


broken glass

by tototooru



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Blood, Depression, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, adding warnings as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2018-07-26 23:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 50,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7593772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tototooru/pseuds/tototooru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>loving someone broken doesn't mean you will fix them</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. intro

**Author's Note:**

> ☆this is a spin off i started writing because some people were interested in jookyun's relationship in my hyungwonho story 「together」  
> ★the title is inspired by three days grace's 「broken glass」  
> ☆楽しんでください !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is also ch. 8.1 from 「together」

Changkyun's parents have never been okay with him doing what they haven't told him to.

_Don't eat a lot or you will get fat, act manly, don't show emotions, focus on your studies not on going out, go to school, study the hardest, have the best grades in everything, finish school, go to university, study the hardest, have the best grades in everything, finish university, find a job, find a wife, have kids, don't turn into the family's disgrace._

He got repeated that almost every day. Every time his actions didn't meet his parents' expectations, they would make him study even more. They didn't let him go out with friends. He had to be good at everything. He wasn't allowed anything that would distract him from studying. He had given up on arguing with them. Always ending up with being grounded broke him.

Accepting the fact his parents had planned his future, never asking him what he wanted, ruined him the most. It was pointless having dreams to follow. Every time someone asked him what he dreamed of, he mumbled "nothing" or simply walked away, avoiding more questions and " _You're still young, the whole life is in front of you, you should dream_ ".

 _What life? What dreams?_ He wasn't allowed to have any of that.

Being free wasn't a familiar feeling.

He wasn't even allowed to love who he wanted to. But he did. He loved _so much_. He had such a big heart that held so much love, but he was taught to be cold, so he couldn't express it at first. He acted distant from everyone.

Lee Jooheon was the first person who dared to get closer to him, who was able to see the real Changkyun and not the one his parents told him to be. The first to know about how things were in Changkyun's, _so called_ , family. The only one to support him. Jooheon taught him how to love and gave him the freedom he never had. He was taking so much care of Changkyun. He even brought food for him from time to time just to make sure the boy ate enough, fully aware of the fact that his parents gave him small portions or even leftovers. It was so obvious. The way his parents treated him reflected on both his physical and mental health and Jooheon was trying so hard to fix it. To be the family he never had and wasn't allowed to dream of.

At first, Changkyun was so scared of the feelings he experienced. He had no idea what they were. No idea what it was called. Because it was just not familiar. Feeling a lump in his throat every time he talked to Jooheon, his knees getting weaker, a strange ache in his stomach, a living chaos inside his head, his heart beating faster and even skipping beats. It was so abnormal. All of it.

He wanted to make sure he wasn't sick, so he looked it up on Naver just to discover that what was happening to him was called "love". _Love_? Wasn't that one of the things that would distract him from being successful according to his parents?

_"Jooheon?" Changkyun turned to the other while they were on a school trip after they had just arrived in their hotel room and unpacked. Just looking at Jooheon made him uneasy. He was biting the inside of his mouth nervously, trying to get his shit together and just say how he felt._

_"Yes?" The other boy glanced at Changkyun, noticing how tense he was._

_"Have you ever been in love with someone? Like... Really in love."_

_Jooheon took a while to answer. "Yes, I have. Even now. Why do you ask?"_

_Jooheon had someone he loved. **He had someone who probably wasn't Changkyun**. The shorter boy changed his mind. He didn't want to confess. He regretted starting that conversation. He could handle pretending he didn't love Jooheon. Just like he pretended he didn't feel every emotion he wasn't allowed to express. It was better that way for the both of them._

_"N-no reason..." Changkyun looked away._

_"Do you, by any chance, love someone right now?"_

_Changkyun fell silent. He could almost feel blood in his mouth from biting so hard at the insides of it._

_"You know you can tell me everything," Jooheon reminded._

_"I really don't know if I'm in love... I'm not sure... It would cause a lot of trouble... With my parents and all..." The boy was doing his best not to stutter. He was scolded a lot for stuttering. He feared his parents even when they weren't around. Even when he could afford being himself. Sometimes he received flashbacks from when he was a child and they used to beat him up every time he wasn't speaking properly. Terrifying._

_"Think of your own happiness. At least once. Please." Jooheon wrapped an arm around Changkyun's shoulders._

_"I can't..."_

_"Of course you can. You're with me. You can do everything you're not allowed to when you're with me."_

_"Well..." Changkyun bit on his lower lip. He leaned closer to Jooheon's ear. "I think I'm in love with you," he whispered. He didn't move away. Avoiding the other boy's gaze was the easiest thing he could do at that moment._

_"I feel the same," Jooheon whispered back._

_"So..."_

_"We can't--"_

_"We can't do anything about it," Changkyun interrupted, finishing Jooheon's sentence. "I know. Don't worry. I understand." He gave the taller a quick hug. "We both know that being together right now would be the worst decision we could make."_

_"Yeah..."_

Changkyun knew Jooheon's family wasn't very easy on him either. His father, to be more exact. They were a lot more accepting, though. They let him do most things. He wasn't forced into studying that much. He was able to plan his own future. But that was where the good things ended.

Jooheon was used to his (extremely homophobic and abusive) father's actions. He was used to him getting drunk and hitting him or throwing whatever objects he could get close to at him. Didn't even flinch anymore. He was so tired of it.

He reached a point where he didn't care at all. All he was scared of was that some day his father would hurt his mother. She was safe until she acted like she approved everything Jooheon's dad did. Staying away from fights. Just watching how her son was being treated. Not being able to do anything.

She had apologized to Jooheon so many times. Apologized how she was stupid enough to think that his dad was a good person and would take care of the both of them. How she can't stand up against him. How she is too scared to divorce him. Jooheon didn't blame her for anything. He would hug her and tell her that one day he would make sure both of them lived away from his father and in peace. He was ready to afford the best life for her as soon as he was able to. " _As soon as I graduate and find a job_ ," he would say. " _We're going to live much better._ "

Graduating seemed so far away. He wanted to be able to do something for her sooner, so he started a part time job after school, but his father started tormenting him about that, too. It just never ended.

Until he met Changkyun, Jooheon had talked about that with his mother and psychologists only. Though Changkyun couldn't help a lot, he was always there to listen to the other. Just with his presence Changkyun supported him. He wasn't saying much but it was obvious how much he wanted to be useful by the way he looked at Jooheon. With the most apologetic expression that could break Jooheon's heart.

Nothing made him feel worse than seeing Changkyun being so uneasy with expressing his feelings (and seeing his mother cry). It had taken him almost a year to make the boy smile and when he actually did, Jooheon fell in love. It was so sudden but he was aware of his feelings.

Around a week later he asked his mom what to do. He knew how homophobic his dad was. He would've literally _killed_ his son if he ever found out he was like that. His mother accepted him no matter what, though. Of course she would. She was always there for him and him coming out to her couldn't change anything. But, no matter how much she wanted her son to br happy, she told him that if Changkyun had the same feelings for him, getting into a relationship at that time was so risky that it was even impossible to happen.

She had tried talking to her husband and softening him a bit about that kind of relationships, but always stepped back when she felt his blood was starting to boil. She gave up trying. Once again. She felt defeated.

As soon as Changkyun didn't like Jooheon, everything was fine, but what he had not expected was Changkyun actually confessing. They were in the middle of their second year of high school.

_"One day we will be together," Jooheon whispered. "Just wait and see. I will make you the happiest. It's a promise."_

_Changkyun held onto Jooheon's hand as if his life depended on never letting go of it. "You already are making me the happiest," the shorter said and pressed his lips against the other's gently._

One day Changkyun, Jooheon and Jooheon's mother were going to get the happiness they deserved.


	2. Chapter 2

In junior high Changkyun couldn't make a lot of friends. He really wanted to and some of his classmates wanted to talk to him, but his parents had always told him that having friends would distract him from studying. He had the best grades in everything. The teachers were so always congratulating him for that. But his parents never did. They weren't proud. Nothing he did was enough for them. They were convinced he wasn't trying hard enough and that he should study more. They had never given him a pat on the back with the words " _You're doing great, I'm so proud of you_ ".

At that time the only thing he wanted to hear was that they were proud. Nothing else. Every time he came back home with 100/100 on a test they would just say " _not bad_ " and make him go to his room to study more.

_"Mom, are you proud of me?" Changkyun asked while they were having dinner. His father was at work and he felt a bit more comfortable asking._

_His mother threw him a stern look, leaving her fork on her plate. "Have you given me a reason to be?"_

_"I just thought--"_

_"Just eat and don't talk." She interrupted him._

What was the point in studying if no one was going to appreciate all the hard work you've done? By his third year of junior high he gave up on having ambitions. He just did what his parents wanted to. Falling asleep with tears in his eyes became a routine. Were they ever going to be proud? Probably not.

The last time his parents told him they loved him was when he was only 4. He couldn't remember if it happened after that, but he was sure it was just a one time thing. He wasn't loved by anyone. He wasn't wanted either. He was just there surviving, not being able to rely on anyone, even on his parents - the people who were supposed to be there for him all the time, no matter what. With no family and no friends, he was on his own.

He just wanted to know that he was loved by at least one person. He wanted someone who he could call "family". Obviously, his parents weren't the ones he could turn to for that.

Once he felt unusually happy that he got a good grade in math and he decided calling his mom. He was _that_ happy. "Mom, I've got the highest score on a math test."

"And you thought you can call me in the middle of the day just to tell me this? Changkyun, I have work. Some people are _actually_ trying to make money." She hung up. Changkyun felt a lump in his neck. He locked himself in one of the stalls in the school bathroom with tears, streaming down his cheeks. He probably hadn't noticed that the boy he bumped into in his hurry was a classmate of his.

He was 10 minutes late for his next class. Or more. _He didn't care_. He got out of the stall to wash his face. Only to bump in the same person from before, now realizing who he was. He slowly backed away, realizing at what conditions he had a breakdown. People saw him. People saw him cry. And one of them was a person from his class. Sometimes he seriously wanted to die.

"Why are you crying?" The taller boy asked, ready to block Changkyun's way in case he tried to run away.

Changkyun quickly wiped off his tears with the back of his hands. "I'm not crying," he mumbled with a shaky voice. He was constantly reminding himself not to stutter. To speak with a calm voice.

"I can literally see you are."

Suddenly he felt angry for no reason. " _Jooheon, I'm not crying!_ " He almost yelled and tried pushing the other away, but Jooheon just stopped him, wrapping his hands around the smaller body. More and more tears started falling down. They wouldn't stop. He hated himself.

"Wash your face and go back home," Jooheon said, gently caressing Changkyun on the back. "I don't think you should be here in such condition." He lifted Changkyun's head and wiped away his tears with his sleeve.

Changkyun pulled away from Jooheon. "Please, pretend you've never seen me like this."

Since then Jooheon was more observant on Changkyun and his actions. Just to realize that the boy wasn't showing any emotions. Ever. Sometimes he would hide his mouth with a hand, probably when he was trying to suppress his laughter. He was mainly being on his phone or studying. Nothing else. It seemed like he had no friends. Some of their classmates were talking to him, but Changkyun didn't seem like he wanted to talk to anyone. They were in the same class since year one of junior high and Jooheon had always thought that Changkyun was just really shy and quiet. But for the first time he noticed there was more than that.

Changkyun was probably the most apathetic person had met in his entire life. He slowly started realizing that maybe there was a reason for Changkyun making him pretend he didn't see him crying. Jooheon started wondering if that was a part of the image Changkyun was trying to keep up, but he also wasn't sure it was only about image.

The only thing he knew was that he had to approach Changkyun carefully.

"Do you have any work after school?" Jooheon asked, trying to catch up with Changkyun. Changkyun looked up at him, his cold expression not changing the slightest bit.

"Actually, I do." His voice was calm. Just like his face, it wasn't showing any emotion. He accomplished that with years of training. And being scared that his parents were going to beat him up for showing emotions. But it was mainly thanks to training either way. On the inside he felt his anxiety like a raging fire.

Jooheon continued walking beside him. He wasn't exactly _following_ him. They had P.E. and had to get to the changing rooms, but the fact that Jooheon was talking to him made him uneasy since he was the same person that saw him crying.

"That's sad. I thought we could hang out some time..." Jooheon felt like Changkyun was glaring at him. His expression not changing a bit. Just his eyes. Changkyun's eyes were showing how uncomfortable he was and that Jooheon had to stop pushing.

"No thanks," Changkyun said as calm as ever.

Even when both his parents were at work, Changkyun was scared to do whatever he wanted to in the house. He was just curled up in a corner and reading a book or studying. He would watch TV sometimes, but it happened rarely because he wasn't allowed to do it. His parents would always say TV is not nice for him ever since he was a child.

A few days after Changkyun's last encounter with Jooheon, he received a few calls from an unknown number. He hated that because he always felt anxiety building up in the back of his stomach. But not answering calls by unknown numbers was something his parents could've scolded him for, too, so he gave up and finally answered the seventh call he received.

"Changkyun?" A familiar voice said. Jooheon's voice. _What did he want **this** time?!_

"How did you get my number?" Changkyun tried not sounding nervous but it was too hard. He was so thankful that Jooheon couldn't see his face.

"I have my ways." Jooheon was smiling. Changkyun could feel it in his voice. "Do you have time to talk?"

"No..." Changkyun tried to hear any signs of his parents walking nearby his room. He lowered his voice. "My parents are home, I can't talk." He quickly hung up and sent a quick text to Jooheon, saying " _I'm sorry_ ". Soon his mom walked into the room.

"Why are you on your phone?" She asked.

"A boy from my class asked for the homework. I'm sorry." Changkyun quickly left his phone aside.

"If he was really asking for the homework, it's okay. Now get up and help me with the laundry. All you do is sit."

 _You don't really leave me with any other choice_ , Changkyun thought. One day he was going to build up enough confidence to stand up against his parents.

Jooheon wasn't sure what to think about Changkyun's overall behavior. And him not being able to talk on the phone because _his parents were around_? He had to learn more about him. Suddenly he was really interested in Changkyun's life and why was he so weird. So apathetic. He had to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

He was so used to literally _all of it_ already. His father coming back home drunk, sometimes in the early hours of the morning, yelling at him, hitting him, throwing objects at him. It was the same and it happened almost every day. Most people wouldn't get used to it, but Jooheon had suffered so much he stopped feeling pain. There were times when Jooheon could talk to his father normally. But that was rare. His childhood was spent with his mother and relatives. Sometimes he believed he didn't have a father. He didn't even mention him when he was talking about his family. Just acted like his father doesn't exist. Because he wasn't a part of his family and was never going to be.

One evening while Jooheon was peacefully sitting on the couch in the kitchen, writing his homework, his father came home from work. He was on time and, for Jooheon's surprise, sober. His father walked into the kitchen, immediately piercing Jooheon with a cold glare.

_"What are you doing?" He asked, sending chills down to Jooheon's spine. His voice was always way too loud. Even when he wasn't shouting._

_"Writing homework," Jooheon looked at his father. He was so stupid to think that this was going to be just a normal talk. Or that they weren't going to talk at all._

_"Where is your mother?"_

_"Outside shopping."_

_"And you didn't go to help her?" **Why are you acting like you care about her?** "Are you ever going to do anything in this house?"   **Shouldn't I ask you that question?** "You're completely useless and you're prooving it every day." He started raising his voice with each word he bit out. Jooheon was scared but he was still acting calm. Being scared wouldn't help him. It never did. It never made his father realize how he was treating his own son._

_"I offered helping her, but she said she--"_

_"Are you fucking retarded?" His father was already yelling. He threw his keys at Jooheon but managed to hit his legs only. Any ways, Jooheon was sure it was going to leave a bruise. Even if it was a barely visible one. It didn't hurt him, though. Not anymore._

_His father walked towards him. Jooheon quickly left his textbook aside. He was sure that his father was going to hit him and was ready for that to happen. **He was so sure**. But instead he just grabbed the table and threw it against the window._

_"Just be thankful that it wasn't aimed at you," his father said, with obvious hatred in his voice. He went to his room, slamming the door after himself. When he wasn't tormenting Jooheon or wasn't at work, he was spending all of his time in that room. Didn't care about anything else, but being in his room alone, not being bothered by anyone._

Fortunately, the window wasn't broken. There were small rips on the curtains. Barely visible, but they were there. Jooheon was scared. His whole body was shaking from fear and he couldn't even cry. It was the first time his father did something like that. He slowly got up, putting the table back at its place, got some clothes from his room and quietly sneaked out of the house. He called his mom to tell her what happened and that he was going to stay over at a friend's house at least for the night. She was really worried and didn't want to leave him like that, but it seemed like she had no other choice at the moment.

"Are you sure you will be able to find a place to sleep?" His mother asked. She was probably on the verge of tears.

"Mom, don't worry. I will be fine, I promise. Please, just eat something and rest. And don't let dad hurt you. I love you." Jooheon was trying to calm her down, but he himself couldn't be calm. The last thing he wanted was his mother crying because of him. It made him feel horrible. He was trying his best just to make her happy and forget about the hell they had to live through.

Jooheon called a few of his friends, but nobody could take him at their house just for one night. Mainly because of their parents. Junior high wasn't easy on all of them, honestly. There was only one person left who he could've called. He had no other choice, he called him.

"Changkyun," Jooheon said with a slightly shaky voice after the boy picked up his phone. He was sitting at the edge on a sidewalk a few streets away from his house, still trying to get his shit together. He wanted to escape his thoughts. His emotions were stronger than him and he hated it so much. Every second of it. He was weak.

"Jooheon? Are you okay?" Jooheon didn't even know if it was a good idea calling him. But something gave him hope that the boy was actually concerned. Even if his voice never gave it away.

"I'm not." Jooheon took a deep breath, holding his head in one hand. "I'm sorry for calling you so late, we don't even talk to each other that much, but can I sleep at your house? _Please_. It's an emergency."

Changkyun fell silent for a moment. He wanted to say "no", but he wasn't like that. He actually got worried the moment he heard Jooheon's voice. He _had_ to help him. "My parents aren't home until tomorrow afternoon, so I guess you could stay over. But you mustn't make it obvious you were here, please."

Changkyun gave Jooheon his address. He was really nervous. He had never had guests at his house. After all, he didn't have friends. Once again thanks to his parents. _Shit_. He realized that they could go back home earlier. He was panicking internally. He had to think of a plan B if that happened.

Fifteen minutes later he heard the doorbell ring and slightly jumped from his place. Doorbells were horrible. They gave him as much anxiety as unknown numbers did. He went to open the door, his heart was about to burst out of his chest and his palms were sweating a lot. He unlocked the door and peeked outside after opening it. Jooheon was standing in front of him, his eyes puffy and a bit red. The shorter made a gesture for him to walk in.

They sat on the bed in Changkyun's room, surrounded by awkward silence. Changkyun took a deep breath. He wanted to show he cared even if Jooheon was practically still a stranger for him. "What happened?"

Jooheon looked at him a bit surprised. He was sure that just for a split second he heard worry in Changkyun's voice. Jooheon smiled. "Don't worry about it." _Oh, how much he wanted an indication what the other was thinking about, what he felt._ It would be so much easier to talk to him.

"When you called me..." Changkyun was digging his nails in his thumb - it was a habit of his. He already had small wounds, but that didn't stop him. "... Were you crying?" The other boy looked away, bringing back the uncomfortable silence. "I see," Changkyun sighed. "By the way, I'm sorry but you will have to sleep here. As I said, I don't want it to be obvious that someone was here. I'm really sorry if you're not comfortable with that."

"It's fine," Jooheon reassured, looking back at the other. "Why are you so scared of your parents?"

"I'm not scared." Seemed like Jooheon hit a weak spot. Changkyun went to bed without saying anything else.

Jooheon got up and turned off the lights, then lied down next to Changkyun, with his back against him, trying not to invade the boy's personal space. " _I'm sorry_ ," he whispered. He wasn't even sure if the shorter was awake. He just knew that he upset Changkyun and had to apologize about it.

"Don't be."

A light smile curved on Jooheon's lips. Changkyun definitely wasn't the person he was acting to be and it was interesting finding not only his reason for doing that, but also getting to know the real Changkyun. Jooheon had so many questions to ask. He wasn't even sure if he was ever going to get the answers for a big part of them. But the questions were still there, haunting his mind.

Changkyun was an enigma.


	4. Chapter 4

Changkyun woke up to his alarm going off. He lazily reached to his phone to stop it. After hitting the snooze button without realizing, he sat in his bed, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He saw Jooheon sitting on the chair by his desk, looking at him.

"Good morning," Jooheon said with a warm smile.

"Good morning," Changkyun responded, still trying to wake up. Once again he wasn't realizing that Jooheon was seeing him in a situation in which he was kind of exposed. His hair was messy, his eyes puffy and red. His cheeks and nose were also red. He was constantly rubbing his eyes, trying to get the sleepiness away. He really wanted to go back to sleep. It was the weekend anyways. His parents were trying to get him used to waking up early without needing an alarm, but until now all of their attempts failed. Changkyun wasn't the type to wake up early. "Why are you awake?" 

"I don't sleep a lot," Jooheon shrugged. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine, I guess."

"I'm sorry for asking this but... Did you know you cry in your sleep?" Changkyun's eyes widened. All of a sudden he was more awake than ever.

He clutched his blanket and brought it closer to himself. "W-what do you mean?" _Don't stutter._

Jooheon tilted his head, trying to pick his words carefully. "Well, at first I thought you're actually awake and I tried talking to you, but then found out you haven't woken up."

Changkyun knitted his eyebrows, looking away from the other. "I'm sorry," he murmured. He really was exposed. So vulnerable. He couldn't stand it. He felt like crying again. _Why? Why couldn't he make it stop? Why couldn't he stop feeling?_ He felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He buried his face in his blanket. Jooheon had seen too much. He hadn't let anyone see so much of him. 

The moment Jooheon heard muffled sobs he got up and sat next to Changkyun, pulling him into a hug. "Changkyun," he whispered with a soft, gentle voice. "Why are you forcing yourself to go through everything alone?"

"M-my parents..." Changkyun's voice was shaking _so much_. He tried controlling it. But it gradually turned out even worse. "They told me I shouldn't show any emotions in front of anyone. B-because people are going to take me more seriously that way. I can't let myself cry. Or be happy. Or anything. I have to keep it all for myself."

" _More seriously_?" Jooheon repeated. "Changkyun, you're _15_."

"You don't understand... I have no other choice. My parents are _really_ strict." 

"Of course you have a choice. Your parents aren't here now. You can be yourself." 

Changkyun finally let go of his blanket and wrapped his arms around Jooheon tightly, his sobbing getting louder. "I'm scared," he cried out. "I always have the feeling that they're somewhere around and if I don't do something the right way I am going to get scolded again." Venting out his feelings to Jooheon was an unnaturally easy thing to do. For the first time there was someone who was actually listening. And cared about his feelings... for now at least. "The only thing they're making me do is study... I'm not allowed to have friends or at least go out." He looked up at Jooheon. Just now Jooheon had the chance to see how broken the boy sitting in front of him was. 

He brushed away the other's tears with his thumbs. "I'm your friend now. And I wouldn't stop being your friend just because your parents have told you that you can't have any. Okay?" Changkyun nodded, trying to hold back his tears. "I literally don't care what they don't let you do. I want you to show your emotions freely when you're around me. I'm going to be your new family. You just have to let me."

Changkyun grabbed Jooheon's wrists. "Isn't that a bit impulsive? How can you show up from _nowhere_ and tell me that you're, most likely, going to change everything? How can I be sure that I can trust you? Jooheon, _I barely know you_."

"I haven't said you can trust me. I know it won't be easy earning your trust either. All you can do for now is let me be there when you need someone. You don't even need to share with me when you're not comfortable with doing it." Changkyun pursed his lips. Jooheon sounded like a person who would understand him. But he was too scared to put his trust into him. What if his parents found out? He would risk so much. He would've cut Jooheon off, but he actually needed someone to talk to. Currently, he was the only one Changkyun could rely on. Yet, he still wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do.

"Didn't you say your parents would be back soon?" Jooheon asked, letting go of Changkyun. Changkyun took his phone to check the time just when his alarm went off again. He almost dropped his phone, but managed to stop the alarm this time. 

"I think you could stay for one more hour." He closed his eyes and rested his head on Jooheon's shoulder, leaving his phone aside. Apparently, he was back to being sleepy. Jooheon would've mentioned how cuddly Changkyun was while asleep, but he didn't want to embarrass him more. He just lightly patted him on the back.

He somehow quickly got to the conclusion that Changkyun's parents were also the reason he had to wake up early. "Go back to sleep if you want to. They won't find out."

"What about you?" Changkyun mumbled, dragging his blanket back to himself.

Jooheon took the blanket from Changkyun's hands and lifted him from himself, wrapping the blanket around the other. _Burrito_ , he suddenly thought. _A really sleepy burrito_. He tried to suppress the smile that was forming on his face. "I will be here."

"If my parents come back earlier, you will have to go out through the window. Quickly."

"I assumed."

Changkyun rested his head back on Jooheon's shoulder. "Thank you for being here." 

Jooheon smirked. He was hugging Changkyun even after he felt the boy fall asleep. He was still realizing how fragile Changkyun was. _How many times did he have to act strong when he was the weakest he could be? How much emotional abuse was he forced to go through to finally learn to be indifferent to everything? Had his parents ever actually hit him because of him doing something they didn't want him to do? Did he feel **hated**?_ The questions just wouldn't stop forming inside his head. He wanted to protect Changkyun. Because he had suffered enough. He didn't deserve this kind of treatment. Especially from his parents. No one deserved this.

He promised himself that he was going to do everything to make the boy happy. " _As long as I'm around, you're safe. I promise._ " He was aware Changkyun couldn't hear him. But saying that made him calmer, too.

Jooheon wasn't the kind to break promises. He always fulfilled his promises even if it took a long time to do so. And now he took responsibility to take care of Changkyun. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its 5am byeeeeee


	5. Chapter 5

Since his first year in junior high Jooheon was bullied a lot not only by his father but by students from his school, too. Sometimes even by ones he didn't know. He kind of learned how to stand up for himself, but the fact that sometimes he went back home with a lot of bruises over his body and even his face gave away that he wasn't practically good at it. He hated fighting. His mother suggested changing schools. There was already no point in that as soon as he began his third year. He had to endure it. She was helping him cover up the bruises with concealer and it helped a lot.

There were times when he forgot that he had concealer on.

He was in the school bathroom to wash his face during their lunch break. Changkyun was with him. They were about to go and eat, but as he saw skin colored liquid falling down along with the water he froze and his eyes widened. _No. Everything but that._ He had accidentally washed off the concealer and instead had a bright purple bruise running along his cheekbone. It had been there for a few days. Changkyun managed to see it before Jooheon could hide it with a hand and tell the boy to go back in class.

"What's that?" Changkyun got closer to Jooheon to observe. "Who hit you?"

"I got into a fight with some boys a few days ago. It's nothing, don't worry about it," Jooheon tried to reassure, but Changkyun got even closer, brushing the tips of this fingers over the bruise.

"Wait," he suddenly took off his bag and started searching for something. He took out a concealer. Jooheon was about to open his mouth and ask but Changkyun put a finger on his lips. "Don't ask. Parents and acne. Just roll with it and let me help you." After he applied the concealer, it once again looked like the bruise was never there. "Take care of yourself." 

Jooheon smiled and ruffled Changkyun's hair. "I'm fine."

\--

Jooheon had appointments at a psychologist almost every week. Sometimes twice a week. Before that he was even going to a psychiatrist, but fortunately there was no need for that later on.

No one knew about that except his mother. He was convinced that he didn't need to go anymore. _He was fine_. He didn't have breakdowns anymore. The psychologist barely ever helped, too. Same things every week. They were talking about the same things over and over again. But he was doing it because of his mother, so she was sure his mental health was stable enough for him to live normally. She believed him when he said that he was fine, but she still had some doubt. Because the same " _I'm fine_ " was a lie before. A lie told by Jooheon just because he wanted to believe, too. In the end he was as emotionally deprived as Changkyun and even he realized that he had to do something about it. He was the one who suggested to go see a psychologist. He was the one who got himself out of that state.

This time Jooheon finally shared that it seemed like he had actually found a real friend. Which was good because it meant that if he really got better and was talking normally with people once again, he would visit the psychologist more rarely.

"I had to visit my psychologist today," Jooheon said as he lied down in bed with a sigh. He was talking on the phone with Changkyun for over 30 minutes or so because Changkyun's parents weren't home. Again.

"I didn't know you have to go see psychologists," Changkyun mumbled. He was curled in one of the corners of his bed, wrapped in a blanket. He was freezing, but he was too lazy to turn on the heating.

"Well, there's a chance I won't need to go soon." Even if he hadn't been told exactly those words, he wasn't really lying. "I told him about you. Seems like just the fact that I've found a friend makes them think that I've actually gotten a hold of my life. It's not completely true, but I kind of feel better after I met you. I don't even know if you're aware of that, but you've helped me a lot just by being around."

Changkyun got so flustered that he forgot to answer. His cheeks were red. He was digging his nails in his thumb again, though this time he wasn't nervous. He was calm. Thanks to Jooheon.

"Sorry," Jooheon said. "That must've sounded embarrassing," he let out a somehow bitter laugh.

" _Oh_!" Changkyun finally snapped out of his thoughts, realizing he hadn't responded. "I'm sorry, I'm tired." He wasn't tired. No matter how much he liked talking to Jooheon, he didn't like phone calls. Especially if they were long. It was agonizing. "It wasn't embarrassing."

Jooheon quickly understood what Changkyun was implying. "Tired as in sleepy or just exhausted by the conversation?"

Changkyun pressed his lips in a thin line. _Could Jooheon actually read minds?_ "I don't like talking on the phone."

"I should have asked about that. I assume you're also not comfortable with doorbells and I didn't ask about that either when I had to stay over."

The other nodded, quickly remembering Jooheon couldn't see him. "Yeah..."

They switched to chatting. At least Changkyun had never felt uncomfortable doing that. Everything else was more or less problematic. Video calls, calls in general... Even voice messages.

" _By the way, I want to see you without concealer some day_." Jooheon sent, making Changkyun get flustered all over again. Even when Jooheon slept over, he had made sure to not remove it.

" _I'm ugly._ "

" _Lim Changkyun, shut up. You're beautiful_."

Changkyun left him on " _seen_ " and went to bed. _He wasn't beautiful._ He had never been. His parents made him believe that. Since he started having acne problems his life got even worse because they found a new reason to pick on him. Making his anxiety worse along with everything.

Products rarely worked on his skin. They were either making it more sensitive or not doing anything at all. When he had concealer on, he would feel less bad about himself than he usually did. And he couldn't let anyone see him in his " _true beauty_ ". He was too insecure already.

_Changkyun wasn't beautiful. He knew it perfectly._

\--

Five in the morning and Jooheon still wasn't asleep. He was surrounded by negative thoughts and emptiness. He didn't feel anything. He was staring at the ceiling, trying to think of something that would make him feel _anything_. Didn't matter what. He just wanted to feel. To know that he wasn't just a body.

Tears were streaming down from his eyes, but he didn't feel anything.

_Sorry, Changkyun, I told you I was getting better but I think things just got bad. The worst they've been in a while. Turns out I'm a liar._


	6. Chapter 6

Jooheon didn't change. Changkyun started feeling like he didn't care anymore. So he just left him. Though, he was pretty sure he was the one who was abandoned. Yet Jooheon still didn't feel anything. The promise he made to Changkyun was unkept. He didn't even feel sad about all of this happening. Guessed it was just how life was.

It was the last day they were in the same class and school. They were probably never going to see each other. It was _over._ Changkyun was never going to have a family or at least a real friend. He would never feel supported. Or wanted. He would never feel happy or at least calm around other people. Because after Jooheon he wouldn't dare to trust anyone. He was going back to his old, normal life - his parents telling him who to be. He probably wouldn't hear anyone telling him to be himself ever again.

On the other hand, Jooheon would never have the chance to spend time with Changkyun. He would never see him smile even if that was the thing he worked so hard for a while ago. He would never see him without concealer just to proove how beautiful he was without it. Once again he didn't have anyone to talk to freely except his mother. Just like Changkyun, he was left alone.

They were sitting next to each other. The awkward silence felt like a dark cloud above them.

"Where are you going after this?" Jooheon asked, breaking the silence. Which Changkyun was so thankful for. He didn't want to start a conversation first.

"I don't know," Changkyun shrugged, gripping tighter at the can of soda he was holding. "Wherever my parents chose."

"They've planned your whole life ahead, huh?" _Why was he acting like he didn't know that already?_ Changkyun had talked about how bad he felt because of that so many times. _Was he not listening?_

Suddenly Changkyun got up and took his bag. "I can't keep going like this. Bye." He walked away. He already hoped he didn't see Jooheon ever again. Jooheon knew that he probably fucked up _a bit_. Didn't do anything about it any ways. He didn't feel bad.

\--

Changkyun spent his vacation, travelling around Europe and America with relatives. It was kind of fun because he wasn't isolated, but it wasn't good either because his parents were there. He missed Jooheon.

Jooheon was either with relatives or going out with people from school that he couldn't exactly call friends. He ended up in a really bad company. He turned into the type of people that bullied him before. On top of that he started smoking and drinking. Every time he brought a girl home, it was a different one. His mother was more than worried about what he was doing with his life. Her world literally crumpled after that. Jooheon wasn't acting nice with her either. As if he stopped caring about her.

The weeks before he started school again, he almost never got home. He was either at parties or outside smoking with his, so called, _friends_. When he finally got home after being away for three days, his mother was in the kitchen. She was already too angry to go soft on him.

She welcomed him with a cold glate. "Jooheon," she started with a stern voice. "Sit down." Jooheon sat slightly away from where she was sitting, waiting for her to continue. "What do you think you're doing? You haven't been home for three days, now you come back reeking of cigarettes and alcohol. You aren't hanging out with good people. _You left Changkyun all alone_. Do you realize that? Do you even remember who he is? Let me give you a hint. He _was_ your best friend. Because you weren't next to him. I'm sorry for saying this but you're turning into a failure... " Her voice was shaking more and more with every sentence. It already cracked a few times while she was talking. "... _Just like your father._ "

" _Like my father?_ " Jooheon repeated. His mother nodded. "Mom..." He felt tears fall down. He was slowly realizing everything that had happened until now. He lost Changkyun. Probably forever. _Because of him_ Changkyun's trust issues may or may not have doubled. He would never get his best friend back. He hurt his mother. And again _because of him_ , she was on the verge of crying. "I'm sorry..."

For the first time in months, he was able to feel. Thanks to his mother he realized what he was doing. He had never even thought that he was doing something bad. Now he was an emotional mess. And he was so happy about that because he was once again aware that he was human.

"I have to fix everything now..."

\--

Pulling yourself together was the hardest part. He had to be a different person in just a week. A better person. The best he could be. He was planning on making more friendships in his new school. Sometimes it was so hard that he wanted to give up, but he was going against himself for his own good. He was pushing more and more. He was going to therapy more often. He stopped smoking and drinking. He was helping his mother more. He was doing everything just to achieve being a better person. What he didn't know was that he had always been a good person.

But no matter how hard he was trying, there was a missing piece. And that was Changkyun.

\--

On the first day of school he met his class and was talking with most of his new classmates. Their homeroom teacher was constantly muttering under his nose how one of his students, _called Chae Hyungwon or something like that_ , wasn't there and probably running away from school in the very first day.

Everything went well. Finding new friends who didn't seem like the ones he was hanging out with before was a great experience.

He had just walked out of the building when he saw a familiar figure, sitting by the gates. The closer he was getting, the more sure he was that it was no one else but the one he still considered his _best friend_. "Changkyun!" A bright smile appeared on his face.

Changkyun looked at Jooheon. He got up as the other stopped in front of him. "Jooheon..." A while ago Changkyun was hoping he'd never see him again. But now he couldn't be more happy.

"Changkyun, I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry that I left you."

The other pulled Jooheon into a hug, partly as a way to suppress the smile that was about to form on his lips. " _I missed you_ ," Changkyun said.

"Me too." The next moment Jooheon finally realized. He grabbed Changkyun by the shoulders and looked at him. " _Wait, are you going to be in this school?!_ "

"Yes," Changkyun calmly responded. For Jooheon's surprise, he hadn't changed a bit. As apathetic as ever.

"We're going to be together again!"

"In different classes, though," Changkyun cared to add.

They were walking around in the school's yard. The backs of their hands were lightly brushing against each other. "I heard that you had gotten into a lot of trouble during the vacation," Changkyun said looking up at Jooheon.

Jooheon felt slightly embarrassed that even Changkyun knew about that. _Where from, though? Ah, yeah,_ he remembered _. Social media is a magical place indeed._  "I changed a lot. In both the good and the bad way. Mom helped me open my eyes that what I was doing was wrong. What do you exactly know?"

Changkyun sighed. "I know almost all of it. _Okay_ , all of it actually. But you shouldn't worry about that." He grabbed Jooheon's hand tightly. "I'm your friend no matter what I know. That's what is important right now. I'm glad that you changed, though."

Seemed like the smile on Jooheon's face wouldn't fade away soon. Changkyun was with him even after all he had done. There wasn't anything better than that.

"Thank you for being with me."


	7. Chapter 7

_"Why are you holding my hand?" Changkyun looked at Jooheon then down at their interlaced fingers. They were heading to the gym. Once a week, every Thursday their classes had P.E. together. It was probably the only class Changkyun was looking forward to._

_"Hm?" Jooheon's attention quickly moved to Changkyun. "I want you to feel protected."_

_"Protected?" Changkyun mumbled, but Jooheon didn't hear him._ _**Protected from what?** _

\--

Changkyun and Jooheon would always play table tennis away from the others. No one really bothered them, though, this time a tall boy from Jooheon's class was watching them play. Changkyun knew his name but didn't make an effort to remember it. _Something starting with an H? Or C?_ He felt nervous because of his presence. He wanted him to go away. He would occasionally miss or hit too hard out of nervousness. _Why was he so anxious?_ The other didn't do anything. He was just there, watching. _So why?!_

Another one sat next to him. He was neither from Changkyun's nor Jooheon's class, but he seemed really close to the taller. He had his arm wrapped around the other's waist. At some point Changkyun noticed that they had the same bracelets. He wondered if they were dating. He wasn't like Jooheon, though. He couldn't just go and ask them.

"Oi, Jooheon," the taller boy called, trying to pull away from his friend's embrace. "Can I switch you?"

Changkyun slightly shuddered. He didn't want to play with anyone but Jooheon. He was looking at his best friend, hoping that he says "no". He didn't. He handed the paddle and the ball to the other. Fortunately the bell saved Changkyun and he quickly headed to the changing rooms.

\--

Jooheon and Changkyun were sitting on the school's rooftop. They would usually climb there in their lunch break because Changkyun didn't want to be around so many people since their new school was much bigger than the previous one. No one was allowed on the roof, yet there they were. They were never caught, so they continued going there.

Jooheon had his head rested on Changkyun's lap. "I didn't expect you'd be uncomfortable with Hyungwon." _Ooooh, so that's what his name was._ "I mean, you talked once and I thought--"

"You said it yourself. We talked _once_. I wasn't even able to remember what his name was." Jooheon sighed. "I'm sorry I'm still not able to feel more comfortable with other people. You know I'm trying."

"Don't apologize about that. It's not your fault. I know you're trying and I'm always here to support you. From now on I will be more considerate when you're not comfortable with someone."

Changkyun wasn't thinking about that anymore. Something else distracted him. "Do you want to come over at my house tomorrow?"

A smug smile curved on Jooheon's lips. "And not make it obvious i was there?"

"Exactly."

\--

Jooheon was in Changkyun's room once again. Something in that house made him feel bad. Didn't know what exactly. Maybe it was the aura he got from all the things Changkyun had gone through because of his parents. It was just so negative and heavy.

They were watching vines, snuggled into each other on Changkyun's bed. Changkyun was constantly yawning and when he finally said that he wanted to sleep, Jooheon put away his phone and turned off the lights.

Suddenly he remembered something. "Changkyun, wipe off your concealer, it's not good sleeping with make up."

"But..."

Jooheon groaned. "It's dark. I won't see you. In the morning I won't look at you until you've put it on. Okay?"

Changkyun got up and went to the bathroom. He returned, mumbling " _I look awful_ " under his nose and snuggling into Jooheon again. Jooheon hugged him from behind, pressing his lips against the back of the other's neck. When he rested his arm on Changkyun's hip the boy slightly flinched. It didn't occur to Jooheon that it was because Changkyun was in pain. He just thought his movements were too sudden.

He wanted to see Changkyun's face so much. No matter how much he didn't want to, he had already promised that he wouldn't look at him. But some day, he was going to see him with no make up on. At least he hoped.

\--

In the morning he did as he promised. He didn't even dare to glance until Changkyun had his concealer on. While he was waiting for the boy to wake up he went to the bathroom to wash his face and was welcomed by the unpleasant sight of band-aids on the side of the washbasin. They were soaked in blood.

Then he was sitting on the frame of Changkyun's window, trying to think of a reason for the band-aids. The blood was already dry. But it wasn't from long ago. He wasn't planning on turning into Horatio Caine so soon in his life.

When Changkyun woke up and was finally done, Jooheon sat next to him, wrapping an arm around Changkyun's shoulders. "Earlier... I went to the bathroom..." Changkyun immediately looked at him with a hint of fear. Jooheon understood that Changkyun realized what he was trying to say right away. "Do you want to tell me something?"

Changkyun looked down at his hands. He was digging his nails in his thumb again. Just when the wound was starting to heal. He wished he could stop picking on it. "No," he murmured.

"Is it what I think it is?" Changkyun nodded. "I bet that you don't want to talk about it, but I'm concerned. I didn't think you'd actually go that far, Changkyun. Why? Your parents?" Changkyun nodded again. Jooheon wanted to be as understanding as he could. But he had never seen cutting as a way to avoid problems. In Changkyun's case, he had no way to avoid the problems. They just came to him and hit him hard. But Jooheon still didn't see the point in cutting. "Where?"

"What?"

"Where are the cuts?"

"My sides..."

Without asking, Jooheon knelt down between Changkyun's legs, lifting his T-shirt up a bit and revealing a big part of the cuts the boy had. He was sure that there were many more, but he didn't want to make Changkyun more uncomfortable than he already was. On some wounds there were bandages, blood already soaking through them. There were many old scars, making Jooheon wonder for how long he had been doing that.

Jooheon rested his forehead on Changkyun's knee. His thumb was brushing lightly over the scars on Changkyun's hip. "This makes me sad. The fact that you were hurting alone again even though I'm always here for you. It must've hurt you even more, I guess. I can't even count all of your scars." A sad smile curled in the corners of his lips. "I wonder how many times you've just decided to keep things away from me. How many times you didn't trust me enough to share with me... I know you're going to eventually do it, but, _please_ , don't apologize about it."

The shorter was lost in how gentle Jooheon's voice was, but at the same time how much pain it held. He wanted to apologize so much. He was told not to. _Wasn't that exactly the thing he was learned to do his whole life? Do what he was being told to?_ He knew that Jooheon wasn't like his parents. He was his only family. But it still angered him a bit. His anxiety was making him apologize about everything. Even if it wasn't his fault, he **had** to apologize. "I'm sorry that I made you feel sad..." After all, he found something reasonable to apologize for.

Jooheon pulled Changkyun's T-shirt down and sat next to him with a light chuckle. "You're like a baby. If I keep my eyes off of you, you're going to hurt yourself. Seems like I'm not doing that much of a good job. I have to protect you more."

"Protect me?"

"Yes. You're so fragile, I'm not even sure what will hurt you and what not."

"Jooheon, I'm not _that_ fragile."

"I've seen you cry when you're getting frustrated at small things. You're ready to cry even when someone raises their voice a bit and you're trying to stand up against them without your voice cracking." Changkyun pressed his lips in a thin line. "Don't act strong in front of me. I know when you are strong and when you are not."

Changkyun sighed. " _Would you stop talking?_ "

Jooheon laughed and pulled him down on the bed with himself, placing a light peck on Changkyun's jawline. "I love you." He burried his face in the crook of Changkyun's neck.

For the first time in years Changkyun was told that he was loved. He wrapped his arms around Jooheon's neck, trying to hold in his tears. Heat was slowly rising into his cheeks. "I love you, too."

"Are you crying?"

"Yes."

"Fragile."

" _Am not_."

"Are too."

" _Jooheoooon_ ," Changkyun whined.

"My fragile baby."

" _Stop calling me thaaaaat_. I will kick you!"

Jooheon laughed again, nuzzling into Changkyun's neck. "You know, if you cry, your make up is gonna fall off," he teased.

"I'm seriously going to kick you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again youre a victim of my 5am shitty editing . enjoy .
> 
> i have no idea what i wrote so after i wake up i'll be really confused

Jooheon had always noticed how overly skinny Changkyun was. In the changing room before P.E. class, he noticed how visible the boy's ribs were. How there was almost no fat all over his body. Maybe that explained why he was getting cold so easily. If that was an actual reason for someone to get cold. He wasn't exactly sure. 

The only reason Changkyun gave him was that his parents didn't let him eat a lot and that's why he was skinny. Of course, since his parents had something to do with everything, he believed. Changkyun also wasn't exactly lying. He just kept quiet about the rest. He wanted to tell him all of it, but he never found the right time to do so and he left it like that. As long as Jooheon didn't suspect there was more, everything was fine. He had gotten even thinner the past month, but lately Jooheon's problems had increased for him to notice any difference. He almost didn't have time to pay attention to Changkyun and what's happening with him outside of school. Changkyun felt like Jooheon's depression was slowly coming back and soon he'd be indifferent towards everything again.

Jooheon's dad was searching for more and more reasons to pick on him. He lost a lot of sleep because his dad would always wake him up for no reason. Sometimes he was making him go to the store for alcohol or cigarettes in the middle of the night. Jooheon didn't want more problems with him than he already had, so he just obliged against his will.

He, too, felt like things were slipping away from him once again. This time he wasn't going to let himself push Changkyun away again. Not doing a really good job for now.

"Jooheon, let me help you," Changkyun said with full seriousness.

As if anyone could help him. He laughed at Changkyun's words. He wasn't really taking him seriously. "I appreciate that you're concerned, but you can't help me."

He was right, though. Changkyun didn't know how to help others. He didn't know what advice to give at any situation ever. But he was always there to listen. At least he was good at that. So he didn't see that as a problem. It was also a way to help. "I just... I don't want to lose you again... I can't trust you now that you're acting more and more apathetic."

Those words kind of hit Jooheon. At least he knew he was still feeling since it hurt him knowing that he was making his best friend sad. _Again_. "You can't trust me?" Changkyun nodded. Jooheon grabbed the other's hands firmly. "Changkyun, I'm trying my best. Really... I'm trying because of you. Because if it wasn't you, I wouldn't do a thing about it. I remember how hurt you were. I can't let it happen now."

"I hope you actually mean it," Changkyun mumbled. "I know that it doesn't really depend on you at some point, but... I have to say it... If _that_ happens ever again, I won't be able to forgive you. **Ever**. You will just have to forget about me."

"How are you able to say that _without trembling_? How are you able to _even think about it_? Just go home and leave me alone." Jooheon got up, walking away. This conversation was too much for him. Currently everything was too much and Changkyun's words just "helped" him snap.

It's true that Changkyun didn't plan it to happen like that. He went too far with his words because he was talking impulsively. At least he said what was on his mind. He knew that Jooheon was eventually going to understand. The only thing he wanted to do was make him realize that their friendship was at risk _again_. And not only that, but probably even Jooheon's health, too.

\--

Jooheon was taking too long going back home on purpose. He didn't want to go there. How much he wished his father disappeared without warning. World would've been a better place without him around. But that wasn't the world Jooheon lived in, so he had to face the bitter reality every day.

After that day Changkyun had given him a few days to think how to get himself out of that condition. It's not like his depression was going to disappear. He just needed something to keep him going. Something to keep him distracted.

One night, while his father was at work, he had time to think in peace. He was going through forums with advice how to get through depression. Nothing seemed helpful. On some forums there were paragraphs, telling about the possibility of a bipolar disorder, but Jooheon knew he didn't have that.

He had to realize it himself. It was always at the back of his mind, but he finally realized it completely. Changkyun was his motivation. When he said that he won't be able to forgive him, Jooheon was more or less hurt. Now he was able to think about everything he was going to lose. He didn't notice he was crying until he touched his face. Even back then when he thought Changkyun had actually left him, which was exactly what happened, Jooheon changed for the better because of him.

Before he did anything else, he had to apologize to Changkyun while he still could. Mainly because he had made him feel the way he felt before - abandoned, not being able to trust him.

It was after midnight, but Changkyun was still online. Just when Jooheon was about to text him, he received a call from Changkyun.

Changkyun disregarded any small talk before getting to the actual reason he was calling. " _Please, come with me to the hospital after school,"_ he said right after the other picked up. _"I'm aware that you're having your own problems, I really am, but I **need** you._ "

"Okay, just calm down. I will come with you. What happened?"

" _Have you been crying_?" Changkyun was distracted by the way Jooheon's voice sounded.

Jooheon clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. "It doesn't matter right now. Tell me what happened."

Changkyun lowered his voice in case someone else was awake and could hear him. _"My parents caught me throwing up and they assumed I'm sick. Now I have an appointment for today."_

" _Caught you_?" Jooheon repeated. "You're speaking as if you were doing it on purpo-- ... _Oh_... Changkyun..." Just when he had somehow succeeded convincing Changkyun to give up on cutting, this popped up. He wasn't even sure that he had stopped cutting and that scared him so much. "Seriously, Changkyun, what am I going to do with you? You just don't stop surprising me with finding new ways to destroy yourself."

" _Sorry..._ "

"We'll talk about it tomorrow," Jooheon let out a sigh. "Please, go to bed and rest."

" _Good night._ "

"Night."

Changkyun needed Jooheon too much for him to just stop trying and let depression take over and consume him. Now he was even more motivated to get himself out of that state. 

\--

They had just walked out of the hospital and sat on a bench in the small yard behind the building. Jooheon was hugging Changkyun tightly.

"Did you tell them everything?" Jooheon ran his fingers through Changkyun's hair, kissing him on the forehead lightly.

"I did... Literally _all of it_. It was so exhausting."

"And?"

Changkyun hugged Jooheon, burying his face in the other boy's hoodie. "They told me I have anorexia," he sobbed. "I had no idea it's _that_ bad..."

"For how long have you been doing that? I mean... Throwing up and all..."

"About a year... Or more... _I'm not sure_... It was just because my mother wouldn't stop nagging me that I'm not skinny enough... It turned into a habit... At least she doesn't pay that much attention to my weight anymore..."

Jooheon grabbed Changkyun by the shoulders and made him look up at him. "What do you mean " _at least_ "?! Do you know how bad this could've gone? Do you know that people _die_ from this? _**Do you**_?! Have you ever thought how dangerous this could be?... Seriously, if you're doing anything else that can hurt you in any way, tell me now."

"I'm friends with you," Changkyun joked, though, it was true at some point. At first Jooheon couldn't quite get it. The moment he did and let out a quiet " _oh_ ", Changkyun tried suppressing his laughter, putting a hand over his mouth.

Jooheon knitted his eyebrows. He grabbed Changkyun's hand, moving it away from his face and interlacing their fingers. "Don't restrain yourself from laughing. I've never heard you laugh. And I still haven't seen you smile."

"I'm not smiling for people, who I can't trust."

"Don't joke with that," Jooheon laughed nervously.

"Who told you I'm joking?" The lightest smirk curved in the corner of Changkyun's lips. For now it was the most Jooheon had gotten. Changkyun hugged Jooheon to reassure him that he was in fact joking _this time_. Jooheon kissed him on the forehead again.

"You seriously help me as much as you cause me trouble."

"I know~"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im slowly going back to ikon and bigbang and i think this will inspire me to write more but the thing is that i need to update 4 fics, write 5 scenarios... and i have ideas for 3 more fics (2 of which are jookyun and the 3rd one is still undecided)...writing a single chapter is taking me two or three days... if i die from overworking myself i want yall to know that i love seungri more than everything and that ive always been ready to cry over chen's high notes
> 
>  
> 
> stay healthy and stan winner thx (lmao i sound like a yg stan)


	9. Chapter 9

Jooheon and Changkyun were peacefully sitting on the school's rooftop, watching the clouds, just like they always did.

Jooheon pointed up at the sky. "That one looks like a duck."

Changkyun looked at the direction where the other pointed at and squinted. He could see no duck. "That's not a duck. It's obviously a goose."

"Since when are you an expert in geese?" Jooheon laughed, looking at Changkyun.

"Ever since you told me that a cloud, _that looks like a goose_ , looks like a duck, obviously." He returned Jooheon's gaze. Suddenly he brought his body closer to the other boy's and snuggled. "You know, this rooftop is too uncomfortable for sitting. Not to mention if someone wanted to nap here. Maybe that's the reason they forbid people from coming here. Can't they invent one, made out of pillows? How cool would that be? Or someone should make a room with so many pillows you can actually suffocate in there..." He was getting excited like a little child over something so simple and it was making Jooheon so happy.

"I've read that if you're sleeping with more than one pillow, you are depressed. I don't really understand it, though. Pillows are comfortable. Don't involve them in bad things, people, pillows are not villains. They're here to help and save the day."

Changkyun snorted. "Then it's a coincidence that you are depressed and sleep with five pillows?"

Jooheon's eyes suddenly widened and he threw the other a really confused look. "How do you know with how many pillows I sleep? As long as I remember your parents are too strict to ever let you in my house. Even if they let you, I don't remember you coming. Tell me your secrets."

"I have my ways." Those ' _ways_ ' were actually him noticing the background in every selfie Jooheon sent him. He observed a lot for no reason. But Jooheon didn't need to know that. Soon he was probably going to think that Changkyun had mind reading skills and that was the only logical reason he knew about the pillows.

On the other hand, Jooheon had never noticed how many pillows Changkyun slept with and he was suddenly curious. Since Changkyun's bed wasn't _that_ small and they slept together, he had at least two pillows. If he went to the Lims' house soon, he was going to find out, but his parents were currently home every day and Changkyun was suffering more than he was before.

"Do you want to come for a sleepover at my house?" Jooheon asked, wanting to save the boy from his parents at least for a day.

" _Are you crazy?!_ " Changkyun raised his voice, almost yelling. " _Do you_ ** _know_** _my parents???_ " Yeah, Jooheon might have hit a sensitive spot successfully.

He rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around Changkyun's shoulders. "Just tell them that we have a project from school. Which is not a lie. My mom will back up for us, if she needs to. Come on. They need to understand that you can't stay in your house forever and study."

Changkyun looked up, realizing how close his face was to Jooheon's. He backed away a bit. "I will try to convince them... But, if your mother tries helping, she needs to know that they shouldn't find out we're friends. You know that, right?"

"Yes, don't worry."

\--

Jooheon chose a week when his dad wasn't home for two days. Luckily and surprisingly for Changkyun, his parents agreed for him to go to Jooheon's house as soon as they heard the words "school project".

They drove him to Jooheon's house. When the boy made sure they were away, he hesitantly walked over to the front door and rang the doorbell. _God, he hated doorbells so much._ He waited a few minutes until the door opened and Jooheon appeared behind it with a warm smile. He made a gesture for the shorter boy to walk inside.

After nervously coming in and taking his shoes off, Changkyun hugged Jooheon tightly. Jooheon's house felt much more welcoming than his own house. He didn't know if that was normal since it was his first sleepover. "I'm scared to meet your mom," Changkyun confessed, his voice muffled by Jooheon's T-shirt. "Like, really scared."

"You shouldn't worry about that," Jooheon petted the shorter. "I've told her about you so many times and she said she likes you, so..."

"I hope she does."

Meeting Jooheon's mom was really terrifying at first but it went well. Changkyun expected everything else but that. She was always smiling and making Changkyun more and more comfortable. Comfortable to a point where Changkyun felt the way he felt only in Jooheon's arms - at home. He was truly happy. For the first time he had a normal home made dinner and ate as much as he wanted to, which still wasn't a lot because he felt like throwing up just by the mention of the word "food", but at least he wasn't scolded for the amount he ate.

After dinner they were watching a movie in the living room and eating ice cream. By the time the movie ended, Changkyun was visibly starting to feel sleepy. Mrs. Lee made a gesture to Jooheon that it was time for him to take Changkyun to his room and put him to sleep.

\--

Changkyun wasn't sure if it was because he was really sleepy or because it was actually comfortable, but Jooheon's bed was really soft and, depressed or not, the five pillows on it actually made it even better.

Jooheon had one arm wrapped around Changkyun's waist and his forehead was lightly pressed against the other's. "Take off the concealer," he reminded. He showed the other where the bathroom was but waited outside instead of going back to his room. This time he hadn't promised anything.

Changkyun let out a small yelp and hid his face the moment he walked out and saw Jooheon leaning his back on the wall opposite the bathroom.

"Changkyuuun..." Jooheon whined. He pulled himself away from the wall and walked over to Changkyun, putting his hands over the boy's, making him reveal at least the upper half of his face, so he could look him in the eyes. "Listen to me, okay? You _are_ beautiful. I mean, _really_ beautiful. And I don't care that you have acne. I know that I won't fix anything if I say that it will go away. It won't do any harm either. But even if it never goes away, it doesn't matter for me. It won't matter ever."

"Jooheon, I can't..."

Jooheon pulled Changkyun into his embrace, kissing the top of his head. Changkyun slowly and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Jooheon.

"I'm the last person who would judge your appearance. You know it."

"But I'm ugly..."

Jooheon finally looked down at Changkyun. His face looked much better like that, though, he had acne all over his cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes were more obvious than ever. "Where?"

Heat spread across Changkyun's face. "Stop looking at me," he murmured, clinging onto Jooheon's T-shirt.

"The prettiest Changkyuni." The taller boy squished the other's cheeks before lifting him by the waist and carrying him to his room. He left him on his bed and sat next to him, burying his face in the crook of Changkyun's neck and placing a light pecks.

"Nooo~," Changkyun started laughing, trying to push Jooheon away, but he continued what he was doing. "That tickles!"

Suddenly Jooheon's head shot up as the realization hit him like a train. He was staring at the boy who couldn't stop laughing to a point where his eyes were watering and he couldn't even hide his face. Jooheon pushed him down on the bed, so he was lying flat on his back, still not being able to control his laughter.

Jooheon's whole face was red. He couldn't stop staring at Changkyun because he and his laugh were so beautiful. Changkyun's smile was the most beautiful thing Jooheon had ever seen. He was pretty sure that at that moment he fell in love.

He lied down next to the boy, with a warm smile glued to his face. Changkyun fell asleep as soon as he took his breath and calmed down. Jooheon turned the lights off and snuggled into Changkyun. He wasn't able to sleep for a while because he was still a blushing mess. The shorter's laughter was still resonating in his ears.

\--

_"You have always told me that it doesn't matter who I like as soon as I'm happy, right?" Jooheon asked his mom around a week after Changkyun had slept over at their house._

_"Of course it doesn't matter, honey. Why?"_

_Jooheon was biting the inside of his mouth nervously. "I like Changkyun..."_

_"Well..." Mrs. Lee shrugged, a bit sad things between them were probably not going to work out even if Changkyun liked Jooheon back. She was going to support them no matter what, though. That was for sure. "He's a nice kid. But I think your dad won't say the same if he somehow found out about all of this."_

_The boy sighed, not sure what was right to do. "Yeah, I know..."_


	10. Chapter 10

"Don't you think that some day he will find better friends and stop hanging out with you?" Hyungwon asked Jooheon while they were on the benches during P.E. class, watching Changkyun play table tennis with Hoseok.

Jooheon snorted. "No matter how good the people he finds will be, he will never find a better friend. I'm sure of that."

"You do sound confident. But how can you be so sure?"

"For around a year we went through too much. If you keep your friendship with Hoseok, you will definitely understand what I mean."

"Bro, friendships don't last." Jooheon just gave him a smile.

\--

Thanks to Hyungwon and Hoseok, Changkyun met Minhyuk and Hyunwoo. Minhyuk was acting like he was Changkyun's mom from the very beginning, but he didn't really mind. Especially when Minhyuk was the best "mom" he had ever had. Sometimes he would rest his head on Minhyuk's lap and just chill while Minhyuk was running his fingers through his hair.

Sometimes Changkyun himself was surprised how talkative he had gotten the last month and how he allowed himself to be happy around other people even if he didn't know them that well. Though, there was that one thing that he couldn't share with anyone but Jooheon. It could be a small thing and maybe not that meaningful for others. Despite that, for Changkyun it was really important. Jooheon was still the only one to see Changkyun's smile - something that was not that rare anymore. At least for Jooheon it wasn't. From time to time, the taller would catch Changkyun smiling in his sleep and he would feel so content.

Liking Changkyun wasn't even something Jooheon regretted. He was so thankful for being this close to the boy and that the trust they had built for one another was so strong. Having a crush on him was really easy all the time. It took him no effort at all. It had it's downfalls for sure, but he was happy most of the time. The shorter was just so easy to be loved.

\--

"Jooheon, do you ever get jealous when I'm talking to other people?" Changkyun looked at Jooheon with his puppy-like eyes.

"I don't. I can't help but just happy that you're already talking to others more and making friends. Why?"

"Sometimes when you're talking with your other friends, I realize that I'm slightly jealous. I understand that it's probably something stupid to worry about, but the fact that I feel it, makes me uneasy. I just think that some day those friends you have are going to be better than me at some point and you will leave me behind. The fact that they're not burdening you in any way and have their shit together already makes them a lot better than me. I'm jealous that they have better lives and if we hadn't met they would've had bigger chances to be your friends." Changkyun was getting sadder just by thinking about it. His mood had suddenly dropped.

Instead of saying anything, Jooheon started placing butterfly kisses all over Changkyun's cheeks like he would sometimes do to bring back the other's smile. And he really did. Changkyun was smiling, though all those things were still on his mind. "No one is able to replace you and your shitty parents and you perfectly know it. And you let your intrusive thoughts overcome you anyways. You just need to understand that no one is better than you and no one will ever be." Changkyun bit on his lower lip, still giving Jooheon that puppy look. "I'm spoiling you too much when you're in a bad mood."

"Probably."

"Are your cuts healing?" The taller asked after he had been wondering for a while already. Changkyun sat up, lifting a bit of his hoodie, enough for Jooheon to see his cuts. He had revealed more the side where there were less and better healed cuts, but Jooheon immediately lifted the other side more, welcomed by the sight of a band-aid. It made him sad. "Is it a new one?"

Changkyun nervously nodded, curling up and covering his head with his hands as if Jooheon was going to scold him or even hit him. But instead, he felt Jooheon's lips on his wounded skin, next to the band-aid. He gave the other a questioning look. "It's a part of the process," Jooheon started. "You haven't really stopped but you have reduced it to only one cut. I can't just tell you to stop doing something that has become a habit for you, and you actually stop and never do it again. I understand. Even if it comes to self harm, it's something you're used to already and can't let go of easily." He smiled warmly at Changkyun. "I'm proud you're trying."

Jooheon rested his head on Changkyun's stomach after the shorter lied flat on his back again. He was a bit calmer that he wasn't in any big trouble for now. He hated the look Jooheon gave him every time he had to face the fact he wasn't okay.

"How is your depression, though?" Changkyun suddenly asked.

Jooheon was with his back against Changkyun, so he couldn't really see how the question had surprised the taller. "Well... All I know is that it's there and won't go away soon. But I'm gradually feeling better."

"I'm glad to hear it." Changkyun's fingers slowly trailed to Jooheon's hair, combing it gently.

\--

Lately, Changkyun's parents didn't go home a lot more than usual. When he was sure they weren't going home any time soon, Changkyun would invite Jooheon because he was feeling lonely every time the other wasn't around.

One night Jooheon suggested going out for a walk. Changkyun agreed because he didn't really get to go anywhere but school. He could barely hold in his excitement about it, actually. Jooheon told him that he was going to pick him at 6pm, but it was already 5 _fucking_ 30pm and " _What the hell should I wear?!_ " Changkyun sat on the carpet in front of his wardrobe, feeling defeated. He had so many clothes, yet nothing to wear. He was so nervous. _What if he didn't look good?_ He didn't go out a lot, he didn't need to worry about that on a daily basis since everyone in school looked as bad as him due to all of the stress and lack of sleep.

He finally decided to man up... And call Jooheon.

"Hello?" Jooheon answered.

"Jooheon, I have no idea what to wear. I've taken care of my face. And my hair. And literally everything else. But the fucking clothes."

Jooheon giggled. "Whatever I say, I think I will be of any help... _Wait!_ That one red plaid shirt I lent you once, but you never returned?"

"The one that looks slightly oversized on you but it can go as a dress for me?" Changkyun asked, realizing that it's the only shirt Jooheon had given him. "Apparently, yes," he quickly answered his own question.

"Use it as a starter and match it with something."

"Okay. Thank you~"

"See ya."

Changkyun ended up putting a random black band shirt under the plaid shirt and blue jeans. While waiting for Jooheon, he spent his free time sitting in front of the mirror, hit by a train of " _Do I look good enough?_ " and " _Those jeans look bad on me_ ". But he had no time to change because Jooheon called the moment Changkyun reconsidered and got up to change his clothes.

When he walked out of his house, he wasn't quite aware of how hard he was blushing. Jooheon pretended he didn't notice, since he himself was blushing quite a lot, too. Changkyun walked over to Jooheon, feeling even more embarrassed.

"I look awful," he mumbled.

"That's not true." Jooheon grabbed Changkyun's hand. "Shall we get going?"

"Where, though?"

"I don't know. We have enough time to decide."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will continue this in the next chapter~~~~
> 
> please dont tell them theyre going on a date theyre gonna get too embarrassed


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like im rly late with updating everything but eh

Jooheon and Changkyun were slowly walking around in the town's center, talking about random things that were catching their attention such as shops and small dogs, running around. They stopped at a large fountain that almost caused Changkyun's jaw to drop. He had seen a lot of big and beautiful fountains around the world since he traveled a lot when he didn't have school, but this one simply got him in awe. The neon lights were always changing, coloring the water beautifully.

Changkyun looked up at Jooheon, who was as taken aback. "It's beautiful," he said.

The taller looked at Changkyun, noticing how the lights were reflecting on his face. It was more beautiful than anything else around. He couldn't take his eyes off of Changkyun. "Yeah... It is."

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Heat spread to Changkyun's cheeks and the tips of his ears.

"No reason," Jooheon smiled.

They continued their walk. Their hands were lightly brushing from time to time which made Changkyun want to grab Jooheon's hand. But he couldn't since there were so many people around them. Someone could get the wrong idea and Changkyun didn't want that happening. He just liked holding Jooheon's hand as some sort of a reminder that he was there.

Eventually, they stopped again. This time, in front of a huge museum. The doors were open and people were walking in and out, so they supposed it wasn't going to close any time soon, though, it was getting a bit late already. Jooheon noticed the way Changkyun was looking at the building. He was interested to go in, but probably didn't find the words to say it or didn't know if Jooheon wanted to go, too. So he was just standing there, staring at the museum longingly.

"Shall we go in?" Jooheon asked, sending a spark of hope in Changkyun's eyes. The shorter boy nodded with a smile he couldn't suppress.

While Changkyun was taking his time to read most of the signs and talk about the exhibits, Jooheon figured that he must be more interested in museums than he supposed at first. That was why he wanted to go in so much. He was starting to know the boy's interests better. Until then, he didn't really know a lot. After all, he wasn't allowed to have hobbies or any interests at all. He had to keep these things for himself only.

The exhibition was one of the most interesting ones Changkyun had seen in his whole life. He was really happy he was sharing all of this with Jooheon and not his relatives. Even if his cousins weren't raised like him and were free to do whatever they wanted to, Changkyun had never felt comfortable with going to them and sharing anything.

They were too tired around an hour and a half later, so they sat on a bench on the third floor of the museum, because there were less people there. Changkyun's fingers found their way to Jooheon's and interlaced them together. Suddenly Jooheon's heart started beating faster.

Changkyun looked at the other, a warm smile curving at the corners of his lips. "You don't look unhappy for a person I just made walk around in a museum for nearly two hours without even asking you if you wanted to go inside."

Looking back at him was a mistake. "It's because I like visiting museums, too. Well, obviously, not as much as you like it, but I still do." _Oh, how much he wanted to just lean in and kiss Changkyun._ Their faces were so close, _yet so far_. It was so hard not telling the boy how much he loved him and that he wanted to spend every second with him because he was the only thing he couldn't stop thinking about.

"I’ve been thinking… If I was able to choose my parents, none of this was going to happen. I wouldn't have met you. I was going to be myself and be happy, that's for sure. But what's the point if you won't be a part of my life?" Changkyun rested his head on Jooheon's shoulder. "I wouldn't know what freedom tastes like, because I would be free all the time, always taking it for granted."

"Are museums always making you this sentimental?"

"Only when I'm with you," Changkyun snorted.

After they had rested enough, they made a second, really quick, lap, so Changkyun could see the exhibits he really liked again. In Jooheon's eyes he looked like a child since he would just stop at a completely random artifact that had caught his interest, mouth partly open and eyes staring in pure amusement. It was amazing how trivial things like that brought out the real him.

It had gotten really late by the time they left the building. The taller boy was going to walk Changkyun home and probably sleep there if he had the opportunity. But as soon as they got there Changkyun noticed the lights were on. _In his parents' room._ _And his own room._ He was scared. "I think we will have to postpone the sleepover... My parents are home."

"I'm sorry..." Since it was Jooheon's idea to go out, now he felt guilty that they actually did it. Changkyun was in trouble.

He felt arms being wrapped around his body and then himself being pulled into a hug. "It's not your fault." Changkyun was hugging Jooheon really tight, with no intention to let go. He knew what was coming up next. He already felt how his mother was going to yell at him for going out instead of studying. Or in that case, for not being in bed and sleeping after midnight. "I had a lot of fun today. Thank you."

When he finally pulled away, Jooheon cupped his cheeks, pressing his forehead against Changkyun's, looking into the boy's eyes. "Don't let them shout at you." He placed a light kiss on the tip of Changkyun's nose. "If anything happens, I will always come and get you out of here. You just need to call me."

"I will." The shorter managed to crack a smile, even if it was forced.

The moment Changkyun walked into the house he felt how tense the air was. He didn't encounter anyone, so he quickly took off his shoes and his jacket and quietly ran to his room... Just to see his mother there. His blood froze.

"Changkyun, where were you?" She asked, sending shivers down to the boy’s spine.

"Out," Changkyun mumbled, looking away from her.

"Yes. I can clearly see that. But where were you exactly?"

He was so nervous that he made his thumb bleed from digging his nails into it. _It had just managed to heal, why was he like this?_  "I was in a museum..."

"With?" The look in her eyes didn't show anything but indifference and no will to understand her own son’s needs. She was raising her voice, but her expression never changed. Cold. Changkyun didn't remember any other expression of hers. That was the only one he knew.

"Who were you with, Changkyun?" Mrs. Lim walked closer to the boy, making him look at her. "I've told you to answer right away, haven't I?"

"Lee Jooheon." Before, when he was going to a sleepover at Jooheon's, both his parents didn't bother to ask whose house he were going to, so his mother was surprised to hear that name.

"From your old class?" Changkyun nodded. "Is he your friend?" The brunette nodded again. "Stop talking to him."

"But, mom--"

" _No_ ," she immediately cut him off. "You were supposed to _study_ because of your _upcoming exam_. You remember that, _right_? Or you were _too busy_ going to the museum with _Jooheon_ to remember? And you were also supposed to go to sleep _early_. Because of said exam.”

"Mom..." Changkyun was at the edge of crying.

"It's for your own good, Changkyun. Stop talking to him. If you fail your exam, I’m going to take more serious measures about all this." She walked out of the room, slamming the door after herself, making Changkyun slightly jump from the sudden loud noise.

Changkyun sat on his bed, lost of emotions. He was staring at the ground, the happiness he felt just minutes ago was already gone. _Maybe he let Jooheon come too close._ That was the first thought that passed his mind. But it was his own fault that he wasn't able to stand up against his parents every time they were restricting him from something. In that case someone. And not just anyone but someone he loved and kept close to his heart. He couldn't stop talking to Jooheon. He was going to continue doing it. It was the only thing his parents couldn't stop him from doing.

He just had to become a little bit distanced from him. Just like before.

\--

**Lim Changkyun (01:14am)**   
_I'm sorry things had to turn out like that._

**Lee Jooheon (01:15am)**   
_what did they tell you?:(_

**Lim Changkyun (01:15am)**   
_Nothing good._


	12. Chapter 12

**Lee Jooheon (10:18am)**   
_why are you avoiding me_

**Lim Changkyun (10:19am)**   
_I am not._

**Lee Jooheon (10:19am)**   
_you just walked past me:)_   
_you saw me._   
_i know you did_

**Lim Changkyun (10:20am)**   
_..._

\--

Jooheon was trying to find Changkyun the whole day, but he was always somewhere else. He knew what classes the boy had and in which classrooms they were but he was never there. Just when he saw him walking down the hallway to his next class, he was about to stop him and talk to him. Changkyun walked past him as if he didn't know him. Jooheon wasn't intending to play tag with him. Not at all.

He knew that all of this had something to do with Changkyun's parents and if he was going to listen to them, then so be it. In fact, he was quite disappointed that Changkyun had obviously decided to go on like that. But he also had no right to force him to do something he wasn't comfortable with. The only thing he had left to do was to wait and see what happens.

\--

Between classes Changkyun would always hurry to the roof to study in peace. Lyckily, Jooheon hadn't thought of searching for him there. His exam was in his last period and, for the first time, he wasn't confident of his knowledge. He felt like he was going to fail. He really missed Jooheon already, but this exam was currently a more important matter since his friendship with Jooheon depended on the score he was going to get.

It was hectic the whole day since he was also trying to avoid Jooheon and not be late for classes. Being with his best friend would only distract him, but he didn't know how to tell him to stay away for a while without offending him with his use of words. The last thing he expected was to almost bump into Jooheon after all the effort he had put in to run away from him for just one day. Earlier he had encountered Hyungwon, too, but was quick to tell him how things were and that he shouldn't tell Jooheon that he saw him.

At the end of their classes he went back on the rooftop. Jooheon was already mad at him, but that didn't mean Changkyun wasn't going to apologize. After all, he was fully aware of what he was doing.

Changkyun dialed Jooheon once. Twice. He was losing hope that he was going to pick up. Fifth time trying to call him and Jooheon finally picked up.

"Hey," Jooheon said with a soft, gentle voice, making Changkyun feel weird.

"Can you come to the school's roof?" He was stuttering... And blushing. _Was that how Jooheon's voice always worked on him?_ _Was he always blushing like that around him?_

"Sure."

Surprisingly, he didn't wait a lot, unlike he did while trying to call. He heard the sound of steps getting closer to him and then Jooheon sitting next to him. They both weren't looking at each other. Just sitting there in silence. Jooheon was trying to figure out what to ask and how not to sound mad at the same time. He really was angry at Changkyun, there was no way he could deny that.

It was so hard for Changkyun to start the conversation. "Yesterday my mom told me to stop talking to you. Today I had an exam and I didn't really study yesterday, so she said that if I fail she is going to take 'serious measures'. I had to avoid you in order to study..." He reached out and grabbed Jooheon's hand, though the other was about to pull away at first. He didn't even hold Changkyun's hand. Just remained still. "I didn't know how to tell you without you thinking that I'm pushing you away and not wanting to be with you... I don't want to lose you just because I haven't gotten a score my parents aren't satisfied with."

Jooheon's hand was still not daring to move, refusing to hold onto the other. He was trying to understand Changkyun, but the reason he gave was more of an excuse.

"You know that I wouldn't leave you because my mother told me to, nor I would start avoiding you for no reason." Yet again, he wasn't getting any response. Changkyun pursed his lips and sat in front on Jooheon, wrapping his legs around the other and cupping his cheeks. "Get mad at me all you want. Shout at me if you have to. Tell me how I'm a bad friend for not telling you. Just don't stop talking to me, please. _I'm sorry_."

"Changkyun." Jooheon's arms wrapped around the other's body, pulling him closer. He was too weak when he had to try resisting Changkyun. Especially when the shorter was starting to get clingy. "Promise me you won't do that ever again."

"I promise," Changkyun breathed.

Jooheon pressed his lips against Changkyun's cheek, not daring to move to the other's lips, though they were just literally a few milimetres away.

It was obvious for Changkyun. _Too obvious_. Their lips were getting closer and closer every time. But he had never assumed that Jooheon liked him. Though his lack of experience, he knew that friends don't kiss, so he didn't do anything. If it had occured to him that Jooheon had feelings for him, he was probably going to do something about it. Or maybe not. Since he didn't feel that way about him. He wanted his first kiss to be with someone he liked. He doubted that it was going to happen any time soon, but he still had a little bit of hope.

\--

Once again Changkyun had the best score on the exam from the whole class. But he was 5 points away from the maximum score. Of course, his parents noticed. Especially his father. He was giving Changkyun a stern look, reminding the boy that he was turning into the family's disappointment again - a role that's been his for way too long.

"I must admit, if it was just one point I would have closed my eyes." Changkyun's dad was holding his exam, observing it carefully. He was the parent who would go softer on Changkyun at times, but that didn't mean he was better than his mother. Right now he was gradually getting softer and Changkyun was so thankful when he was like that. "And the mistakes you've done... I'm disappointed Changkyun. I know that you know these things, but made mistakes because you either didn't read carefully or you were rushing to finish."

"I have the best score in class," Changkyun tried defending himself. "As always," he added.

"Is that so?" Mr. Lim raised an eyebrow. "It's still not the best you can get. You have to study more."

"Dad, I'm studying my ass off, I swear..."

"Yet you got this score." He handed Changkyun the paper. "We just want to afford the best future for you and we are ready to do it, but it won't work if you don't help us out a bit. You understand that, right?"

"I do." Their idea of the ' _best_ ' future wasn't even near to good, according to Changkyun and most likely everyone who knows that it's wrong planning your child's future and not letting them live even for a second.

Mr. Lim sighed. "Look, since you know these things and I'm aware that this could happen to anyone, I will just ask you to try a little bit harder next time." He ruffled the boy's hair in an attempt to make him feel a bit better about the whole situation. "I will also talk with your mom about it, so she doesn't scold you, too. You can go to your room now."

Changkyun was about to head to his room but then turned to his father. "Dad?"

"Yes?"

" _Thank you,_ " Changkyun smiled. His dad was surprised. He hadn't seen his son smile in so many years. He smiled back anyways.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first chapter i write with more than 2k words and its shit i need a pat on the back

Changkyun's mother was furious. She was about to turn the whole house upside down just because her husband hadn't grounded their son "just like he deserved". Mr. Lim was trying to explain to her that grounding wasn't always the way, especially in this case when it was pointless, but she wasn't the type to listen to what other people had to say. She had no intention in doing that.

The boy had just gotten home from school when he heard his parents shouting at each other. Of course, he wasn't unnoticed.

" _Changkyun,_ " his mother yelled, making him shiver. He quickly took off his shoes and ran to the kitchen. "Did I tell you what follows if you have failed your exam?" Changkyun nodded. Well, she didn't exactly say anything about what she was going to do, but he felt what was coming up. "Give me your phone."

"I haven't failed the exam," Changkyun said with all the strength he had gathered to stand up against his mother. Both him and his dad were helpless either way. Once she had made a final decision she was too stubborn to change her mind. "I _haven't_. I have the highest score _every single time_ , but you're too blind because of your own ambitions to realize how hard I'm trying. Or in this case you're blinded by simple five points that no one fucking cares about. No one, but you. _Why am I even trying to prove shit to you?_ You never understand. You don't see how I'm always doing my best. But the only praising I get is from teachers." His blood was boiling and he had so much more to say, but he had to keep quiet for his own good. He had spilled out too much already. "I'm sorry for involving dad, but even he has started understanding me."

Mrs. Lim's eyebrows furrowed. "How dare you talk to me like that?" She growled. "I told you to give me your phone."

" **No.** " Changkyun grit his teeth. He and his mother were glaring at each other until Changkyun had had enough of it. He went outside and headed to Jooheon's house. He forgot calling him, but when he was near, he heard a male voice yelling from the beginning of the street. He continued walking until he heard Jooheon's name being mentioned, so he figured it was his dad.

A few seconds after that, Jooheon furiously went out of the house. He was stomping down the street until he saw Changkyun in front of himself and stopped right away. The look in his eyes suddenly went softer, but Changkyun was more than scared because of all the anger and hatred he saw. It was the first time seeing him like that, so it was expected to be a bit scared.

"Is everything okay?" Changkyun asked, cupping the taller's cheek.

"No," Jooheon said. "Why are you here?"

"...uh... I got into a fight with mom and then I ran away from her. I had to call and ask if I could go to your house before I did anything else. I'm sorry." The shorter stepped forward and hugged Jooheon.

"You looked scared when you saw me. I'm sorry that you had to see that..." This wasn't a side he wanted Changkyun to see. At least not that soon. It was a side that his best friend probably had only just vaguely heard of. He wanted to be the best person in the boy's eyes. They both knew he wasn't really a good person, though.

They went in a nearby park Jooheon was hanging out in before. They were sitting on the branch of a tree, because they felt more alone like that. No one could see them anyways. Which was even better. Jooheon didn't want to talk about what happened with his dad, so he let Changkyun tell him about everything that happened. Jooheon was proud of him, of course, but he was also concerned because Changkyun basically had no place to go now. He couldn't go at his house. There were four or even five other choices, though, Changkyun wasn't that close with those people, so he was going to feel more or less uncomfortable. He couldn't let anyone get as close as Jooheon was.

Changkyun decided that he would call his dad before doing anything else. He had a lot of trust in him already. He wasn't even sure if he had to, but he did. "Dad?"

"Changkyun, are you okay?" Mr. Lim cared to ask before he said anything else. "I'm sorry it happened like that... I tried talking with your mom..."

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry about that. Thank you for trying. I really appreciate it. But the reason I'm calling is connected with the matter... I don't really want to go back home right now... And I have nowhere else to go, so I was wondering if I could stay over at someone's house..." He was still nervous. What if his dad scolded him again? What if all of this was a one time thing and he went back to his old self?

He automatically expected the worst when he heard a sigh from the other side. "Just let me think of something." _Oh, so he was actually going to save his ass._ "Do you remember that one apartment we used to live in before you started junior high? Do you know how to get there?"

"I do."

"It's more of a storage right now, but it still has a bed and all, and it's well kept, so I think it's going to work for a night or two until your mom calms down a bit. There's a key above the door frame."

"Okay... Thanks a lot." A wide smile was spreading across Changkyun's face as if it was the most normal thing in the world. His dad was helping him out so much for the first time in his whole life that he was literally about to cry.

Changkyun was about to hang up when he heard his dad's voice again. "Oh, and, Changkyun..."

"Yes?"

"If your friend Jooheon can come, take him with you. The area isn't the safest as you probably know from experience."

"Dad..."

"No need to thank me, kid. You deserve to have friends after all."

The boy hung up and looked at Jooheon. He had tears in the corners of his eyes. He hugged the other so tight that they were close to falling off of the tree. "You're coming with me, right?" Changkyun asked.

"Why are you even asking?" The taller smiled, looking at Changkyun. "I'd go anywhere if it's with you, Changkyun."

\--

The apartment really was a storage. Changkyun had always wondered what were his parents using it for and now he got to find out. It explained where most of the things they didn't need went. The only empty room was the one that was once his own bedroom. Changkyun had spent his whole childhood there. It made him feel nostalgic.

It was still quite early, the sun hadn't even set, but Changkyun and Jooheon were already lying on the bed, looking at each other. They were at the two ends, not touching one another, until Changkyun reached out and gently put his hand on Jooheon's cheek.

"Jooheon, you've been staring at my lips for five minutes already," he whispered, trying not to laugh.

The taller's eyes widened and his face suddenly flushed in red. "I..." He tried thinking of an excuse, but it didn't work.

"You do that all the time. I honestly have no idea why, but you do it and it feels weird. I'm not even sure if it's weird in the good or the bad way, but if you want to kiss me that much, I'm not stopping you." _He_ was the one who pulled Jooheon closer, not the other way around. _He_ was the one who started all of this and it was his fault that the second their lips touched, Jooheon was already addicted to the feeling. Though, Changkyun pulled away seconds after that because he was too embarrassed and even nervous, he had to admit that Jooheon's lips felt really nice and soft. He already had no idea what happened to " _I want my first kiss to be with someone I like_ ". Right now, he was fine with that someone being Jooheon.

"You still smoke," Changkyun breathed against Jooheon's lips, looking at him in the eyes. "Why?"

"What?"

"Your lips taste like cigarettes." Jooheon didn't answer. Changkyun sighed, kissing the other again. This time they went deeper, but the shorter boy was slightly pulling away every time Jooheon tried inserting his tongue. It didn't look that much of a big deal as long as there was no tongue involved. For Jooheon everything was different. Every single second felt so wrong, but he couldn't stop kissing Changkyun. During his whole life his father had told him that being gay was something really bad. Probably one of the worst things on Earth. Yet there he was, kissing his best friend, who by some coincidence was also his crush and the first boy he had fallen for. Eventually, he felt so wrong that he ended up putting his hands on Changkyun's chest, gently pushing him away from himself.

He had an apologetic expression on his face when he saw how confused and maybe even disappointed Changkyun was looking at him. "I've always been told that if you kiss a person of the same gender, you will go to hell," Jooheon explained. "We shouldn't be doing that because it's bad." The explanation reminded Changkyun of how a child would explain it - without a reason, but just what his father had told him.

"Then we're going to hell together."

Jooheon was already guilty of liking a boy. If he continued all of this, his father was going to find out about it sooner or later. This wasn't good at all. He buried his face in Changkyun's T-shirt.

"Jooheon, you haven't done anything wrong," Changkyun said, his fingers combing the other's hair slowly. "I swear, you haven't. You just did what you wanted to. And it's not like I disliked it, so everything is okay. The only reason this isn't something we should be doing is that we're friends, which is something you are well aware of. Yet I still don't mind. Just a few months ago I bet you were kissing literally every girl that you wrapped in your arms and didn't care at all because they were gone the next day, but then you kiss me and it's suddenly a problem. I bet you didn't even want to kiss most of those girls. Not to mention going further with them. But you did."

The taller was biting on his lower lip the whole time Changkyun was talking. He was too embarrassed to look at the other. He felt so disgusting. "Am I the first person you kiss?"

"You are."

 _Great._ He had gone and done it without even considering that Changkyun had never kissed before that. He kind of realized it by the really clumsy and sloppy way he was kissing him, but it didn't occur to him that he himself wasn't the best choice for a first kiss. Wasn't even a good choice. "You deserved so much better..."

"It's you, so I don't mind. I already told you." Changkyun lifted Jooheon's chin, kissing him for the third time. "Please, don't feel bad about this."

"I will try." Jooheon smiled against the shorter's lips. He was starting to love Changkyun even more. He was too nice. So much time had passed and he still wasn't used to how kind he was.

Suddenly Changkyun sat up, looking at Jooheon with the warmest smile he had ever given him. "Let's go eat. I haven't eaten anything today."

"Sure."

They both stood up and headed to the exit, but the second before Changkyun reached out to open the door, Jooheon managed to grab him on time and kiss him. The shorter couldn't help but only grin while he was wrapping his arms around Jooheon's neck, standing on the tips of his toes, though, he wasn't that shorter than him.

Changkyun had never felt so close to Jooheon. In any way that was possible. He felt content.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please dont be mad that i started updating slowly but school happened   
> i will try my best updating as often as possible ;-;

While walking to his classroom, something disturbed Jooheon. He overheard people talking about Changkyun every time after he walked past someone, but he couldn't exactly make out what they were saying. His own name was involved at times, too.

As he turned around the corner he saw Minhyuk leading Changkyun away from a group of, probably, older boys. The two were walking towards him. Changkyun had his face covered with his hands and it looked like he was crying or at least trying not to. Minhyuk was trying to calm him down, then he noticed Jooheon ahead of them. He made him a gesture for him to stay away while heading to the bathroom with the shorter boy.

The group of boys was glaring at Jooheon for a while until they headed to the direction opposite of him. It was obvious that they were bullying Changkyun and then Minhyuk came for the rescue.

He quickly forgot the gesture Minhyuk made, because he was more concerned about Changkyun, so he followed them in the bathroom. Changkyun was washing his face while Minhyuk was standing at the door. He slightly started panicking the moment he saw Jooheon.

" _What are you doing here?_ Go away," Minhyuk hissed. He tried talking as quiet as possible. Seemed like Changkyun heard him anyway. He wasn't deaf, after all.

"He can stay. You can go now... I don't want you to be late for class because of me."

Minhyuk was feeling uneasy leaving Changkyun all alone with Jooheon since he was the reason they bullied him. But if Changkyun said it was alright for him to stay, he basically had no word in that. "Call me, if you need me."

"Okay. Thanks."

Minhyuk threw Jooheon a glare before going back to his classroom. Now it was just Changkyun and Jooheon. The air between them was quite tense. Finally, Jooheon sighed and walked towards Changkyun.

"What happened?" He wrapped his arm around Changkyun's shoulders. The shorter let himself cry this time. Just because he was with Jooheon, not with anyone else. He looked at the other with an expression that easily broke his heart.

"Just promise me you will never go anywhere without me," Changkyun cried out, hugging Jooheon as tight as he could. "Promise me you will never leave me."

Jooheon was dumbfounded. He had no actual idea what Changkyun was talking about and he felt like he didn't want to know the full story behind this, because he didn't want Changkyun to see him angry again. Especially if it was because of some idiots who didn't matter in their lives. He hugged the other, softly pressing his lips against his forehead. "I promise," he breathed. His hand was slowly caressing the shorter's back as a sign of assurance that he would always be there. "You don't have to worry about anything they told you. I'm never going to leave you."

Once everything was back to normal, the taller boy walked Changkyun to his classroom. Before Changkyun went in they were talking for a while in front of the door.

"I will come pick you up right after the class ends. If you meet those dudes again, just ignore them, okay?" Changkyun nodded with a hint of a smile. He was about to go inside when Jooheon interrupted his action. "And one more thing."

"What?"

Jooheon just tapped his index finger on his lips and it was enough for Changkyun to understand. He looked around just in case anyone was around and got on his tip toes to kiss Jooheon. It was probably only Jooheon's imagination, but he felt Changkyun smiling against his lips. It didn't last long until they both pulled away and Changkyun walked into the room. Jooheon was hoping to receive at least a glance by Changkyun to make sure he was actually smiling, but the boy didn't look at him.

\--

The moment Jooheon got back home from school, he was met by his father. At least there wasn't anything thrown at him this time. At moments like this, he was starting to look really ironically on his family problems.

"Boy, go and buy me beer," his dad said, walking to Jooheon, handing him a, not so small, amount of money. Jooheon got the hint soon enough. He didn't want just one beer as he usually did, but this time he had probably received his paycheck. At least he wasn't going to be made to go buy alcohol for him the next week which was better for him.

Every time he was going to the convenience store for his father's needs, _because he was obviously too lazy to get his ass up and buy beer himself_ , Jooheon was buying cigarettes for himself, too. It was the only thing he couldn't let go of from the life he was leading just a few months ago and he hated it, yet he couldn't stop himself from doing it. He would always smoke when Changkyun wasn't around. Even when Changkyun found out about it, Jooheon wouldn't dare to smoke in front of him - just the same as when he was with his mother. For him, who someone smoked in front of was all a matter of respect.

He got back home and left the bottles of beer on the kitchen table along with the change next to them. He was about to head to his room when he received a text message from Changkyun, telling him to go to his house and help him with packing. _Packing what???_

Jooheon was already tired of walking around and wanted to just sit on his ass and rest. He also wanted to smoke because he had survived the whole day at school and now he really needed to. But, after all, it was Changkyun who needed him, so he had to go.

For the first time since he knew Changkyun, he was in his house while his father was there, too. He still wasn't sure that he was to be trusted even though he had started acting nice with Changkyun. But only time would tell at this point. At least one of his parents had opened their eyes for once in a while.

He walked into Changkyun's room, witnessing the aftermath of a tornado. All clothes from Changkyun's wardrobes were taken outside, scattered around his whole room. He was pretty sure he saw a T-shirt on top of a wardrobe, he didn't dare to look again. Changkyun was on the ground, leaning back on his bed and sitting in front of a suitcase. Jooheon sighed and closed the door. He made his way through the small piles of clothes and sat next to Changkyun.

Without waiting for Jooheon to say anything, Changkyun started talking. "My dad let me go to the camp." _Oh, right, there was a camp from school._ Jooheon had completely forgotten about that. "I need help, because it's going to be the first time I go somewhere without my parents. I literally don't know what to take."

Jooheon rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger, letting out a quiet laugh. He wrapped his arm around the boy's shoulders. "You are hopeless without me."

Changkyun threw him a puppy-ish look and a pouty lip, snuggling closer to Jooheon. "I am."

The taller tried restraining himself from kissing Changkyun. Ever since Changkyun kissed him for the first time, the task was getting more and more difficult for him. He still felt so wrong doing it, though he also liked it. He was so desperate for Changkyun's lips. He wanted to kiss him without caring about anything else, without anything stopping him from being fully happy.

"Kiss me," Changkyun whispered, interrupting his thoughts.

"No..."

"Please."

"I can't."

"Do we really have to go through this again?" Changkyun frowned, resting his head on Jooheon's shoulder.

"Changkyun, I'm sorry..."

The shorter hugged Jooheon by the waist, reassuring him it was fine. "Whenever you feel like it."

They continued sitting like that for a while, Changkyun holding Jooheon's hand, playing with his thumb. He was kind of tired now. As soon as he was wrapped in Jooheon's warmth, he was too comfortable to move.

He heard the front door of the house being opened and closed and then locked, indicating that his father had headed to work. It was just the two of them now. Changkyun sat between Jooheon's legs, kissing him on the cheek a few times, probably getting too carried away, because he was getting closer and closer to the other's lips.

Little did he know that he was in love with him. After all, he didn't know what love felt like. But he was aware Jooheon was his real and only home and family, the only person he felt comfortable with. That was enough for him. He wasn't noticing anything different about his feelings. It was just a matter of time that he realized he was starting to fall for his best friend. That time still hadn't come and maybe it was better for him that way.

"Let's pack tomorrow," Changkyun said, removing some of the clothes on his bed, piling them up on the ground.

"Okay."

Even though Changkyun was sleepy, it was still the afternoon, so they were just watching cartoons on his bed for the rest of the day. They stopped because Changkyun had to write his homework and study at least a bit.

Jooheon was getting bored without Changkyun. He was either watching the boy study or playing on his phone to kill time. He had been waiting for three hours. It was too long to bear. " _Changkyuuuuun~_ "

"Just wait a little bit more."

"I'm bored."

"I'm almost done."

The taller boy got up and walked behind Changkyun's chair. He kissed the top of Changkyun's head. "You've been studying for nearly four hours, you need to rest."

Changkyun exhaled slowly and put his pen on the desk. He was trying to be calm. But now he was getting angry for no reason. His body had tensed up. He just didn't like being pressured like that or in any way. "I told you I'm almost done. I _don't_ need to rest."

"Changkyun, I'm serious, you look tired."

" _Shut up and leave me alone_ ," the boy raised his voice.


	15. Chapter 15

"Wow." Jooheon stepped back, taking his phone from the bed. "They say I'm the one with personality issues, but look what we've got."

" _I told you to leave,_ " Changkyun yelled.

" _I'm doing it now,_ " Jooheon yelled back at him. He went out and slammed the door after himself so loudly that it made Changkyun's ears hurt. He was too sensitive towards loud noise. Sometimes it even lead to migraine. That was probably thanks to all of his mother's yelling through the years.

Jooheon didn't go back home. He was sitting in front of Changkyun's house. Maybe what he said was a bit too much. But he knew it wasn't his fault for what happened. He just wanted Changkyun to rest. And he even got yelled at because of it, _because he cared_.

On the other hand, Changkyun continued studying, without putting much meaning into Jooheon's actions.

\--

As he went out of his house and locked the front door, ready to head to school, Changkyun saw his mother talking with someone. Soon enough he realized - that someone was Jooheon. And they weren't just casually talking. His mother was yelling at him. Jooheon didn't seem to care a lot. He wasn't even listening to her.

Changkyun walked over to them, giving his mother a questioning look.

"Changkyun," his mother suddenly said with a sharp tone as if she was expecting from him to appear. "Did you know that this _dear friend_ of yours, standing in front of me, smokes?"

"Yeah," Changkyun responded with a shrug. "I perfectly know. He smokes. A big part of the human population smokes. Including my aunt. If I have to remind you, that's _your_ sister. Why not judge her? Stop searching for ways to create new _first world problems_ or whatever. Especially if they involve him." He grabbed Jooheon by his forearm, making the other walk with him to the opposite direction. He perfectly knew that his mother wouldn't leave it like that. Nothing good was going to expect him when he gets home. He just wanted to look though in front of Jooheon, knowing the cost of it.

They were walking in silence until Changkyun's mom was out of sight, probably not out in the street anymore. Soon after, Changkyun's hand slipped down, his fingers interlacing with Jooheon's. "I'm sorry," he said, looking up at Jooheon. "I didn't want you to leave. I... I just felt pressured... and... I shouldn't have yelled at you."

Jooheon didn't look at him, neither did he respond. The only difference was that a hint of a smile had formed in the corners of his lips.

Once again, it was quiet and it was really uncomfortable for Changkyun because he had no idea what Jooheon was thinking about or if he forgave him.

They reached school sooner than they expected and they had some time before their classes started, so they just went on the rooftop. Jooheon had to give Changkyun his sweater because it was quite windy and he noticed that the shorter got shivers from time to time.

"Are you warm now?"Jooheon asked, sitting opposite of Changkyun. It was the first time he spoke to the other since he left last night.

Changkyun just moved to the space between Jooheon's legs and wrapped his arms around his body. "I am now," he smiled sweetly. Jooheon smiled back at him, kissing him on the forehead. "You look like you haven't slept," Changkyun remarked.

"I haven't," Jooheon tried to make it sound like it wasn't much of a big deal. He told Changkyun's mom that he was there just to pick him up for school, but the truth was that he was sitting there or walking around the whole night with the little hope that Changkyun was going to call him to come back. Even if he didn't, he was still there.

The shorter remained silent. He was still looking at Jooheon, not taking his eyes off of him. He was gradually leaning closer against Jooheon. The other didn't stop him. So he kissed him. Jooheon cupped his cheeks, wanting to pull him even closer but they were already too close for that to be possible.

Once again, Changkyun felt the strong taste of cigarettes on Jooheon's lips, but he didn't exactly dislike it. Maybe even the opposite. He loved Jooheon's lips. Especially if they were against his own. 

His heart was beating fast and Jooheon could feel it. The taller pulled away and looked at the other, gently brushing his thumbs against his cheeks. He was biting his tongue in an attempt to suppress the need to tell Changkyun he loved him. He just buried his face in the crook of Changkyun's neck, holding the boy tight.

"What are you going to do when you go home?" Jooheon asked. "I think you contributed a lot to make your mom's blood boil."

" _Oh._ " Changkyun started thinking of an answer because until then he only knew that his mom was going to yell at him, but he had no idea what he was going to do. "Well... I guess I'm just going to keep quiet until she's done and then she sends me to my room. It always works."

"What about packing?" A mischievous smile curved on Changkyun's lips. "What?"

"You can sneak through the window, right?"

"Of course I can."

The shorter kissed Jooheon again. "I'm glad I can always rely on you."

\--

"Did she yell a lot?" Jooheon asked as soon as he climbed into Changkyun's room. The other just nodded and quickly made him a gesture to keep quiet. "Oh," Jooheon remembered Mrs. Lim was still in the house. "Sorry," he whispered.

They couldn't talk, so they just started packing Changkyun's suitcase, Jooheon making gestures at him, guiding him what to and not to take. Unfortunately, they had to tidy Changkyun's room along with packing. And just as Jooheon thought, there actually was a T-shirt on top of a wardrobe. There was no explanation of how it got there. Changkyun just shrugged. By the time they were done, they were both really tired and needed sleep.

"When are you going to pack, though?" Changkyun sat on his bed.

"Tomorrow," Jooheon responded, sitting next to him, rubbing his back. "I can stay here, right?"

"You can. I've locked the door, so it's fine."

The shorter grabbed the other by the collar, slowly pulling him down on the bed while kissing him. "Do you know what I discovered?" Changkyun asked as quietly as he could, not only because he was scared that his mom could hear him talk, but also because he was slightly embarrassed. Jooheon was just looking at him with a light smile, waiting for him to tell. "I love falling asleep next to you. And waking up next to you. And literally every single second spent with you." For a moment he got worried because the smile on Jooheon's face had disappeared and he was just looking at him with an expression that he couldn't even read. He supposed that he had said something wrong, so he just covered them both with a blanket and snuggled into Jooheon.

"I love you, too." Changkyun suddenly looked up at the other, grinning at him. Jooheon pecked him on the cheek, accidentally tickling him and making him giggle.

They were just about to fall asleep when Changkyun lifted his head up, his gaze shifting to Jooheon once again. "Get up and turn off the lights," he said.

"I can't deal with you anymore," Jooheon groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's my baby joohoney's birthday!!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unfortunately im still alive

"Have you traveled by train before?" Jooheon asked after he was done making sure his or anyone else's luggage wasn't going to fall from above them. He sat down next to Changkyun, who was looking at something on his phone.

"I have," the shorter said, resting his head on Jooheon's shoulder instinctively. "How about you?"

"Never." Jooheon didn't even hide how nervous he felt. Changkyun would've figured him out anyways. As he always did.

"It's going to be fine." Changkyun reached out to pet Jooheon, not taking his eyes off of his phone. "Hoseok, would you _stop_ texting me while you're sitting in front of me?" He just glanced at the guy, making him mumble a really quiet " _oops_ " and leave his phone aside.

"I think it's only me and Changkyun who have traveled by train," Hyungwon mentioned, peeking from behind Hoseok's shoulder. "Kihyun said he also hasn't, but his class is at another camp."

"It would've been more fun if Kihyun was here," Changkyun said, receiving a shrug from Hyungwon and a bit of a skeptical look from Minhyuk.

Even though there was still some free space in the compartment, Jooheon noticed that Hoseok wasn't moving from Hyungwon's lap. At that point the whole school believed they're dating and they weren't even trying to prove the opposite.

A big part of the ride was quiet and peaceful, thanks to the fact that most of the boys had fallen asleep at some point. Changkyun was the only one, who was awake the whole time. He was looking through the window, amused by the beautiful sceneries and the towns and villages they were passing. From time to time he would ask himself how were the others sleeping while there was so much to see. All of the things he saw somehow inspired him and at moments like that he wished he was good at art, so he could recreate all of it in all of its beauty.

No matter how much he snuggled into Jooheon, he was getting colder and colder, but he couldn't open his suitcase because he knew he'd wake everyone up... Except Hyungwon maybe. The guy could sleep like a rock no matter what was happening around him.

So there he was, with no jacket on and freezing. He was so ready to just wake someone up and ask them for a jacket, but, after all, sleep was quite important, so he didn't intend to interrupt it. He continued looking outside, trying to ignore how he already couldn't move his fingers from the cold.

\--

"Changkyun, you just had to wake me up," Jooheon groaned while giving Changkyun his own jacket. "Or anyone else, really. No one was going to be mad at you." He got up and opened Changkyun's suitcase to take his scarf and then put it around Changkyun's neck. He sat down, allowing Changkyun to rest his head on his shoulder again.

"Sorry," Changkyun mumbled.

"How much do we have until we get there?" Minhyuk asked while yawning.

"Around two hours, I think," Jooheon answered after looking at the time on his phone. "Maybe even three."

"More time to sleep then!" Minhyuk smiled and hugged Hyunwoo like the giant teddy bear he was, drifting off to sleep soon after.

Jooheon joined Changkyun with looking outside. At some point they were quietly pointing at animals they saw, filling the compartment with quiet giggles. Changkyun had moved to sit in Jooheon's lap, so both of them could see through the window better.

Suddenly, Jooheon kissed Changkyun on the cheek, making the other move away from him.

" _What do you think you're doing?!_ " Changkyun whispered. Then he turned and looked around to make sure the others were actually asleep and no one saw what happened.

"They're asleep," Jooheon reassured, pulling Changkyun by the waist, so he could sit in his lap again. He looked over the shorter's shoulder, finally seeing what he was doing on his phone for so long. "You're searching for museums?"

Changkyun hummed. "There are some really good ones around the hotel we're staying in. And they're around four. Let's go tomorrow?"

"Sure."

\--

It took too long to put three classes in rooms. So long that Hyungwon fell asleep twice.

When they finally got the key for their room, Jooheon and Changkyun ran to their room, competing who would get there first. They both stopped when they saw there was one double bed, not two separate ones. 

"I know we sleep together when we're at home, but..." Changkyun looked away, getting slightly flustered. "That's a bit..."

"I understand..."

"Let's build a fort, so it's less gay."

They started making something that reminded of a pillow fort but at some point they were trapped under the warmth of the blankets and didn't want to move anymore. Changkyun was snuggled in Jooheon, slowly tracing his fingers down the other's arm.

"Did you lock?" Changkyun asked, looking up at Jooheon and receiving a nod right after. He put his hands on either side of Jooheon's face and kissed him. After that he kept their lips as close as possible, but without kissing him anymore.

"I'm glad I get to be here with you and away from my parents," Changkyun whispered. "I wish we could go to trips... You know, just the two of us..."

He was probably too tired to realize what he was saying, but the color of his cheeks gave away how embarrassed he was. At least he really meant all of it. It was comfortable being away from his parents, but he felt strange because of the fact that he was surrounded by so many people from his school, especially when he didn't know most of them.

Changkyun gradually fell asleep while he was in Jooheon's arms and Jooheon knew he was screwed. He could compare it with the feeling when a cat slept in a person's lap - there's no moving. Luckily, but at the same time unfortunately, his mom called. Changkyun woke up because of it.

Jooheon had to go out on the balcony, so Changkyun could fall asleep again. The moment he went out he saw Minhyuk and Hoseok on the balcony to the right, drinking boxed juice and laughing at something Minhyuk was showing on his tablet. They just looked like two sassy sisters, who were judging everyone. They even had matching T-shirts and jackets.

"Jooheon, do you want to join us?" Minhyuk asked after Jooheon was done with his call. Jooheon just went over the small fence that was parting the two balconies and sat with Minhyuk and Hoseok, receiving free boxed juice that Minhyuk got out from the cooler he had brought with himself.

"And I was wondering why are you bringing a cooler... Why did you bring so much juice?"

Minhyuk just shrugged, taking a sip from his juice. "I'm 16 and if I want to bring all the boxed juice in the world to a camp, I _will_ do it."

" _What a problematic kid_ ," Hoseok sighed dramatically. "When I was your age kids weren't like that. Now all the today's generation cares about is boxed juice."

"Hoseok, you're 16, too," Jooheon reminded.

"I turn 17 in less than two months!"

"Wait..." Jooheon quickly took out his phone, looking at the date. All of a sudden he had a really worried expression on his face. "It's Changkyun's birthday tomorrow..." He hurried to go back in his room, leaving Hoseok and Minhyuk confused.

"He's fucked," Minhyuk concluded after they were sitting in silence for a while.

" _Definitely_."


	17. Chapter 17

Jooheon had completely forgotten about Changkyun's birthday. And he didn't have much time to think of anything. There were only a few hours left and he could go out with Minhyuk and Hoseok or something like that, but Changkyun was already waking up from his nap and whatever he was planning had basically went down the drain already.

"Where are you going?" The shorter asked sleepily as he saw Jooheon putting on his jacket. With the help of his arms he lifted his upper half from the bed, so he was sitting.

"I was going to go out and look what's around the hotel," Jooheon nervously explained, obviously failing to hide that he was hiding something, but, thankfully, Changkyun didn't notice or at least didn't pay attention. "Do you want to come with me? Or do you want to go back to sleep?"

"It's getting late," Changkyun mumbled after checking his phone. "There's a curfew, you know."

"Who cares?" Jooheon grinned. Changkyun just nodded and got up, his lips also curving into the same devilish grin. He took his jacket from the ground, where he had left it because he was too busy building the so-called pillow fort, and followed Jooheon, who had already went out.

\--

They were walking outside for around three hours. There was still an hour until Changkyun's birthday, but Jooheon saw a few shops where he could buy a gift early in the morning while Changkyun was still asleep. In the worst case, he would take Changkyun and make him choose a gift himself. He had to do everything possible so that didn't happen.

After they sneaked back in the hotel they were finding different ways to kill time since for the both of them it was too early to go to sleep. They ended up playing Hearthstone against each other. Jooheon was constantly checking the time, waiting for the clock to strike 11:59. The moment it did, he left his phone and pulled Changkyun closer to himself, making him put his phone aside, too.

"What--" Changkyun's question was interrupted by a bit too sudden and even a slightly rough kiss. He just went with the flow, kissing Jooheon back. The kiss was gradually getting slower, but more passionate and not as rough. Jooheon slowly combed Changkyun's hair, parting their lips. "What was that for?" Changkyun asked, completely left out of breath.

"Happy birthday," Jooheon breathed against the other's lips, kissing him again.

\--

It was 5AM, but Changkyun couldn't sleep. What was keeping him awake was the thought that Jooheon not only knew when his birthday was, but he also remembered about it. It was warming his heart, knowing that Jooheon cared so much and bothered to remember meaningless details like that. Meanwhile, he had no actual idea when was Jooheon's birthday and he felt really bad because he wished he paid more attention to that.

He slowly rolled to the other side and got up, so he could sit on top of Jooheon, who was lying on his back. Though Jooheon was more of a light sleeper, he didn't wake up by Changkyun's weight. The boy poked the other's cheek but got no sign of life.

"Wake up..."

After a few more pokes, Changkyun gave up on that and just grabbed Jooheon's face, leaned in and kissed him. This time Jooheon woke up, but he was too sleepy and lazy to kiss Changkyun back (and he wasn't really awake to realize what was happening at first), so he just wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer to himself, so Changkyun lied down. The shorter's head was on Jooheon's chest and he could hear his calming heartbeat.

Without saying anything, Changkyun got up again after a while and pulled Jooheon up after he made sure he was awake for real. They put their jackets on and took their shared blanket outside on the balcony. They sat on one of the chairs that was there, covering themselves with the blanket.

It was foggy and cold and really humid, but it was still calming. The silence itself was calming. And Changkyun wanted to share that feeling with no one else, but Jooheon. Though the low temperatures in January, Changkyun took the opportunity because he didn't know if he was going to be able to do it again soon.

"It's been long since I've looked on my birthday as something special," Changkyun murmured. "I don't understand why would someone make the effort to remember it... And it makes me feel stupid because you've never mentioned anything about your birthday..."

"6th October," Jooheon simply answered, slowly running his fingers through the shorter's silky hair. Changkyun felt bad that he had missed it four times, two of which they knew each other. He didn't say anything, though. "Does it make you feel less stupid now?" Jooheon joked.

"It does," Changkyun snorted.

After sitting in silence for a while, they went back in the much warmer room and snuggled under the blankets. 

Later that day they had a trip to a nearby city, famous for its sightings, and after going back to the hotel, they could do whatever they wanted in the town. Jooheon's current plan was that he was going to take Changkyun to every single museum that the boy was interested in (because he cared to remember even that). Of course, he had to think of some sort of a gift, too, because he didn't think that just visiting museums was enough. He wanted to make everything special and make Changkyun believe that his birthday wasn't just "another day".

Jooheon usually didn't sleep a lot, but for some reason he felt really warm in Changkyun's arms and fell asleep with ease. 

Before falling asleep he was thinking about how awful he felt for not being able to tell Changkyun about his real feelings for him,  because it was going to make everything between them even more complicated than it already was. So he was just going to pour his feelings into his actions, hoping that some day Changkyun would understand.

\--

Minhyuk was basically running after Jooheon as he was trying to keep up with him. They had woken up two hours earlier to buy a gift for Changkyun. Though he was complaining a lot because it was still early (" _Don't you ever sleep?_ ") and it was very cold, Minhyuk was glad that he was helping Jooheon. It also gave him an opportunity to choose a gift, too, since he had gotten close to Changkyun and wanted to make him happy.

"Jooheon," Minhyuk called as he was looking at a small porcelain elephant that had caught his attention for an unknown reason. 

The moment they saw a souvenir store they couldn't help but just go there, so now they were there, not even sure if they were going to find anything. They just wanted to look around.

Jooheon walked over to Minhyuk, looking at the elephant. "What?"

"I was wondering..." Minhyuk suddenly left the elephant where he took it from and glanced at Jooheon. "Do you like Changkyun?"

Just as he expected, Jooheon turned his back against him, heading to the exit. "Let's go, so we go back before he wakes up."

Minhyuk ended up buying two of those porcelain elephants because he really liked them and he wanted to give one to Hyunwoo, too. But except that, they went back to the hotel with nothing for Changkyun. Jooheon was disappointed but he hadn't given up on thinking of something. As long as Changkyun wasn't suspecting anything it was all okay.

When Jooheon tapped his card against his hotel room's scanner and opened the door he almost bumped into Changkyun who was about to go out.

"Jooheon!" Changkyun exclaimed happily as if he hadn't seen him for years. He quickly pulled Jooheon into the room and closed the door so he could hug him. Needless to mention how cute Jooheon found that. "Where were you?"

"I was out with Minhyuk," the taller explained, wrapping his arms around Changkyun's smaller body. "Let's go eat."

"Okay," Changkyun agreed, though he never had breakfast. It wasn't because he was forcing himself to starve, it was just that he had no appetite right after waking up. 

They headed to the hotel's buffet and while walking Jooheon started feeling like he was accidentally going to fuck up everything and ruin Changkyun's birthday. He really wished that there was no reason for him to worry because the day was going good so far.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's kyun's bday yayyy!!! i wasn't even planning on updating on his birthday but ??? !!!!!!!!!!
> 
> //also i decided that his birthday will be in two chapters (and maybe even three if i want to write more fluff!!!) because i  already hit my limit of 1300+ words and have no other choice but stop here


	18. Chapter 18

Opposite of everyone's expectations, the short trip was rather boring. Changkyun was trying his best to find the beauty in his surroundings but that just didn't work sometimes. And it seemed like he wasn't the only one who was trying hard. Meanwhile Minhyuk was probably the only one enjoying every single second. He was constantly pulling Hyunwoo by the sleeve every time he saw something because he wanted to show him, too.

Eventually Jooheon and Changkyun sat away from everyone else, so they could take some rest from being around so many people. Jooheon had his forehead rested against Changkyun's shoulder while Changkyun was gently brushing the other's hair with his fingers.

"I'm tired already," Jooheon mumbled, clinging onto Changkyun's shirt.

"Well, if you haven't gone out with Minhyuk earlier you were going to be less tired. Why were you out anyways?" Changkyun was trying his best not to act like a hysterical mother, but that was exactly what he sounded like. Except that his voice was calm and not hysterical.

Jooheon didn't really have a reason to lie to Changkyun, so he just went in for telling the truth. "We were out to search for a gift for you and he came because I asked him to help me."

"You do realize that all I need is to be with you, right?" Changkyun lifted Jooheon's chin up to face him. "Spending a whole day with you is the best gift I could get even if it wasn't my birthday. Not to mention I won't be spending just a day but a whole week. I couldn't have asked for anything better." A wide smile appeared on his face as he saw Jooheon getting all blushy and embarrassed. He quickly let go of him before anyone saw them but his smile didn't fade away. The taller was just staring at him as if he couldn't process what Changkyun had just said.

" _Why are you so sappy?_ "

Changkyun's jaw immediately dropped for he wasn't ready for a comeback like that. "Because you're _my_ Jooheoney and you're the _only one_ I'm sappy with." Changkyun grinned as Jooheon was the one whose jaw dropped this time.

\--

After having lunch Jooheon didn't even give Changkyun the chance to sit in bed. They just took some things and went outside again, Changkyun being completely clueless about where they were going, but he eventually got the idea as soon as he found himself in front of one of the museums he really wanted to see.

He glanced at Jooheon already knowing why he had been acting kind of weird since the previous day.

The first thing he did as they walked in was taking a guide to make sure that it was really worth it going further in. It sure as hell was worth it and both Jooheon and Changkyun were more than glad about that. (Especially Jooheon.)

The shorter continued observing the guide while Jooheon was paying for their tickets.

"Are you planning on seeing the actual exhibition or will you limit yourself to the guide?" Jooheon asked teasingly. Changkyun quickly put the piece of paper in his pocket and went after Jooheon who had already walked into the main room.

\--

When he heard a knock on the door, Minhyuk assumed it was Jooheon and Changkyun. He quickly got up, pulling away from Hyunwoo's embrace, and went to open the door. He got greatly disappointed to see Changkyun's homeroom teacher.

"Where are Changkyun and Jooheon?" She asked, not even waiting for the boy to say anything before that.

"They're outside."

"Call them and tell them to come back." Minhyuk just raised an eyebrow at her. "All of you perfectly know that you can't wander in town without teachers around."

While she was talking Minhyuk had already figured out what to say and how to save the day. "Listen, I really want to call them because I care about their safety a lot - maybe even more than you do - and I don't want them to get lost in a town they don't know. But I really wouldn't want to ruin Changkyun's birthday. Jooheon wants to make it memorable and if I call them the only thing both of them are going to remember is how you ruined it for them." The blond was smiling widely which he also thought would help him in the situation because he knew he was going to piss her off.

"Okay, just remind them dinner is at 7:30," the teacher sighed.

"I will."

After closing the door Minhyuk's sugar coated smile quickly disappeared and he went back to bed, snuggling into Hyunwoo again. "There will always be a teacher who will try getting in the way," he complained with a hint of anger in his voice. "The kids just want to have a good time together without anyone bothering them."

"Calm down." Hyunwoo pulled Minhyuk closer to himself, kissing the top of his head.

Suddenly Minhyuk got really dreamy and he felt really soft, forgetting that he was angry. "Jooheon is so in love with Changkyun, you have no actual idea how much." He put his hands on his own cheeks, looking up at Hyunwoo with a bright smile. "They could end up dating some day."

"They look cute together," Hyunwoo admitted. "Besides, they don't really like talking to anyone else but each other."

"Which makes them an even cuter couple." The brunette hummed, happy about how energetic and excited his boyfriend was. "Honestly, though, should we help them get together?"

"Just leave them settle it out themselves."

Minhyuk nodded, positioning himself better and pressing a soft kiss against Hyunwoo's jaw.

\--

It was after 9pm when Jooheon and Changkyun were finally heading back to the hotel. They decided to eat outside, so they didn't even bother joining their classes for dinner, though Minhyuk and Hoseok had called them a few times. They knew they were going to have trouble with their teachers but it was so worth it.

" _I'm so exhausted,_ " Changkyun complained, grabbing onto Jooheon's hand and entwining their fingers. "I feel like this is the most fantastic yet tiring day of my life." The smile he had on his face didn't manage to fade away for a second. He was looking down at the ground, feeling the heat spread across his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

"Since we've only looked at museums today... Do you want to go to the art gallery tomorrow?" Changkyun looked up at Jooheon, his eyes suddenly lighting up. "I will take that as a yes," Jooheon smiled.

Just a day ago Changkyun was convinced that Jooheon wasn't really sharing the same interests as him, but just pretended to make him happy. Now he was proved wrong as he saw that Jooheon was looking on everything with the same excitement in his eyes. Maybe he wasn't one to go to museums often but when he was in one he was so immersed into the feeling it brought. And though Changkyun had never mentioned anything about art galleries, there was Jooheon suggesting to go.

The two boys sneaked into the hotel and in their room, not wanting to move once they were in bed. Changkyun was half asleep but he still had concealer on his face. Jooheon sighed, reaching out for his suitcase to take out wet wipes.

He carefully started cleaning Changkyun's face. In the beginning Changkyun knitted his eyebrows as he felt something cold and wet against his skin but as he realized it was a wet wipe he let Jooheon continue without attempting to protest.

"You're so beautiful, Changkyun," Jooheon said when he was done cleaning the concealer from the boy's face. He cupped Changkyun's cheek, brushing his thumb against his cheekbone.

"I'm not," Changkyun mumbled with an already sleepy voice.

"You are." The taller pressed his lips against Changkyun's to shut him up. Changkyun was quick to wrap his arms around Jooheon's neck, pulling the latter into a proper kiss.

At some point Jooheon just pulled away from the other and headed to the balcony without saying anything.

He went out, closing the door after himself, and plopped on the nearest chair. No matter how much fun he had, he felt like a bundle of nerves because during the whole day he was trying to make everything perfect and not to fuck up anything. His common sense lied to him that something was going to go wrong but the same thought was also keeping him on edge the whole time.

With a sigh he took out a pack of cigarettes, taking one and pressing it between his lips. He stayed like that for a while until he finally took out a lighter. The same moment he lit it the door to the balcony opened and Jooheon got startled of the unexpected sound, causing him not to light the cigarette but his eyebrow.

" _Oh, fuck_." Changkyun stepped back, totally not expecting that he would've scared Jooheon.

" _Did you just curse?_ " Jooheon looked at the other not as shocked because of his eyebrow but because of what he had just heard.

Changkyun ignored the question and walked to him, kneeling down and taking away the cigarette that was going to fall off from Jooheon's mouth any moment. "Dude, your eyebrow... Half of it is gone... You look ridiculous," he chuckled, knowing Jooheon wasn't going to take it as an offense.

"You were the one who contributed to that," Jooheon pouted, taking his cigarette back.

"And I'm honestly really sorry about it!"

Jooheon just pecked him on the cheek. "I will take care of it don't worry."

They stayed to watch the night sky for a while until Changkyun complained he was cold and they had to go back in.


	19. Chapter 19

Jooheon and Changkyun were just about to go to bed when Changkyun's phone started ringing. The shorter lazily sat up, looking at the device. The moment he saw the name on the display he was suddenly not annoyed that someone was calling him in such a late hour.

Jooheon didn't really try keeping up with the conversation Changkyun was having but he sure looked happy and that was the most important thing.

After five or even ten minutes of talking Changkyun hung up and left his phone to charge again. He lied back next to Jooheon, snuggling into him.

"Who was it?" Jooheon asked.

"My sister." As Changkyun said that a small smile appeared on his face and it could probably be heard in his voice, too.

"You have a sister???" Jooheon raised his eyebrows. The other just nodded. "Is she nice to you?"

"Yeah. She's the best sister I could have. But she used the opportunity to basically _run away_ while our parents were too busy being obsessed with me because I'm younger."

"If you ask me, she saved herself."

Changkyun snorted. "That might be true."

The thought of how only his dad and sister remembered about his birthday saddened him. His mom didn't even care. _She_ was the person who _had_ to remember that the best. But apparently it wasn't that important, he wasn't important.

It didn't matter anyways. It wasn't the first time she "forgot".

Obviously, the only family he had and that cared about him was his dad and his sister. And, of course, Jooheon.

\--

"When you said you're going to take care of this, I didn't suppose you're going to shave from your other eyebrow, too," Changkyun said as he was awkwardly brushing his fingertips against the shaved part of Jooheon's eyebrow.

"They will eventually grow back. At least it will happen evenly." Jooheon grabbed Changkyun's hand, so he stopped bothering what was left from his eyebrow. "Honestly, I hope they're back to normal soon."

Changkyun leaned on the other's shoulder, letting out a deep sigh. "I had no idea I would startle you like that. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Jooheon kissed the top of Changkyun's head.

For a while Changkyun was muttering how Jooheon was wrong and all of that was his fault but it just sounded like a kid that was too sleepy. Then he started complaining about how he was too lazy to get ready but he couldn't go out without make up.

Jooheon just pulled Changkyun on his lap and reached out for the tube of concealer that was previously placed on the nightstand of Changkyun's side of the bed. "You barely turned 17, yet you're complaining like an old man." He started applying the concealer on Changkyun's face carefully.

"Do you even know what you're doing?" Changkyun tried his best to not smile or move, though, it felt ticklish at times. "I feel like you're not putting it eve-- _Jooheon, that's my eye!_ "

"Don't worry, it's as even as it can get." Jooheon pecked the other on the lips to shut him up.

After he was done, Changkyun quickly took a mirror to see if Jooheon really did well. He hadn't even expected that he actually succeeded. It was pretty impressive for a person who applied make up for the first time. He closed his eyes about the fact that there were some missed spots.

"You're good," Changkyun admitted, causing a smirk to appear on Jooheon's lips. "Now. Let's do something about those eyebrows of yours."

"What?"

"I will fix them a bit and fill them in, so it's not that obvious that they're thinner." Jooheon just nodded in response, knowing that Changkyun was able to fix everything.

\--

Minhyuk and Changkyun were sitting in front of a shop, waiting for the others to go out.

They had visited a cave and for some reason everyone was suddenly really interested in crystals and wanted to buy some as a souvenir.

The only thing Minhyuk bought was a small moonstone. Changkyun bought more things but he was quick and managed to get out before the bigger crowd appeared.

The older had his head rested on Minhyuk's shoulder, peacefully looking at a waterfall in the distance.

"How was it yesterday?" Minhyuk asked.

"It was amazing," Changkyun smiled, glancing down at his hands. "I can't even believe that people like Jooheon actually exist. He's really caring."

The blond also smiled. "He makes you happy, right?"

"The happiest."

Before they could say anything else, Hyungwon and Hoseok walked outside of the store with a new pair of matching bracelets.

"Where is Jooheon?" Changkyun asked, lifting his head up from Minhyuk's shoulder.

The both just shrugged. Changkyun rolled his eyes with a sigh and left his things in Minhyuk's lap before going in the small shop again.

He quickly found Jooheon and made his way to him through the crowd. The taller was standing in front of a small necklace section, looking as if he knew what he had to do in theory, but overall had no idea what was happening.

"What are you doing?" Changkyun asked, grabbing Jooheon's hand, low key hoping that no one else would notice.

"I'm trying to choose a necklace for you..." Jooheon said, squeezing Changkyun's hand. "I have no idea why does it take so much time, I chose one for mom almost right away."

Instead of protesting, Changkyun just picked up a necklace with a small blue goldstone. "This one is nice."

"So you want it?" Changkyun nodded. Jooheon slowly let go of his hand and headed to wait in line to pay. The shorter went outside.

Everyone noticed how there was a faint red tint on his cheeks, but they didn't really know if they should question it.

\--

"Jooheon, I'm not feeling well," Changkyun complained as soon as they walked into their hotel room short after dinner. He was feeling like his head was burning. He was sweating a lot but he was also freezing.

The taller pressed the back of his hand against the boy's forehead.

"You lie down, I will go call your teacher," Jooheon said.

"Why?" Changkyun quickly grabbed his wrist before he could go anywhere.

"Everything will be okay, we just have to make sure it's nothing serious." Jooheon kissed Changkyun on the forehead.

He went outside to search for a teacher. He didn't want to worry Changkyun by telling him that he had a really high fever but he also had to do something about it just in case. If it was something more, not just a fever, and it got worse, he would've hardly forgiven himself for not acting on time.

He came back with his and Changkyun's homeroom teachers. Jooheon was surprised that he was still awake because he didn't even seem adequate anymore. He barely got himself to answer anything.

After a few minutes Jooheon's homeroom teacher was already calling a taxi to drive them to the closest hospital.

Only one of the teachers could go, but Jooheon assured them he could go alone with Changkyun and take care of everything. Both teachers didn't want to let him because of his own safety. It took the boy a lot of time convincing them and, surprisingly, they actually allowed him only if he called often.

During the whole way Changkyun was complaining how he was cold and wanted to throw up. He barely stood on his legs and Jooheon had to, most likely, carry him to the hospital.

There were other people at the ER because it was the only working part of the hospital this late, so they had to wait for their turn, sitting on a bench where there weren't many people around. Considering that there were people with much more important problems, they were probably going to wait more.

Changkyun had rested his head in Jooheon's lap, mumbling something from time to time.

"I'm going to die," was one of the things he said. Jooheon knew that fevers sometimes really felt like that, but it still hurt him that Changkyun would even think about that.

"You're not going to die, babe," he said, his voice close to a whisper. He was stroking the boy's hair in an attempt to calm him. "You will be fine in no time."

"Do you promise?" Changkyun looked up at Jooheon.

"I do."


	20. Chapter 20

After a night that seemed endless, Changkyun's temperature finally got lower and he was able to fall asleep. Jooheon was sitting beside him, pressing the back of his hand against the boy's forehead from time to time just in case. He couldn't let himself sleep because someone had to take care of Changkyun.

Even when he went out on the balcony to have a smoke, he was quickly back because he was too worried to leave his best friend alone.

Changkyun's homeroom teacher came to check up on him two times - one before breakfast and one before heading outside with all the classes.

"He will have to stay here during the day," the teacher said, checking if Changkyun's temperature was rising.

"I will stay with him," Jooheon said, not really expecting from her to try changing his mind this time. "Later I will call his parents if he continues not feeling well."

The teacher nodded, picking up the bag she had left on the bed. "Take care of him." She walked outside after Jooheon gave her a nod.

The two boys were left alone in the hotel. It would be much better if Changkyun wasn't ill but they currently couldn't do anything about it.

When Changkyun managed to wake up, he moved between Jooheon's legs to lie on top of him, his head rested on the other's chest.

"Please, don't tell mom," Changkyun whispered. "She  will yell at me if she finds out." He weakly wrapped his arms around Jooheon's waist. "I'm scared when she yells at me," he weeped. He barely suppressed his tears.

Apparently, he was much more vulnerable when he was sick. It was the first time Jooheon saw him like that. Even when he was crying, he had never spilled that much from himself. His hazed mind was speaking all those things he usually wouldn't voice out and it probably gave Jooheon some sort of an advantage because he was getting to know better how Changkyun felt about his mother.

"Would your dad yell at you if I told him?" Jooheon asked.

"No," Changkyun murmured after thinking for a while. He didn't sound very sure. "But I don't want to worry him."

"But he is your parent and he is the only one who can decide if you should go home or stay here."

"I want to stay here with you." Changkyun was already crying for real. Jooheon lifted his chin. He brushed his thumbs against the boy's cheeks, partly wiping away his tears. "I don't want to go home," his voice cracked, making his last words less audible.

"I'm really sorry," Jooheon said. "I don't want to let you go there. I know how much you hate it. But we don't have any other choice. I can't just leave you here while you're sick and pretend I don't care."

Changkyun's sobbing was only getting louder. Jooheon had no idea what his parents had done for him to be _that_ scared. He was probably afraid of finding out.

It took the shorter a lot of time to calm down. At some point he had started hyperventilating in attempt to stop crying, causing his head to hurt much more. When he finally calmed down and his panic attack slowly faded away, he was just lying on Jooheon peacefully, sniffling from time to time.

The soothing sound of Jooheon's voice was helping him a lot.

"Jooheon, please, promise me," he spoke quietly. "Promise me you won't tell them."

"I won't tell." Jooheon combed Changkyun's bangs backwards, so they weren't getting in his eyes. "I will just stay here and take care of you."

"I love you," Changkyun's voice cracked again as he felt a new row of tears ready to overflow from his eyes.

Jooheon kissed him on the forehead. "Love you, too."

\--

While Changkyun was taking a shower, Jooheon was on the balcony, finally being able to smoke in some peace, knowing that he already didn't have to worry as much as he did.

He was able to let go of some of the pressure and stress that had gathered up on his shoulders.

He closed his eyes, feeling how the smoke filled his lungs seconds before he exhaled it, replaced by the fresh air that was surrounding him. He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and his index finger as he sighed.

When he was done, he dumped the filter away and walked back in, seeing Changkyun wrapped in a bath robe and playing something on his phone. He clicked his tongue and walked to the shorter, kneeling between his legs. He cupped his cheek with one hand and lifted his head up a bit so he was facing him.

"Are you feeling better?"

Changkyun nodded lightly. "A bit. The shower kind of did its magic."

"Good," Jooheon smiled. "Get dressed so you don't catch a cold and get worse. Okay?"

"Okay," the shorter smiled back, leaning in to kiss Jooheon.

Before getting too carried away, Changkyun got up and picked some clothes from his suitcase, going to the bathroom afterwards. He was back in no time and sat in Jooheon's lap, continuing to play on his phone while the taller was drying his hair with a towel.

"Can I see your cuts?" Jooheon asked after he remembered that he promised himself to check up on the boy from time to time. Changkyun just lifted his T-shirt up, revealing the already healed cuts on both sides of his hips. He pulled his shirt down after Jooheon hugged him from behind, pulling him closer. "I'm so proud of you."

The shorter smiled, blushing a bit. "Now that I've stopped cutting, you will stop smoking."

"I'm already trying to."

" _Suuure._ "

"You're supposed to be sick, not sassy," Jooheon snorted.

"Is that so?" Changkyun turned to him with a grin. He placed a quick peck on Jooheon's cheek before focusing back on his game.

\--

Minhyuk went to Jooheon and Changkyun's room when they were back from what everyone wished was a short trip. Though his legs were killing him, he felt obligated to see the two boys. Jooheon preferred to leave them alone.

"How are you, Changkyunnie?" Minhyuk asked the shorter while hugging him. "Are you feeling better?"

"I'm suffocating," Changkyun barely said.

"Shhh, it's okay," Minhyuk continued talking, not realizing that he himself was the reason Changkyun was suffocating. He pressed his lips against Changkyun's forehead and pulled away short after. "You've still got a somewhat high temperature, but it will go away when you get enough sleep."

"Minhyuk," Changkyun said, already feeling a bit uncomfortable from getting squished so much by the other.

"Don't try telling me otherwise, sleep does wonders," the blonde said as if he didn't hear Changkyun.

"Minhyuk," the older repeated, a bit louder this time.

"What?" Minhyuk looked down at him.

"Could you let go of me?

"Oh. Yes," Minhyuk backed away a bit. "Sorry."

They were talking for a while until they went to Hyungwon and Hoseok's room where everyone else was.

"Are you feeling better, Changkyun?" Hyungwon asked the moment Changkyun walked in.

"Maybe," Changkyun mumbled. He walked over to the bed and sat on one of the corners, focusing his attention to the TV that was on, not hearing Hoseok saying "we missed you".

"Who wants to play Monopoly?" Minhyuk's voice managed to distract him from the show.

As a person who had never played it, but had heard that it ruined families, friendships and it was basically created by Satan himself, Changkyun wasn't sure if he wanted to play. On the other hand, he  didn't want to just sit aside and watch them.

He moved on the floor with the others, who were ready to start the game.


	21. Chapter 21

"I can't believe," Minhyuk gasped as his jaw dropped. "He did _that_."

Changkyun was leaning his back against the bed, a smirk written all over his face. Somehow he had beaten everyone in Monopoly and even started a fight between Hyunwoo and Minhyuk.

"It's beginner's luck," Hoseok jeered, crossing his arms above his chest while eyeing Changkyun.

"Want to play again so I prove you wrong?" Changkyun's grin grew even bigger.

"No!" Jooheon suddenly jumped up. "Let's not play that ever again. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo almost broke up because you're a little demon."

Changkyun reached out to take a pillow from the bed and threw it towards Jooheon. The latter managed to catch it, unfortunately. "You're just mad because you're a loser."

"If you don't stop, in the end we will have two split couples. I won't be able to handle that," Hyungwon said, pretending he was sobbing, so it sounded more dramatic. He sure did draw everyone's attention to himself but he soon realized it was in a rather more negative way. From the others it was mostly just confused looks. Meanwhile, Changkyun had a frown on his face and Hyungwon couldn't even read Jooheon's expression.

"We are _not_ a couple," Jooheon and Changkyun said together.

"Okay then... How should I say it?..." Hyungwon put his hand over his chin, pretending he was brushing his invisible beard while thinking. "A pair?" The two boys didn't really know in what way he said it, so they shrugged after looking at each other. "It's just that you're together all the time and never leave each other's side? And it's always just the two of you no matter what and you don't need anyone else."

He was trying his best to imply that he meant to say that the both of them liked each other without actually saying those exact words because he didn't know if he would've caused a problem that way. By the looks of it, Jooheon was aware, but he wasn't as sure for Changkyun. _Getting them together was not going to be as easy as it was with Minhyuk and Hyunwoo_ , both Hyungwon and Hoseok thought. And probably even Minhyuk.

"But what do I know?" Hyungwon said with an airy chuckle, trying to dodge the awkwardness. "It's probably because you've been friends for longer time than anyone else here and you're used to each other."

Already feeling a bit uncomfortable because of all of the looks he was receiving, Changkyun wanted to go back to his room. He slowly got up and walked over to Jooheon.

"Can I have the key?" He whispered into the taller's ear.

Jooheon just took it out from his pocket and handed it to him. He gave a light pat on the boy's back. "Are you not feeling well again?"

"I'm fine." Changkyun went outside, heading to his room.

"Did I say something wrong?" Hyungwon asked after he was sure there was no chance of Changkyun hearing him.

"No, but don't do that again," Jooheon sighed. "There are some things that are better if you stay away from and that subject is definitely one of them."

"But you like him, right?" Hoseok joined.

"Why don't you mind your own business, Hoseokkie?" Jooheon smiled at the other.

"So you do?"

At this point Jooheon was already wishing that he could kill people just by looking at them. "Yes, Hoseok, I like Changkyun. Would you shut up now?"

It was quickly decided that they were going to change the topic before anyone (Hoseok) would actually get killed. Jooheon was quite tense the whole time because he had confessed his love for Changkyun to someone who _wasn't_ Changkyun. And it was really unsettling that even without telling the others, they already knew.

At some point all of them went down for dinner except for Jooheon who had to go and call Changkyun.

"I'm not hungry..." Changkyun mumbled as soon as he opened the door and saw his friend. When he was about to close again to avoid getting scolded for not eating, Jooheon walked in.

The younger leaned on the wall, pulling Changkyun towards himself by the waist. "You're not hungry or you don't want to be around the others?"

"Maybe both," Changkyun pulled off a really awkward smile as he tried to convince Jooheon that there was nothing wrong with him (this time).

"Do you want me to go and buy cookies for when I come back?" 

"Yes."

"Okay, but give me a kiss first."

Changkyun got on his tip toes and kissed Jooheon on the cheek, receiving a confused stare afterwards. "You will get the rest when I get my cookies." He winked at the taller.

\--

Jooheon sat on the bed next to Changkyun, leaving the pack of cookies beside him. He leaned over him, resting his hands on both sides of the shorter for support. "Will I get my kiss now?"

Changkyun looked up, leaving his phone aside. He wrapped his arms around Jooheon's neck, pulling him into a kiss. All Jooheon needed was just a small peck on the lips or anything near that, but, instead, Changkyun spontaneously decided to deepen the kiss.

Fortunately, Jooheon's consciousness kicked in as soon as he felt Changkyun's tongue against his own lips and he quickly pulled away. "Changkyun, what are you doing?"

The other's face suddenly flushed red as if he had just realized what he was previously doing. "I was just really stressed and had to let go of the pressure..."

"Are you trying to tell me kissing me is like a stress relief for you?" Jooheon smirked when Changkyun gave him a small shy nod. "Did something happen while I was gone?"

"No. I was just overthinking and at some point it was just too much..."

Jooheon moved over to his side of the bed and lied down next to Changkyun. He was mentally counting to ten while trying to think of a way to put what he wanted to say.

"Should we stop this?" He just asked bluntly. "We are already starting to get too carried away."

Nothing but a sigh escaped Changkyun's mouth.

Hyungwon mentioning how their relationship looked from a third person's point of view and him assuming that they were dating already spoke enough about how wrong it was to keep going like that.

"We probably should."

Opposite of their words, they were holding hands, their fingers entwined.

Stopping all of this seemed pretty impossible since they were so connected to each other. They were used to occasional touching.

Jooheon couldn't even imagine lasting a whole day without hugging Changkyun or at least holding his hand. Weekends were already enough of a difficulty.

It was so much different from the beginning when they were barely talking to each other. He had never even supposed he would fall so hard for a classmate who he just found interesting.

There was no way he wasn't glad to be the only person Changkyun ever opened up to, but the kind of friendship they had was slowly destroying both of them.

"If my parents ever find out about everything that we have been doing, I'd probably be sent away from you," Changkyun said. "Maybe it's because of their hopes that I will find a girl and marry her. It's bullshit if you ask me, but I don't really get a say in all of this as always."

"If my dad finds out," Jooheon started, already knowing the worst case scenario, "it would literally be like standing in a cage with lions and ask them to not eat me."

"Are you for real?" Changkyun looked at the taller, his grip on his hand getting tighter. "He would kill you?"

"Yeah. He would really do that. For him it would be better to be in prison for killing someone than having a gay son or at least one who has had any relations of that sort with other boys."

Just the thought of Jooheon not being around made Changkyun tear up. "I hope he never finds out because I won't be able to survive without you." Tears started streaming down his cheeks as he thought more about it.

For his big surprise, Jooheon's eyes were also full of tears but he couldn't get himself to look back at Changkyun.

The shorter moved closer, snuggling into the other. "I don't want any of this to end," Changkyun murmured into the soft fabric of Jooheon's shirt.

"It's for our own good. After this camp everything will be over. I hope you also realize it."

"It's your fault. You started this."

"And you played along," Jooheon raised his voice a bit. "It's probably your fault, too, but why not blame me--"

"Can I kiss you again?" Changkyun interrupted.

"What?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes..."


	22. Chapter 22

No one was really sure if it was okay for Changkyun to go out just a day later, but he had insisted on being with the others. He felt guilty for keeping Jooheon in the hotel for a second day when he could be having fun with everyone else. It was decided at the very last moment and Jooheon wanted to stop him, but Changkyun was too stubborn to take "no" as an answer.

They were sitting on a bench, taking a rest from too much walking. Changkyun had a cat in his lap and was rubbing its belly.

"I really want a pet," he pouted, grabbing the cats paws in his hands, gently playing with them as if it was making a cute little dance. "Just look at her! She's so pretty and fluffy... The smallest princess."

Jooheon also started petting the cat as he rested his head on Changkyun's shoulder. "You want one but your mom doesn't allow it?"

"Oh, don't even mention anything about pets in front of her," Changkyun rolled his eyes. "She will go insane."

"As if she isn't insane already."

The shorter elbowed Jooheon's arm lightly. "Don't talk like that! She is my mom, after all."

Jooheon couldn't help but laugh at him. "You are already defending her, but just yesterday you were crying because of the way she treats you."

Changkyun preferred to remain quiet.

Soon Minhyuk appeared out of nowhere and for some reason the cat suddenly got scared and ran away. He handed Jooheon and Changkyun boxes of orange juice that he had bought from a nearby convenience store.

"There's this really cool shop for office supplies," he informed after he took a sip from his juice. "I bought the same pen in five different colors because I couldn't choose only one..."

Knowing Minhyuk's strange obsession with office and art supplies, Changkyun and Jooheon could only feel concerned about the amount of money the blonde had left after leaving that shop.

"I wonder how did you not rob the store," Jooheon teased.

"Listen, I would have! But Hyunwoo didn't let me."

"Of course I wouldn't let you," Hyunwoo's voice sounded behind Minhyuk, not managing to startle the latter.

"Speak of the devil," Minhyuk turned to his boyfriend and placed a kiss on his jaw. Hyunwoo wrapped his arms around Minhyuk's waist firmly and pulled him closer to himself.

Suddenly, Jooheon and Changkyun decided they didn't want to bother the lovebirds, so they got up and went on a walk again.

They had no idea where were they going and were almost sure that they would get lost at some point but that didn't matter as long as they had each other... And as long as their phones had battery... And data so they could check their location...

It was good that Changkyun always took a charger and a power bank with himself or else they weren't going to last long.

"We can't even get lost in peace," Changkyun groaned as he saw Hoseok and Hyungwon wandering together somewhere nearby.

"Pretend you don't see them. I do that all the time and it works."

Though they were quite far away from each other, Hoseok and Hyungwon also noticed Jooheon and Changkyun. Hoseok waved at them and felt like his soul left his body as they just walked past, pretending they didn't notice.

"Jooheon always does that, but I didn't expect it from Changkyun..."  Hoseok said with a frown, dramatically clutching his heart.

Hyungwon thought for a while until it finally clicked in his mind. "Changkyun is Satan in disguise."

"That would explain his behavior while we were playing Monopoly."

"Basically."

\--

Changkyun was sitting on the floor of the hotel room, staring at his empty suitcase.

He had a folded shirt lying on his lap but something was stopping him from putting it in the suitcase. He was holding onto it tightly, trying to convince himself that nothing was going to end like they talked with Jooheon.

It couldn't end. Because they had worked so hard to keep up a normal friendship even though they had so many problems. They had turned into each other's source of happiness. And he really thought that they were actually going to stop being friends. It was just how he understood things by the way Jooheon explained them.

As he thought about how weak and vulnerable he would be if he tried keeping himself away from Jooheon, he suddenly remembered how every summer he traveled.

He was going to be away from Jooheon for the whole summer vacation until school started again. And he could clearly remember what happened last summer. How could he not? He wasn't there to see it happen, he only saw the consequences and felt the lack of communication.

Jooheon, who was previously taking a quick shower, went out of the bathroom. His eyes landed on the boy sitting on the ground with his back against him. Without even looking at his face he knew something was wrong.

He got dressed up as fast as possible and then sat in front of Changkyun after kicking the suitcase aside. He grabbed the boy's hands.

"Talk to me," he said with a soft voice.

"I don't want to go home," Changkyun mumbled. "I want to stay here. And I want you to stay here, too."

"I have to go home, Changkyun. And I'm not saying it only because the camp ends and no one really has any other choice but to go home."

"Yeah, but just imagine... Nevermind that... Just... Listen, I'm just really scared..."

"You're scared?" Changkyun could immediately catch the mocking tone. Jooheon had let go of his hands way too soon. "Do you even know what I have to go through every day? Do you know what real fear is?"

"Jooheon..."

Attempting to avoid the situation was already too late. Changkyun shouldn't had opened his mouth because now Jooheon was getting angry. Him being angry was scarier than everything Changkyun had seen and experienced. And now that he was angry at him he felt in danger.

"Every day I have to live in fear that my father might hurt mom while I'm not around. That I will not be able to protect her when that happens. And every day I have to endure getting hit by him exactly because I tried protecting her or just because he felt like it." He was raising his voice with each sentence and that familiar expression of softness was gone.

"It's why I have to go home," he continued. "But you wouldn't understand because you only care about your mom yelling at you for everything. You should probably wake up and realize that it could've been far worse than that."

It wasn't how Jooheon looked on Changkyun's problems. It wasn't anything near that. Both of them knew that sometimes he would get angry way too fast or for no reason. This time he had completely lost any control over himself and what he said.

He was too angry to stay in the same room with Changkyun for any longer. He got up and started heading to the balcony. Changkyun also got up and tried stopping him, but instead got hit in the face, followed by Jooheon muttering "leave me alone" before stomping outside.

Feeling completely broken, Changkyun sat on the floor again, putting his hand over the place he got hit, staring blankly at the floor. Jooheon hit him way too hard, it was definitely going to leave a bruise. A long lasting one for sure.

Maybe it was too egoistic of him to constantly complain. Maybe he really deserved it. But it still hurt. The physical pain was going to go away soon. The bruise was going to go away soon. He wasn't sure about the mental damage that was caused, though.

He quickly packed his things and stayed there, continuing thinking about what had just happened.

It was long until Jooheon walked back in. And the same fear crawled back in Changkyun, visible in his eyes. Just as he had calmed down a little.

He quickly got up and made a few steps back to not get in the taller's way.

"Changkyun..." Jooheon tried approaching him but Changkyun quickly moved even farther away from him.

"Don't get close to me," the boy's voice cracked. It was like a dead end when he realized that his back was pressed against a wall and couldn't escape in any direction because Jooheon was already too close.

Jooheon reached out to cup Changkyun's cheek, ending up getting his hand slapped away.

"I told you to not get close to me," Changkyun cried out. "Don't even think about touching me again." It was his breaking point. He curled down on the ground, sobbing loudly and wishing for the other to just go away.

"Changkyun, I didn't mean to--"

"Well you fucking did it anyways."

 


	23. Chapter 23

Not wanting to involve anyone else with their problems, Changkyun stayed to sleep with Jooheon. Except the sleeping part at least. Neither of them could fall asleep, both weighted by their own guilt.

They were with their backs against each other. Changkyun was as far away as possible, almost falling off from the edge of the bed, but still keeping his balance somehow. His face still hurt a lot. Therefore, he was scared to go close to Jooheon.

"Can we talk?" Jooheon asked hesitantly.

"Yes."

Jooheon rolled over to the other side. He could barely see Changkyun's silhouette in the dark, but managed to carefully place his hand on Changkyun's waist from the first try. The shorter trembled slightly.

"Please, don't touch me," Changkyun stuttered.

"I won't hurt you."

"I don't trust you..."

The younger dragged his body closer to the other, pressing his forehead against his back. His heart was beating at a really fast pace and he was more than sure he was losing his mind already. It felt like he was losing Changkyun. His love was slowly slipping away in between his fingers and he was unable to do anything about it.

"I didn't mean to yell at you nor say any of the things I did," Jooheon spoke in a whisper. "There's no way I have ever looked on your family issues like that. If it weren't for them, your mental health would have been so much better, you weren't going to starve yourself or push yourself to your limits to impress them. Your fears are reasonable. It's not stupid that you're scared of your parents because you're in your full right to be. If I was you, I'd be scared, too... And I've never seen that as something unimportant. Or else I wouldn't have been trying to help you this whole time."

As expected, he wasn't getting a response.

"I shouldn't have hit you..." He wasn't allowed to cry in a situation like that because it was all his fault. He caused it. But he couldn't hold in his tears anymore.

Only if he kept quiet. Only if he reassured Changkyun there was no reason for him to worry as long as they were together instead of yelling at him and causing him to be even more scared.

He had always known Changkyun was scared of him. The looks the boy gave him from time to time were enough of a proof for that.

"I've always been scared that at some point I will lose control over myself and hurt you... And now that I did, I feel even worse..."

Changkyun ended up turning to Jooheon. He turned on the small lamp on the wall above their bed just so he could look at Jooheon.

The latter gently brushed the tips of his fingers against the already a bit purple area on Changkyun's right cheekbone. "Does it hurt?"

"Obviously," Changkyun said with a frown. Jooheon leaned in placing soft kisses all over Changkyun's cheek, careful to not press too much so he didn't hurt him again. "Stop it," the shorter said with a cold voice.

"I'm sorry I hurt you." More tears were pooling at the edges of Jooheon's eyes. "I love you so much."

"That's not going to fix anything."

"I know. I fucked up so bad that nothing could fix all of this." His words were already getting slurred by his sobs. He couldn't look Changkyun in the eyes anymore. He was ashamed of himself. "You need to find someone who will treat you better. And, most importantly, someone who wouldn't get angry at you and hit you..."

"Jooheon," Changkyun stopped him. "Calm down and listen to me, okay?" He brought his hands up to the taller's cheeks, wiping away his tears with his sleeves. "You were right for a lot of the things you said. If not for all of them. Your family issues are much worse than mine, I can't deny it and I've never tried to. But it's sad that you had to go far enough to yell at me and hit me to make me listen."

"Changkyun--"

"No. It's my fault I was that egoistic. And I'm sorry, too."

A kiss was what made him shut up and finally broke the tension that was between them. It felt so pure and innocent and it managed to voice out all the other things they had to apologize about, already forgiven each other about every single one of those things.

After that Changkyun found himself cuddled up in Jooheon's arms again. Though he was still scared he wanted to believe that he belonged there.

Noticing the lamp along with its too bright lightning were already unnecessary, Jooheon stretched his arm out to switch it off. He kissed Changkyun again before burying his face in the crook of the boy's neck.

Maybe they weren't parting ways after all. At least for now.

Jooheon could only be thankful that even when he was at his worst, Changkyun was quick to forgive him.

"You know," Changkyun suddenly said, "maybe you should hit me more often if that would make me realize things better."

"That's not funny."

"I can feel you're smiling."

"I'm not!"

"Suuure."

\--

The alarm went off, followed by groans that didn't stop until Changkyun finally got up to turn it off. He was hit by the coldness of the morning and quickly jumped back in bed under the duvets where it was so warm and cozy.

"You should pack your things already," Changkyun whispered, running his fingers down Jooheon's arm.

"Later..."

"There won't be any time later." Changkyun kept on looking at Jooheon while caressing his arm and waiting for him to respond. Seemed like he was still half asleep because he was hardly registering anything Changkyun told him. "I will go take a shower. I will help you with packing after that."

Jooheon hummed. "What are you going to do about the bruise?"

"I will take care of that, too," the older smiled, kissing Jooheon on the cheek. He got up and headed to the bathroom. "Make sure you don't fall asleep again," he said before going inside.

The other turned to the other side, of course, falling asleep again as if Changkyun hadn't said anything just a few seconds ago.

\--

Changkyun plopped himself on top of Jooheon causing him to wake up. The younger just cursed at him while rubbing his eyes and adjusting to the lightning.

"It's time to get up," Changkyun said with a gentle voice. "We have to go and have breakfast and then we're leaving."

Jooheon suddenly sat up, almost making Changkyun fall. Luckily, he managed to grab his arms and pull him back on his lap.

"What about packing?" The taller asked, remembering he had to do it earlier and panicking even more when he saw the time.

"It's okay, I took care of everything." Changkyun rested his arms on Jooheon's shoulders, slowly swinging left and right.

"Can't we just skip breakfast and stay here until we have to go?" Jooheon pouted. "I want to spend the next hour with you only without having to see anyone else."

They were running out of time. Changkyun had almost forgotten about that small detail.

He sighed, wrapping himself around the other like a koala.

"I'm not hungry anyways," Changkyun murmured into Jooheon's T-shirt.

"As if you're ever hungry."

"You know me so well." The both snorted.

Jooheon pulled Changkyun down with himself, landing softly on his still warm pillow.

"Thank you for forgiving me," Jooheon whispered.


	24. Chapter 24

"What do you mean we won't move for the next few hours?" A girl questioned in a way that she made the situation look way worse than it actually was.

"There is an avalanche, there is nothing we can do about it," a teacher tried explaining but the girl was just being more and more problematic.

Some people were muttering something about having a camp in a mountain area being a mistake. Minhyuk managed to be happy even in a situation like that. And, surprisingly, he wasn't the only one.

There was this light smile curved on Changkyun's lips. Gratefulness was written all over his face. He was going to spend some extra hours with Jooheon. There was nothing better than that. Life had just decided that he needed to be happier and then there he was.

The two were acting as if nothing had happened just last night. Or they had simply forgotten about it and moved on.

They were sitting at the very back of the bus with Hyunwoo, Minhyuk and Hyungwon. And since there was no place for Hoseok, he had to sit in front of them next to some girl from his class.

"Come on, Hyungwon, can't I sit in your lap again?" Hoseok whined. "You let me when we were on the train."

They were getting so many weird glances. And not only Hoseok and Hyungwon but also the rest of the back seat as if they were animals in the zoo and everyone was studying their behavior.

"No," Hyungwon cut him off. "The circumstances were different."

"Then make Changkyun sit on Jooheon's lap, so I can sit next to you."

He kept on whining until both Changkyun and Jooheon had had enough of it and Changkyun actually sat on the other's lap. They ended up being with their back against the others, watching out through the window and listening to music.

They didn't even notice the chaos that continued happening in the bus because some had already started panicking and teachers couldn't get them to sit on one place and calm down.

Minhyuk was spending most of the time spectating all of the drama that was happening until he noticed how Changkyun and Jooheon were quietly giggling and whispering to each other, their cheeks dusted in pink.

The blonde elbowed Hyunwoo lightly, pointing at the two after getting his boyfriend's attention.

"They're like small puppies," Minhyuk whispered with the brightest smile on his face.

Hyunwoo nodded. "Do you also see how close they are to kissing?" the older pointed out, knowing that he would make Minhyuk happy by paying attention on things like that. "Notice how close they are and they way they are looking at each other."

"Oh, God, you're right." Minhyuk turned to Hyungwon and Hoseok, making them look at Jooheon and Changkyun just as Changkyun leaned in and pecked the other on the lips before comforting his forehead on his shoulder.

No one wanted to bother them, but they could clearly see and admit that they just looked like they belonged to each other. Even if they weren't doing anything that much, it was really obvious.

"How many soulmate quizzes should we give them to make them believe they are meant for each other?" Hoseok whispered.

"Like two," Hyungwon shrugged.

"How many quizzes should I give you so you understand that I can hear everything?" Jooheon turned to them with a low voice.

"Guys, I think he heard us," Minhyuk spoke, pretending Jooheon hadn't said anything.

Changkyun had fallen asleep because he was too tired. Unlike Jooheon he didn't hear anything and Jooheon was more than glad about it.

But the shorter's head suddenly shot up, startling Jooheon a bit. He was pointing at Jooheon and Hyungwon. "Aren't you two supposed to be on the other bus?"

"Shh." Jooheon combed his fingers through the older's raven black hair. "Go back to sleep." Changkyun nodded his head lightly and placed his head on Jooheon's shoulder again, falling back asleep almost right after.

"So that's why I don't see anyone from our class," Hyungwon realized. Hoseok slapped the back of Hyungwon's head, muttering an a bit too loud "idiot".

"It's not my fault," Hyungwon tried defending himself. "I just followed you so I didn't get lost."

\--

In the next hour the bus had already calmed down.

Changkyun was still asleep in Jooheon's arms. The taller was playing with his hair with one hand and was on the boy's phone with his other hand, trying to beat his high score at a game. Changkyun had no clue but he was going to find out very soon.

Hyunwoo was reading a book that he didn't really have time to focus on during the whole camp. Minhyuk was either asleep or most likely trying to climb on Hyunwoo's head and talk to him about literally everything.

Hyungwon and Hoseok were watching Sword Art Online together. For everyone's big surprise they were really quiet. Not that Jooheon had threatened to hit them if they were too loud and woke Changkyun up. Not at all. It was totally _not_ like that.

Jooheon's happiness from beating Changkyun's high score died off after the chat head of someone who he didn't like appeared.

He wasn't jealous. Not at all. But something bothered him when Kihyun was texting Changkyun or when they were around each other.

He had never had anything against Changkyun and Kihyun being good friends. He was more than glad that Changkyun already found it easier to make friends and be comfortable with them. But there was something in Kihyun. Something that just didn't seem right.

Jooheon couldn't go to Changkyun and tell him to not be friends with Kihyun just because he had a bad feeling about it. He also couldn't share his thoughts because Changkyun was probably going to listen to him and lose a friend because of it. He didn't want that. He wanted him to realize what was right for him himself at least once. Even if he ended up being hurt.

Kihyun was just the type who would easily get rumours around himself. Not that Jooheon wasn't like that. A lot of people had a lot of shit to share about him, too, and most times they were adding something that was nothing near to true.

The difference was that with Jooheon there wasn't a thing that Changkyun didn't know. On the other hand, Jooheon was more than sure that just like himself, Changkyun didn't know Kihyun that well either and he was trusting him too easily.

He let go of the thought about Kihyun as soon as he swiped away the chat head and the notification for the message, continuing to play the same game - this time trying to beat his own high score.

After a while Changkyun woke up from his nap.

"Are we still stuck here?" He mumbled, nuzzling his face against Jooheon's chest.

"We moved like... Half a kilometer more. We are probably going to be home in five hours if it keeps going like that." Jooheon pressed his lips against Changkyun's forehead.

"Is that my phone?"

Jooheon hummed."I took it to beat your high score."

"And did you beat it?"

"I did."

The shorter gasped. "How dare!"

"Oh, wait!" Jooheon closed the game, giving the phone to Changkyun. "Kihyun texted you a while ago."

Even though he was bothered by Kihyun, he had no right to stand in the way of their friendship. It was just how things were.

\--

Changkyun's dad came to pick him up. Since Jooheon was going to end up going home alone in the dark, Mr. Lim ended up driving him to his house.

The whole ride was pretty awkward and quiet. At some point Mr. Lim even figured out that it was Jooheon's house where Changkyun went to a sleepover a while ago.

He decided to not say anything until Jooheon went home and Changkyun moved to sit on the passenger seat in the front.

"Did you lie when you said you were going to his house for a project?" Mr. Lim asked, looking at Changkyun with the corner of his eye.

Changkyun was nervously playing with his hands. "If I hadn't lied, you wouldn't have let me go... I just want to have normal friends like the others..."

"Don't lie to me from now on, okay?"

"You can't be treating me like shit my whole life and now suddenly realize you have to be a good parent," Changkyun's voice cracked as he tried choking back his tears. "You just can't..."

Silence followed again. Changkyun knew his dad was sorry and had realized his mistake. But that simply couldn't bring back all those years when he had been as if absent from his life.

"How was the camp?" Mr. Lim asked.

"It was great. I was rushed to the hospital with a high fever at some point, but the rest of it was fine."

"You could have come back home if you didn't feel well."

"I didn't want to."

Probably the boy's honesty was being a sign of him trusting his dad. He just didn't keep quiet and it wasn't weighting down on his shoulders that much anymore.

It even gave off a feeling that his family wasn't only Jooheon anymore.


	25. Chapter 25

Jooheon and Changkyun were sitting in the school's hallway in front of the room Changkyun was going to have a class in. They were a few inches away from each other and the change in the atmosphere between them had already began being obvious.

They hadn't talked during the few days they weren't at school and Changkyun was getting a bit worried by the possibility of Jooheon actually meaning that he was going to _leave_ him. His nerves calmed down when Jooheon walked all the way to his house just to pick him up so they could go to school together.

"Dad kind of figured out I've gone to your house before," Changkyun broke the silence.

The taller looked at Changkyun a bit shocked, though it was expected from Mr. Lim to realize it sooner or later. "What did he do?"

Changkyun shrugged. "Nothing really. But he is trying to compensate for not paying attention to me before." He was looking at the ground with a blank expression on his face.

Jooheon noticed that he had been zoning out a lot that day. They probably hadn't seen each other for more than an hour altogether but it was enough for him to know that there was something.

"What's wrong?" Jooheon asked. He moved closer, resting his hand on Changkyun's shoulder.

"Nothing," the shorter shook his head lightly. "I just haven't been getting enough sleep lately."

"Why?"

"I've been studying my ass off for three days straight and there are some things I still don't quite understand and if I start getting bad grades because of that my parents are probably going to start going after me for that again."

"I can help you," Jooheon suggested with a reassuring smile.

Instead of agreeing to his offer, Changkyun laughed. " _You_? Helping _me_? No, thanks." His laugh gradually became louder. As if he was mocking the other.

Jooheon started feeling stupid and unnecessarily embarrassed. He knew he was nothing near to Changkyun's level of smart. But he wasn't that stupid either. He still got good grades in most subjects.

He just sighed and let go of Changkyun. Maybe he really thought Jooheon was stupid. And Jooheon was completely fine with that. It wasn't like he could get mad at him or anything.

"Then maybe just ask a teacher," he shrugged.

"I might."

Jooheon left a bit before the bell rang. He didn't have any time but he went to one of school's smoking places.

He saw Kihyun there and tried stay away from him, but he realized that wasn't going to happen. Kihyun lit up a cigarette right after dumping one as an excuse to stay there longer.

He walked to Jooheon with a somewhat mischievous look on his face. That moment Jooheon knew that nothing good was going to follow.

"Isn't not attending class a bad thing? Especially if it's to smoke." Kihyun grinned. "I thought you started being a good guy who follows the rules. Guess I was wrong."

"As if you are anything different than me."

"The difference is that you're pretending to be someone who you're not," Kihyun continued annoying the other with his voice as a cloud of smoke was escaping between his lips. "Why are you doing this? Are you pathetic enough to think you can impress Changkyun like that?"

Jooheon rolled his eyes. "I'm not doing it to impress him."

"Sure you aren't," Kihyun laughed. He walked even closer, invading Jooheon's personal space. He ran his index finger against the other's chest slowly, looking up at him. "You know, I've always had my eyes on you, Jooheon. I want you to be my boy for everything. And I really do mean _everything_." His grin grew wider as he saw Jooheon's frown.

"I wouldn't do anything for you." Jooheon glared at Kihyun. Oh, how much he wanted to grab him by the collar, slam him against a wall and beat him until he got tired. He wanted to turn him into his own punching bag. Everything about that guy was so annoying.

He didn't stop grinning. It was driving Jooheon crazy. How was Changkyun even friends with such a nuisance?

"I might just go and tell him about all the things you've done, about the kind of person you are. He wouldn't want to hang out with a person like _that_ , don't you think?"

"He already knows everything," Jooheon smirked. "You have nothing on me. You are just going to make a big deal out of it for absolutely no reason."

Kihyun's finger traced along Jooheon's collar. His hand then slowly ran up to his jawline, his thumb brushing against Jooheon's lower lip. Yet the latter was standing still, waiting to see just how much patience he had until he punched Kihyun.

"Then... I'm going to tell him you like him."

"You wouldn't dare..."

"Really?"

Jooheon bit on his lower lip. Kihyun just brought his cigarette to his lips, waiting to see if he was going to get a response of any kind.

Then he blew smoke to Jooheon's face, patting him on the shoulder firmly, his shit eating grin disappearing from his face. "See you later, boy for everything. Make sure to not disobey me," he said before walking away, dumping his cigarette while heading to school.

The taller just sat down on the nearest staircase he found, letting out a prolonged sigh. Was he really that obvious?

Until then he thought it was fine for the others to know that he had feelings for Changkyun. As long as the "others" were his friends. _Not_ Kihyun.

\--

Jooheon threw his bag aside, plopping down on his bed, his back pressed flat against it.

He hadn't appeared to any of his classes after talking with Kihyun. He didn't even go to see Changkyun in the lunch break. He also promised the boy he would walk him home but he simply forgot.

He was just too lost in his thoughts. He wanted to run away from his problems, to run away from Kihyun.

**changkyun:**   
_Where are you?_

_what?_

**changkyun:**   
_I thought we were supposed to walk together..._

_i forgot... i just went home_   
_sorry_

**changkyun:**   
_Okay._

\--

He started wondering when was Kihyun going to call him, when was this torture going to begin. He didn't even know what he wanted from him to do in general. His smile was giving away enough yet Jooheon could only wonder.

No matter how much he wanted to go to Changkyun, to forget all of his problems, he couldn't just go to him every time he didn't feel well. He had to learn to deal with everything himself again.

Maybe it was better to just tell Changkyun he loved him. That way he would be basically invincible. Yet he couldn't. That was why he was so scared of Kihyun telling Changkyun.

Everything was collapsing. He broke whatever he had with Changkyun. Kihyun appeared. And the only thing he could do was just wait for the day to get worse.

At least his dad was away and he wasn't going to be the reason for it going worse. Or at least he wished.

He got up and went to his mom's room. She was just sitting on her bed, reading a book peacefully, but as she heard the door opening she looked up.

"Mom, can I stay here?" Jooheon asked with a shaky voice.

Mrs. Lee hummed, patting on the empty space of the bed next to herself. Jooheon just waddled to the bed, lying down next to his mom.

She was still reading, running her fingers through Jooheon's hair slowly. "Is there something wrong?" she asked, looking down at him.

"Everything," Jooheon mumbled out. "I'm tired."

Mrs. Lee sighed. She understood him so well. Sometimes she would think about how much it broke her heart that her son had to go through things like that yet he was still sixteen. It was unfair.

"Can't we just move away and start all over again?" He looked up at his mom to see how she would react.

"I wish we could," the edges of her lips slightly curved upwards.

"What's stopping us?"

"I won't be able to offer you a better life."

\--

"Hey," Changkyun greeted as he left his bag somewhere aside and sat next to Jooheon. He rested his head on the latter's shoulder, wrapping his arms around Jooheon's, making himself comfortable. "What are you doing?"

"Searching for a job," Jooheon simply answered. He locked his phone and put it in his pocket. He looked at Changkyun, somehow managing to feel happy. "I just want to help my mom a little bit," he explained.

Changkyun hummed. "Hope you find something," he smiled. He moved a bit so he was now also looking at Jooheon. For a second he felt his heart beating just a tad bit faster.

"You know, not kissing you is so difficult," he breathed out.

"Trust me, not kissing you is even harder," Jooheon snorted.


	26. Chapter 26

Four in the morning. Jooheon was woken up by the sound of his phone ringing. The loud noise was resonating in his ears, making his head hurt even more than it already was.

He was slightly drunk since he had to make his thoughts drown at least for a while. That didn't work, though. It made everything worse. As if he expected anything else. He had only gotten around two hours of sleep. He wasn't even planning on going to school because it just seemed so pointless. He just wanted to sleep the whole day.

He let out a groan as he took his phone.

"Motherfucker," he muttered as he saw that Kihyun was calling him. He didn't even know why he had Kihyun's number in the first place nor why hadn't he put his phone on silent. "What do you want?" He bit out as he picked up.

" _Is this how you're going to greet me_?" Kihyun giggled. " _Anyways, I need some company. I'm feeling quite lonely_..."

"Where do you live?" Jooheon asked with a sigh.

Kihyun sent him his address in a text message. Jooheon didn't really have any other choice. He was scared that if he ever fucked up, Kihyun was going to tell Changkyun.

Why was he even so scared of that anyways? He knew Changkyun wouldn't leave him even if he didn't like him. But maybe, _yeah_ , just the fact that Changkyun didn't like him back was scaring him so much. He was scared of being rejected.

He went to Kihyun's house. At least his parents weren't there, so there was one less thing to worry about.

"I'm glad you came," Kihyun smiled as he tugged at Jooheon's collar and pulled him inside.

"Kihyun," Jooheon said, stopping the shorter who was probably leading him to his bedroom. The latter didn't listen, though. He just kept on pulling him towards to his room. They entered and Kihyun didn't want to listen to anything that Jooheon wanted to say before he made him sit on the bed. "Kihyun, listen to me," Jooheon demanded.

"I'm listening," Kihyun said, the same cheeky smile still curved on his lips.

"I agree on everything you're making me do as long as you don't tell Changkyun that I like him... But there is one thing I'd never do with you. I understand that's the thing you called me for but I won't do it."

Kihyun was looking at him with a serious expression and wide eyes as if he couldn't process in what language was Jooheon talking to him. He suddenly burst into laughter, making Jooheon really confused.

It took the shorter a while until he calmed down. It wasn't even that funny for him as much as it was sad but just the fact that Jooheon was taking a thing like that so seriously was hilarious for him.

He slowly moved over Jooheon's lap, putting his legs on either side of him. He gently caressed Jooheon's cheek before pushing him down on the bed, pinning him under himself. "I wouldn't want a thing like that from you. After all, I know that all you will be imagining is that _dear_ Changkyun of yours." He lifted himself up, his hand running down from Jooheon's cheek to his chest, patting it lightly. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

Jooheon raised an eyebrow at Kihyun. "What should I be ashamed of?"

"Changkyun is so innocent and pure. Don't you think he would be disgusted if he ever found out about the way you look on him?" He leaned against Jooheon again. "He would hate you _so much_ , don't you think?"

The other couldn't think properly at that moment. He usually wouldn't believe Kihyun. But now he wasn't sober enough to think on his own. And suddenly there was so much sense in Kihyun's words. He started feeling bad. Both about himself and Changkyun. It really was disgusting. _He_ was disgusting.

But he didn't even realize that nothing Kihyun said was true. He never wanted such thing from Changkyun. Never felt that kind of attraction towards the boy. So why would he believe a liar when he knew the truth?

"Also," Kihyun spoke again, "I said that I need company because I'm lonely. I never told you that I want to have sex with you. You may not believe it, but sometimes all I need is just to cuddle with someone."

"Who would guess that a person like you needs such kind of affection?" Jooheon snorted. He wrapped his arms around Kihyun, glad that that was the only thing he had to do. Soon he let go of him to take off his shoes and lied down again. Kihyun snuggled into him. "I won't be at school today," Jooheon said, just in case Kihyun was going to want anything from him later on that day.

"Why?"

"I'm kinda drunk."

"Okay, then. I will make sure to not bother you and let you take a rest."

\--

When Jooheon didn't appear in the lunch break, Changkyun was already certain that he wasn't at school. And he was a little bit worried. He left the previous day, now he didn't even bother to show up.

He guessed that something was wrong. It obviously was. But he didn't want to bother Jooheon by calling him or going to his house. He knew that Jooheon was going to tell him what was wrong when he felt the need to. There was no point in pushing it.

The fact that he was left all alone was making him uneasy just as much as the thought of going to someone else, seeking for their company. He couldn't really recall what was he doing in lunch breaks when Jooheon wasn't a part of his life but he was sure that it must have been something really boring such as studying.

He spent the lunch break alone anyways. No one else would want to hang out with him except Jooheon. He could've called Kihyun but he already knew that he was somewhere with friends of his. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk were too busy being in love with each other to spend time with anyone else. Hyungwon and Hoseok were probably practising volleyball somewhere, pretending that they didn't have pretty much obvious crushes on each other. And he didn't really know anyone else.

Before heading to class he wrote a quick text message to Jooheon, telling him that he hoped he felt better soon. Maybe it was going to make Jooheon cheer up a bit when he received it. Currently, he was really confused and didn't have a lot of time to think of any reasons why would Jooheon feel bad.

\--

None of his messages were received. Changkyun was checking his phone every few minutes as if it was going to make any difference. He couldn't get himself to study because the only thing he could think about was Jooheon.

He tried calling him a few times. Once again with no success in reaching him. He was still trying to convince himself that he shouldn't push, that he should leave Jooheon have some time for himself, yet he was acting egoistically again. Because he missed Jooheon. And he wanted to talk with him. He realized how dependant he had become. He craved Jooheon's presence. Along with all the hugs and kisses. It was driving him insane.

When he had had enough of all this, he left his notebooks on his desk, changed his clothes, took a power bank and earphones, disconnected his phone from the charger and headed towards the window. He had never really sneaked out through the window because he was too scared that his parents would catch him while doing so. The moment he scrapped his arm and didn't land so softly, he started wondering how did Jooheon manage to do that all the time.

He decided to walk to Jooheon's house. There wasn't really any transport in that hour, so even if he wasn't intending on going by foot, he wasn't really left with a choice.

The streets were empty to a point that he felt a bit scared. He was listening to music only through one earphone because when he had both in his ears, he started hearing weird sounds everywhere around himself.

As he finally reached the Lees' house, Changkyun checked if the lights in Jooheon's room were on just to make sure he really was there. Fortunately, they were on. Instead of going to the door he went under Jooheon's window. Yelling probably wasn't a good idea, so he just picked up some small rocks from the ground and started throwing them towards the window, managing to hit it most times.

Not long after, Jooheon finally appeared and opened the window. "Changkyun?!" His eyes widened and Changkyun was just smiling at him. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"You don't answer my calls nor my messages and I was really worried," Changkyun pouted.

"Changkyun, go home," Jooheon said with a sigh.

"I've come all the way to here, I'm not going back home."

Jooheon was staring at him for a while, wondering what to do. After another sigh, he tilted his head, gesturing at Changkyun to go to the front door. He closed the window and headed to the door, opening it when he heard a quiet knock.

"You really shouldn't be here," he whispered.

"Yet I am."


	27. Chapter 27

When Changkyun walked into Jooheon's room, he quickly understood why the younger didn't want to let him in and had an expression on his face that gave away how uncomfortable he was.

There were empty bottles scattered around the whole place. The ashtray was overflowing. No. _Two_ ashtrays were overflowing. And Changkyun could even catch the faint smell of weed. (He didn't even know where he had smelled weed before but he knew what it smells like and it wasn't all that pleasant.)

Changkyun sighed, walking over to Jooheon and trying to grab his hand but the only thing Jooheon did was to flinch a little and step away from the other.

"Jooheon, what's wrong?" Changkyun's eyebrows curled upwards. He thought that seeing Jooheon was going to make him feel calmer. But it felt like Jooheon wasn't even "there. Or it was because he obviously wasn't sober. He wasn't sure. He had never dealt with a drunk (and probably high) person. (Jooheon was trying his best to look as sober as he could and for now he was succeeding.)

Even though Jooheon was keeping a distance between them, Changkyun still decided to walk closer to him again. He saw that Jooheon was about to hit him just so he stayed away but Changkyun was quick to grab him by the wrists, keeping his hands close to his chest. He was much weaker than Jooheon but he somehow managed to stop him from hitting and pressed him against a wall.

"What happened to not hitting me again?" Changkyun raised an eyebrow. There was a solid amount of anger in his tone that obviously made Jooheon come back to his senses at least a little.

Jooheon stopped resisting and trying to push the shorter away. "Changkyun, I'm so sorry," he finally let himself break down and allowed Changkyun to come closer. He rested his forehead on Changkyun's shoulder. "I'm sorry I'm trying to push you away... Literally nothing is going well. And I could almost bear it but now Kihyun appeared, too, and he's trying to ruin everything even more. And I feel so disgusted of myself because of him..." As soon as Changkyun let go of his wrists, Jooheon wrapped his arms around the boy's smaller body.

All he could do was cry on his best friend's shoulder, whispering apologies and hoping that Changkyun wasn't mad at him.

Changkyun gently took Jooheon's face in hands and made him look at him. He wiped his tears away and pressed a kiss against the corner of his mouth. "I have nothing to be mad about," he whispered. "Can you tell me why is Kihyun tormenting you?"

Jooheon shook his head, mouthing a "no". "I will tell you... Just... Not now..." He pressed his forehead against Changkyun's, closing his eyes. More and more tears were streaming down his cheeks.

After hugging for a while and Jooheon finally managing to calm down a little, they pulled away from each other. Changkyun helped Jooheon put all the empty bottles on one place. Then he went over to the kitchen to empty the ashtrays. When he was going back to Jooheon's room, he bumped into Jooheon's dad, who had gone out of his room. He stepped back and peeked over to Jooheon's room to see if he was anywhere in sight. The door was open but he couldn't see Jooheon, so he was just left to stare at Mr. Lee, hoping that he didn't get Jooheon into trouble because he was there.

Of course he got him in trouble.

"Who are you?" Mr. Lee growled out with a harsh voice, sending shivers down to the boy's spine.

Changkyun couldn't bring himself to say anything. He was just standing there. Fortunately, Jooheon had heard his father's voice because he quickly rushed out of his room and reached out to grab Changkyun's hand, pulling him to himself.

"Don't bother him," Jooheon said.

"Then fucking get him out of my house before I throw him out myself," Mr. Lee muttered. "I will deal with you later," he said before going to the kitchen.

Jooheon quickly dragged Changkyun in his room. "I told you you shouldn't be here," he whispered.

Changkyun left the ashtrays on Jooheon's table and picked up his jacket from the bed where he had previously left it. Jooheon decided that he was going to go out with him, so he took a bottle of beer and his cigarettes. He then headed to the front door, followed by Changkyun.

When they were out Changkyun looked at Jooheon with sad eyes. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"It's fine," Jooheon smiled reassuringly.

"Do you want to come home with me?"

Jooheon just nodded.

\--

"You've rearranged," Jooheon noticed as soon as he climbed into Changkyun's room with a little bit of help from the latter. Most things had a new place. _Including the bed._ Jooheon had no idea how that happened but he preferred not questioning it. Apparently, Changkyun had his own ways.

"I change the place of things sometimes," Changkyun explained. He took his shoes off and went over to the bed, plopping down on it. Jooheon joined him soon after, leaving the already half empty beer bottle next to the bed.

They were lying on their stomachs, facing each other. Changkyun's hand found its way to Jooheon's face, cupping his cheek.

"What are you going to do during summer?" Changkyun asked, opening his, previously closed, eyes a little.

"Probably follow Kihyun around and do whatever he tells me to," Jooheon said, trying to make it sound like it wasn't that much of a big thing for him, like it was something he was taking lightheartedly.

"So now you're like his boy for everything, huh?"

"Yeah, that's basically _exactly_ what he said," Jooheon sighed.

Changkyun moved even closer to the taller. So close that the tips of their noses were lightly brushing against each other. "Do you owe him for anything or?"

"Nah. He's just an ass and wants to get a use of my situation." The older hummed, closing his eyes again. "I hope I manage to get rid of him soon."

"Me too... You wouldn't have sex with him, right?" Changkyun suddenly asked, a bit awkwardly because it suddenly started bothering him. "I mean... it would be kind of... weird."

"Don't worry about that," Jooheon said, though he wasn't sure what would Kihyun come up with during the summer just so he could ruin everything for him. He wrapped an arm around Changkyun's waist, pulling him into his embrace. "I already told him I wouldn't do anything like that and I really hope he listens to me for at least that."

Changkyun didn't know what else to say. He just cupped Jooheon's other cheek, too, and kissed him softly. Jooheon, on the other hand, pulled away immediately.

"Didn't we agree that we won't do that?" Jooheon raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry," Changkyun let go of the boy, pressing his lips in a thin line from embarrassment. "I won't do it again," he promised.

The taller groaned as he saw how sad Changkyun got because of that. "Let's pretend I was too drunk to know what I was doing and we can make a compromise," he suggested with a smirk, not even letting Changkyun respond in any way before getting a more firm grip on him and kissing him.

As the kiss progressed, Changkyun moved to sit on top of Jooheon. It was as if he couldn't stop kissing him and he didn't know how did he resist not doing that for a few days. But as he thought about it, the previous days he had seen Jooheon for no more than thirty minutes.

He pressed his lips harder against Jooheon's before pulling away. "Don't let Kihyun do this with you, okay?"

Jooheon snorted. "Jealous?"

"A bit..."


	28. Chapter 28

In the middle of the lunch break, Kihyun called Jooheon. This had been happening almost every day for a whole week. He had to leave Changkyun because Kihyun wanted company (and someone to get cigarettes from). Changkyun wanted company, too. He needed it. But he was trying to understand Jooheon's situation even if he didn't actually... _understand_ it. He couldn't sympathize. Maybe he would if he knew Jooheon's situation. Or probably not. Depended on what it was.

He had realized that Jooheon probably thought that he doesn't know what kind of a person Kihyun was and wanted to protect him from finding out. But Changkyun knew perfectly and just thinking about it was making him feel uneasy and a bit worried about Jooheon. Considering how self destructive he was, he didn't need any people like Kihyun around himself. Not that Changkyun wasn't self destructive. He just knew how to control it, unlike Jooheon. He knew how not to fall too deep and not to get influenced by anyone. Mainly thanks to Jooheon, honestly. But he never managed to help Jooheon.

With a sigh, he got up and headed to his next class, deciding to spend the rest of the lunch break in the classroom. But while he was walking, he bumped into Minhyuk, who was also alone.

"Hey, Changkyunnie," Minhyuk smiled.

"Hey," Changkyun smiled back and waved, though a bit awkwardly. "Where's Hyunwoo?

"Ah, he's sick, so I'm left alone to search for friends," the taller laughed lightheartedly. "But, hey, what's going on with Jooheon? I saw him with Kihyun and they looked kind of... close."

Changkyun rolled his eyes. "Don't mention it, they've been like that for over a week."

"But what happened?"

The older sighed and tilted his head, gesturing at Minhyuk for them to go to the rooftop. After they went and sat down, Changkyun had to assure Minhyuk that they were safe even though it was forbidden to go there. He then told him everything about Jooheon and Kihyun. (Except what he didn't know, of course.) Minhyuk quickly figured out what was all of this about.

"I'm getting really jealous when Kihyun goes close to Jooheon," Changkyun sighed for probably the hundredth time that day. "I just... Don't like the thought of Jooheon being affectionate with someone else even if it's forced," he pouted, looking away from Minhyuk.

"Maybe it's because you like him?" Minhyuk tilted his head with a wide smile spreading across his face.

"Don't know," Changkyun shrugged. "Could be. I've been thinking about that, too, but I'm not really sure yet. On the other hand, I can't really imagine myself falling for someone who is not him, so..."

At first, Minhyuk couldn't really process how woke Changkyun was about the whole situation. If it was someone else (like Hyungwon or Jooheon), they would've denied they liked someone, yet Changkyun was really straightforward and said that he had been _thinking_ about it right away without trying to dodge the subject. Minhyuk knew where the boy was coming from. He knew that it was hard realizing and admitting you like someone else. It was even kind of brave.

Considering Changkyun didn't really know what feelings were before Jooheon, it was normal for him to not know exactly what he was feeling. The only thing he was certain about was that even if he didn't _like_ Jooheon now, he was eventually going to end up doing it.

"There is this girl from my class," Changkyun started, looking at Minhyuk again, "that I thought I have a crush on but I wasn't really interested in knowing anything about her or connected to her and I didn't want to talk with her, so I guess that I just thought she's pretty. I'm only interested in Jooheon, I guess."

"Yeah, I understand you." Minhyuk checked the time. "We should go."

Changkyun hummed as he started getting up. They headed to their next classes. Minhyuk told Changkyun to call him whenever Jooheon was with Kihyun, but Changkyun wasn't sure he was going to do it. He was just going to be lonely on the rooftop, hoping that all of this was going to end soon.

\--

It didn't end soon though. Once again Jooheon and Changkyun had grown apart from each even though they were trying to meet every day (except on weekends). Kihyun was purposefully calling Jooheon every single chance the two could be together just to keep them separated. He had kissed Jooheon in front of Changkyun a few times, too. Once again, _completely_ on purpose. He was still acting friends with the boy though. Changkyun was acting, too. This had been going on for months and the end of the school year had come.

Changkyun had an idea - he wanted to take Jooheon on _dates_ regularly so they could compensate the time Jooheon was with Kihyun and catch up with whatever was going on their lives when separated from each other. But he guessed that he was going to start asking Jooheon out after the summer vacation since now he had no choice but wait.

Minhyuk had been telling Jooheon to confess to Changkyun and that that was the only way he could get rid of Kihyun. Yet Jooheon never believed that Changkyun liked him and decided being stubborn, enduring everything. He was almost convinced that Changkyun would even start hating him if he kept going on like that, as if he didn't know Changkyun and how forgiving he was.

It was the night before Changkyun went on the annual family trip. He called Jooheon with a pretext that he needed help with his suitcase, but, in all honesty, he just wanted to be next to him, to feel his scent, and to know that he's there.

"I haven't told you that I love you in months," Changkyun mentioned, looking at Jooheon with his lips spreading into a warm smile. "But never forget that I really do, okay?"

Jooheon smiled back. "I won't." He leaned closer, kissing Changkyun softly, finally realizing how much he missed kissing him during those few months that seemed like eternity. This time he allowed himself doing it because he wasn't going to see his boy for the entire vacation and it was making him sad. "I will miss you a lot," he whispered before kissing Changkyun again.

Changkyun currently felt himself really weak under Jooheon's touch and he couldn't really respond in any adequate way. He was just looking at him, a bit dazed. He could only think about how beautiful Jooheon looked and as if he had never seen on him as _that_ beautiful or special or anything like that, yet now he was there, completely taken aback.

He brushed his fingers against Jooheon's face, enjoying how soft his skin was. He had no idea how did Jooheon manage to not take any special care of his skin and still have it looking so perfect. (He was still very worried about his own acne prone skin but at least his make up skills were getting much better.)

He was really jealous. He wanted to be as beautiful as Jooheon. To have clear skin and the same bright smile. He wanted to be as tough as Jooheon, too.

He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Jooheon's body.

"By the way," Changkyun started, "if you're having problems with your dad," it was something they talked about around an hour ago, "I can give you a spare key to the house so you can come here while we're away."

"Do you really trust me enough to give me spare keys?" Jooheon raised an eyebrow though Changkyun couldn't see him.

"Since I'm suggesting it, yes."

Jooheon pecked Changkyun on the lips, wondering what did he do to deserve such a kind human being like Changkyun. It was unreal how good he was to him. And it made Jooheon fall in love even deeper, though he wasn't sure if that was possible already.


	29. Chapter 29

Jooheon's heart started beating faster every time Changkyun called him.

The older promised that he was going to call Jooheon almost every day and he really did which somehow always managed to surprise the latter.

Sometimes Changkyun was doing it in secret, other times while he was with his cousins. He wasn't really bothered by them since a big part of them didn't know Korean (or at least didn't understand most of it) and the ones, who did, weren't like his parents. They were on their phones too much to notice that Changkyun was talking.

Obviously, no one else could be like his parents because _normal_ people just weren't like that.

Sometimes he thought that he should stop including both his parents in this. He was still trying to get used to the fact that his dad was on his side. He wanted to fight his trust issues.

\--

" _Are you with Kihyun?_ " Changkyun asked after he had been talking to Jooheon for a while and noticed that Jooheon was a bit out of breath and heard a voice similar to Kihyun's somewhere in the background a few times.

"Yeah," Jooheon breathed out. He looked down at Kihyun, who was between his legs.

" _What are you two doing?_ "

"Nothing. But whatever it was going to be it definitely would _not_ be something that you would like."

Changkyun thought for a while. At first he was going to hang up and not bother them, letting them do their thing. Then he realized that he was going to be an asshole and interrupt them.

After all, he wanted to keep talking to Jooheon since it was going to be the only time he would hear Jooheon's voice that week. Or they could be two weeks. He had no idea. So he wasn't going to miss that opportunity to talk with him.

" _Could you put your phone on speaker?_ " Changkyun asked.

"A-are you sure?" Jooheon stuttered. After hearing a hum from the other side, he shifted a bit while trying to kick Kihyun away from himself. Kihyun looked really offended about that. Jooheon quickly did as Changkyun told him. "You're on speaker," Jooheon informed.

" _Hey, Kihyun,_ " Changkyun greeted with a genuinely happy tone.

"Hey..." Kihyun answered slightly hesitantly. He was getting a bit nervous all of a sudden.

" _Listen, I know you have something with Jooheon and that you won't survive if you don't have a dick in your mouth every once in a while, I really support that, don't get me wrong, but would you fuck off for a second because I won't be able to talk with him for the next few days and I really want to hear him but currently you're just getting in the way_."

"O-okay..." Kihyun stuttered, his whole face red. He noticed that Jooheon's face was at the same state of shock as his own. "I will leave you two. Take your time. Sorry..."

" _Thank you, Kihyun_."

Kihyun got up and rushed out of the room and Jooheon was left to lie in silence, still quite shocked. He had no idea what just happened. "I've never heard you speak like that," he commented with a breathy laugh.

" _I just got angry,_ " Changkyun laughed.

"I'm quite impressed, honestly." Jooheon pulled up a blanket over himself and snuggled against it. "What are you doing?"

" _Nothing much._ " Changkyun's voice went soft again. " _I will be going out with my cousins in around an hour and now I'm just waiting for them. I got up earlier just to do my make up but they're taking really long and I feel like I put in all this effort for nothing._ "

"Isn't it quite early anyways?"

" _No?_ " Changkyun snorted. " _Ten in the morning is not early._ "

"If there is "in the morning" it's always early, sorry to break it to you."

They both laughed and a feeling of warmth spread inside Jooheon's heart. He clutched at the blanket, wishing that he was with Changkyun in his room. There was no better place than that. Not in the boy's room, of course (even though he quite liked it because it was cozy). But in his arms. He cringed at how cheesy his thoughts were.

They continued talking and that feeling inside Jooheon's chest was only getting worse and he didn't know what to do.

" _Daniel, we're going out,_ " someone in the background suddenly yelled in English, interrupting their conversation.

" _I have to go,_ " Changkyun whispered, ready to hang up.

"Okay, Daniel," Jooheon said in a teasing manner.

" _Oh, shut up._ "

"Call me whenever you can."

" _I will._ "

After Changkyun hung up and Kihyun figured out he did, he walked back into the room, still feeling kind of ashamed of himself.

"Apparently, there is someone who can finally put you at your place," Jooheon mocked as Kihyun lied down.

"If he's saying such things now, can you imagine what's going on inside his head?" Kihyun thought out loud.

Suddenly, Jooheon started thinking about that, too. Kihyun had a point.

Changkyun was used to being quiet, not voicing out what was on his mind, but now that he felt more comfortable, he spoke. He didn't even sound like he cared about how would Kihyun feel when he said that.

It wasn't the first time Changkyun expressed his anger but this time it was in such a strong passive aggressive way that it even scared Jooheon a bit. Seemed like Changkyun wasn't as innocent and vulnerable as he was acting to be. Or he actually was. Currently, Jooheon was really confused and had no idea about anything.

"You have to admit it, though," Kihyun looked at Jooheon, "that was a nice cockblock."

"It really was," Jooheon said, still in deep thought.

"Wanna continue from where we left off?"

"Are you serious?" Jooheon snapped at the other. "I didn't even want to do that in the first place, now you're daring to ask me such questions."

Kihyun raised his hands up in surrender. He pulled the blanket over himself, too, and turned with his back against Jooheon. "Good night," he said.

"Sleep well." Jooheon glanced at Kihyun then also turned with his back against him and looked down at his phone.

Changkyun had sent him a few selfies to show him his make up. He looked flawless.

Jooheon wanted to tell him how beautiful he looked but he knew that Changkyun would get angry, telling him how it was just because of the make up. Jooheon would tell him that without make up he looked even better, yet he knew that Changkyun would still find a way to find something negative in that, along the lines of his make up skills not being good enough.

For Jooheon it didn't even matter if he wore make up or not. It didn't make any difference. Changkyun was beautiful no matter what.

He ended up telling Changkyun that his skills were improving more and more as time passed and, apparently, that was the right thing to say because it made Changkyun really happy, judging by his response.

\--

"Who are you always talking to?" One of Changkyun's cousins questioned as Changkyun checked his phone in case he had new messages from Jooheon. And he really did but he didn't have the opportunity to read them.

By instinct, Changkyun's head immediately shot up and he put his phone back in his pocket just like he did every time his mom was about to catch him being on the phone when he shouldn't be. "A guy from my school."

"Your crush?"

A small smile tugged at the edges of the boy's lips. He looked away, feeling his whole face heating up. "Obviously."

Yeah, he had a crush on Jooheon. A really big one on top of that. It was about time he started accepting that.


	30. Chapter 30

First came the denial, then the acceptance. It was how it usually worked with people when realizing they had a crush on their best friend. But with Changkyun it was the opposite.

He slowly started convincing himself that he didn't like Jooheon, that nothing was ever going to work out between them.

Yes, it was mainly because of his parents' expectations of him to find a girl or to most likely have an arranged marriage. No, he couldn't stand up against them about that. At least not yet.

He had to give up on Jooheon. To tell himself that it was just a short-lived crush that didn't mean anything. Jooheon didn't like him either way. He would never like a person like him, at least that was what Changkyun thought. Because he wasn't one to be liked. Even Kihyun was a better choice than Changkyun, once again according to what Changkyun thought.

He was sad that he had to let go. But, after all, he was happy with Jooheon even when he wasn't aware of his feelings for him. Now it was going to be completely the same except that he knew that he had something for Jooheon.

And maybe the fact that he told his cousin that Jooheon was his crush was a bit of a mistake since he got questioned about it every now and then. Of course, there was no way he could know that things were going to develop in that direction. (Even though it was obvious such thing would happen.)

"How is it going with your crush?" Changkyun's cousin asked as the two were just chilling on the couch in the living room. Changkyun just let out a sigh, hinting that it wasn't going good at all. "Why?"

"I'm trying to give up on him. I don't want to have feelings for him anymore," Changkyun said as quickly as he could, hoping his cousin didn't manage to catch up on his words.

"Talk with me, Daniel," the other boy said, trying to convince him to share more with him. He really wanted Changkyun to trust him and he had hope that he was opening up after all these years. (Or basically their whole lives.)

"My parents don't really agree with the idea of me having a life different than the one they have planned for me." He wad fidgeting with his fingers nervously. "I've never mentioned anything about this and I always pretend my life is great when I'm with all of you but ever since I met him I've become more open and started talking more about this and how I feel in general. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have any friends and right now we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd still be stuck up."

"So he changed you in a good way?" His cousin assumed, noticing how Changkyun was smiling as he was talking about Jooheon. He had never seen him smile like that except for when he was staring at his phone, reading messages from Jooheon.

"He did," Changkyun smiled even wider.

"Then I think you shouldn't give up on him even if your parents are like that. I mean, I've seen the way your mom treats you when she thinks there is no one around. I don't think someone like that can control your life."

Changkyun just hummed, closing his eyes. He was sure that every single one of his relatives has seen his mom hit him or yell at him. It wasn't surprising him at all. Less have seen his dad doing the same but that was fine, too.

Sharing things with his cousin was really a mistake, he was opening up way too much. But at least he really understood what people meant when they said that sharing with someone close made you feel better. He wasn't used to sharing with anyone but Jooheon and sometimes Minhyuk or Kihyun. When he shared with an actual family member it felt... different.

\--

Lately Jooheon wasn't able to reply to Changkyun's messages because of Kihyun and his family problems.

He was kind of glad that Kihyun was around to distract him from all the things that were happening at his house. He still couldn't get himself to be satisfied by the shorter's presence but at least he wasn't made to stay at home all the time.

But one day he had to.

He walked home to his mom crying in her bedroom. There were broken things all over the ground in the hallway, the kitchen, even her room. His dad was in his own room. Jooheon didn't bother him, there was no point in dealing with him. He just went to his mom's room right away, closing the door behind himself.

"Mom, what's wrong?" He rushed to her bed and sat next to her, wrapping his arms around her.

She didn't answer. But Jooheon figured out that his father hit her. That hadn't happened in so many years that Jooheon was calm that it wouldn't happen ever again. Yet it did and he blamed himself for letting it happen.

"Mom, pack your bags. Quick."

Mrs. Lee looked up at Jooheon. "What are you saying?"

"I'm taking you out of here." Jooheon didn't even give any more explanations, he just took a bag from his own room and started helping his mom take the most important things she needed.

After they were done packing five minutes later they were already outside.

"Jooheon, where are we going?!" Mrs. Lee asked as Jooheon was calling a taxi.

"Wherever we are going, it's somewhere safe." He grabbed her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

\--

"Changkyun," Jooheon spoke fast as the boy picked up."

" _Jooheon, it's 1am--_ " Changkyun whined with a sleepy voice.

"Changkyun, please, listen to me."

" _Okay..._ "

"Please, tell me what's the security code of your house because we can't get in without this thing going off and I really don't want to get into trouble with your parents."

" _We?_ " Changkyun repeated.

"I'm with mom," Jooheon explained, suddenly not speaking in a hurry. "Dad hit her and I don't want her to be around him."

Changkyun sighed. " _The code is just four 5's_."

"Are you for real?" Jooheon let out a laugh as he was unlocking the door to Changkyun's house, leading his mom in afterwards. He typed in the code and was really surprised that people like Changkyun's parents would put something that simple as their _security_ code. "Thank you so much, Changkyun. I'm sorry I had to wake you up."

" _It's okay_ ," Changkyun said while yawning. " _Good night, Jooheon_."

"Good night, Changkyun."

" _I love you_ ," Changkyun whispered before hanging up, secretly hoping that Jooheon didn't hear.

Jooheon heard it and that made him feel better. He needed to hear such thing in a situation like that.

He went to the living room where his mom was. She was just standing at the doorway, looking around.

"Come on," Jooheon said, leading her to the couch and making her sit. "Did you calm down a bit?" She nodded. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you from him. You should've called me..."

"I didn't have time to reach my phone," Mrs. Lee sobbed.

Jooheon let out a long sigh. He had no idea what to do. He was angry. Furious even.

After he made sure that his mom was okay he took her to Changkyun's room so there wasn't much evidence that they were in the house. Changkyun's parents didn't go to his room a lot anyways. They would never notice.

"You will have to stay here for a few days," Jooheon said.

"What about you?"

"I will stay here with you," Jooheon smiled.


	31. Chapter 31

Kihyun chose the wrong time to call Jooheon.

It was always the wrong time but this one was probably the worst so far.

Jooheon didn't mean to get mad at Kihyun, he had to consider what could happen if he let it all out on him. Yet the moment he saw Kihyun's name appearing on his screen, he lost any control over himself just because he knew what was the guy calling him for. He was trying to be calm for so long because his mom was around but now he just stormed out of Changkyun's house just so he could talk with Kihyun without being concerned that his mom was going to hear.

"What do you want?" Jooheon growled out.

" _Woah, there_ ," Kihyun let out a laugh, completely not suspecting that there was actually something wrong. He just thought Jooheon was grumpy, nothing else. " _I thought you stopped greeting me like that._ "

"Kihyun, I'm literally having none of your bullshit right now. Just tell me what you want."

" _Come over._ "

"Good that you think that I'm going to provide you the company you need but that's not gonna happen," Jooheon snapped. "You know what I really _hate_ about you?" He didn't even wait for Kihyun to answer before he continued talking. "You always call me when it's convenient for you - your parents are not home, you're bored, everyone else cut you off, you don't have cigarettes, you don't have anyone to smoke with, you need some company in general. And you think that you will have all of this coming at your hands right away just because I am _obligated_ to do it. But you know, some people have to keep up with their own lives, too."

" _Jooheon--_ "

"And, honestly, I don't even care if you're going to tell Changkyun everything just because I thought that my family problems are much more important than a stupid brat like you and I didn't show up _once_."

When Jooheon realized that Kihyun noticed the way too obvious crack in his voice, he just sighed and sat at the edge of the sidewalk in front of Changkyun's house, looking around in case there was anyone around who happened to hear his outburst. "Kihyun, could you just leave me alone for a while? I'm really not able to deal with you right now."

" _Okay,_ " Kihyun said, his voice soft. " _I'm sorry._ " Kihyun hung up but just a moment later, he called Jooheon a second time. " _Could you give me your address?_ "

"I'm at Changkyun's house."

" _Okay. I will be there in around fifteen minutes._ "

Before Jooheon could tell him not to come over, Kihyun had already hung up again. _Such a burden_ , he thought. He made it more than clear that he didn't want Kihyun around.

Of course Kihyun would know where Changkyun lived. What made Jooheon a bit puzzled was why would Kihyun want to come over.

It wasn't like Kihyun cared or anything. Or at least that was what Jooheon thought at first and wanted to strongly believe. But as he thought more about it, most times he had a problem Kihyun would be there, trying to comfort him. Pretty ironic because one of Jooheon's current problems was exactly Kihyun.

He lit up a cigarette while waiting for Kihyun. It was getting dark and he really wanted to watch the already fading sunset with Changkyun, to talk with him and to be wrapped in his arms where he believed that he belonged. The thirteen hours difference between them was killing him. He missed him more than anything else and just wanted to spend his days with him again.

Soon, Kihyun appeared. He sat next to Jooheon and grabbed his hand, entwining their fingers. "Can you tell me what happened?" He asked almost right away.

Jooheon could see it in the shorter's eyes - he was genuinely concerned and wanted to help.

"Dad hit my mom and I had to get her out of home," Jooheon simply explained, not wanting to reveal more than that. He didn't want Kihyun to know about his family problems. During those few months they had never shared many personal things about themselves, basically didn't know each other all that much. And Jooheon's family problems were way too personal.

"Is she okay?" Kihyun moved closer to Jooheon.

"I don't think so... She's trying to look calm in front of me, though."

"Let's go inside then. We can't leave her alone." Kihyun smiled at Jooheon as the latter threw him a confused and a bit surprised expression. He squeezed his hand reassuringly.

Just when they got up, Jooheon noticed that Kihyun brought a backpack with himself. "What's in there?" He questioned.

"I brought tea and food. I considered that you wouldn't want to leave any evidence that you were here. I mean, Changkyun's parents don't know, right?"

"They don't," Jooheon mumbled, looking down at their still linked hands. He wished he was holding Changkyun's hand instead of Kihyun's.

The only thing Jooheon wanted to ask was why was Kihyun being like that. Maybe Kihyun had a hidden side. There was no way he could know but he was also not that interested in finding out, he was just impressed that Kihyun could be a good person every now and then.

Kihyun didn't let Jooheon go to Changkyun's room while he was there with his mom. He was talking with Mrs. Lee for around an hour and a half, only going out of the room a few times just to get water and more food from his backpack that he had left with Jooheon. The third time he went out, Jooheon stopped him in the kitchen. "What's going on?" He asked with his eyebrows raised in worry.

"It's probably nothing new for you but she's not handling it well. She's mostly upset because she can't handle situations like that in general. And she's really scared." Kihyun pursed his lips, wondering what else to say. "I just know what to tell her because this happens a lot when both my parents are at home and..." He looked away, internally cursing at himself. "Nevermind." He went back to Changkyun's room and not long after he went home without even saying a goodbye, leaving Jooheon on his own again.

With a sigh, Jooheon went to his mom, curling up on the bed next to her. Every time she was nervous she would always play with Jooheon's hair and it seemed to calm the both of them. It helped them fall asleep.

\--

It was around midnight when Jooheon woke up. He checked his phone. His notifications were full of Changkyun apologizing that he was too sleepy to realize what was actually happening and that he just went back to sleep instead of staying awake and talking with Jooheon. The smallest smile appeared on Jooheon's lips. He was so lucky to have Changkyun in his life.

Jooheon just asked him if he slept well and if he had gotten enough sleep. Unfortunately, Changkyun wasn't online, so Jooheon left his phone aside.

The bed felt much colder when Changkyun wasn't around. It wasn't all that soft either. _There's one more month_ , he was repeating to himself. One more month until Changkyun was back and they could sleep together again. He also had one month to build up enough courage to confess to Changkyun and finally be honest with him. (It was also a great opportunity to get rid of Kihyun.)

He just needed some motivation. Until then absolutely nothing was motivating him to talk about his feelings for Changkyun just because of his intrusive thoughts but he was more than ready to change that. He didn't care about what would others, even his dad, say. He _wanted_ Changkyun to know.


	32. Chapter 32

Changkyun let out a high pitched squeaky noise as he saw Jooheon. He ran to him and basically crashed into him as he wrapped his arms around his neck, hugging him tight. Jooheon lifted him by his legs so Changkyun could wrap them around his waist and held him like that.

"Welcome back," Jooheon whispered before pecking Changkyun on the lips. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too." Changkyun nuzzled his nose against Jooheon's cheek.

After Jooheon let him down again, he realized something. "You've grown almost as tall as me," he gasped. A smile curved on his lips. He felt really proud for some reason.

During the summer Changkyun had gotten taller and his voice was a bit deeper but Jooheon was already used to the changes in the boy's voice since they heard each other on the phone kind of often.

"And you're lot more skinnier," Jooheon completed, his smile turning into a really sad pout. Worry was growing in him as he started wondering how much did Changkyun eat while he was abroad.

Changkyun let out a sigh as he cupped Jooheon's cheeks. He had completely forgotten what it is like to have someone next to him that is worried all the time about literally everything they found to worry about. But that was one of the reasons he loved Jooheon so much. He cared for him more than anyone ever did. "Jooheon, I'm fine."

The younger's eyebrows furrowed. "You weren't fine when you were too scared to go to the hospital and they diagnosed you, do you really want to go through that again?"

"No..." Changkyun's hands moved down to Jooheon's chest. He was fumbling with the fabric, feeling a bit too guilty and embarrassed to look up at Jooheon. "I'm sorry. I will try to fix this again, I promise."

"Do I have to be with you all the time so I make sure you're taking proper care of yourself?"

"That sounds nice, actually," Changkyun grinned. "Especially the part where you're around all the time."

"What about the other part?"

"Didn't hear it!"

"Changkyun..."

The shorter started giggling loudly. He rested his forehead against Jooheon's collarbone and closed his eyes. He didn't even have an idea of how much Jooheon missed that laugh of his.

\--

"Hasn't your hair grown a bit too long already?" Jooheon pointed out, looking at the dried and burned ends that were just screaming to be cut off as soon as possible. He grabbed a strand and started playing with it.

"I guess so..." Changkyun said after thinking for a while. "A while ago I talked with my mom and she said that I can bleach it but I also want to start taking more care of it..."

"You're burning it too much with the straightener already. But you know," Jooheon moved his hand to cup Changkyun's cheek, his fingers still tangled in the boy's hair, "I think you would look amazing."

"Really?" The look Changkyun gave Jooheon was so adorable, Jooheon just couldn't help but want to kiss him really hard.

"Well, you look amazing most of the time."

"And when do I not?" Changkyun frowned.

"When you're getting angry at me for no reason."

"Oh..."

Jooheon smiled and brought his other hand to Changkyun's face, pulling him into a kiss. Changkyun hummed softly, closing his eyes as he got immersed into the kiss.

They had barely even started when Changkyun heard a knock on his door. He pulled away and looked at Jooheon, his eyes wide. Even though there was no one else in the house, Changkyun always had his door locked just in case. But now that there was someone and neither of them had heard them walking into the house they were both panicking a lot.

It didn't take them a lot of time until they came back to their senses and got up. Changkyun made Jooheon go hide in the closet. When he made sure everything was fine and there was no sign of Jooheon being there, he unlocked and opened the door. His mom was standing before him. She didn't seem angry so she was probably not going to yell at him for anything.

"Do you have the list of the books you will need for school?" She asked suspiciously calmly.

"Yes," Changkyun said before rushing to his desk and going back with a notepad where he had written down what he needed for school. "Here," he pointed at it. He had even put the prices of all of them. He always did that so he had an idea how much they would approximately cost in total.

She took the notepad to take a look. Letting out a sigh, she gave it back to Changkyun a minute later. It was a bit more than the family could currently afford but they were going to handle it somehow. "Do you want to go buy them today?"

Changkyun was so conflicted. That didn't sound like his mom at all. But he guessed that he should be thankful that for once they're having a rather normal conversation. Even though it was about school. It was never about anything else anyways.

"Can I just have some time to get ready?"

"Sure." Mrs. Lim took a look at the time on her phone. "Be ready in an hour, okay?"

"Yes," he agreed with a nod. A thought about how if he had only nodded she would yell at him passed his mind. He had always been taught to speak up even if it was just an answer as simple as "yes" or "no". They told him it was well-mannered to answer with words rather than with head gestures. Which was actually true. But as if he didn't care about manners that much when he was with Jooheon and got more used to using gestures.

After she walked away, Changkyun closed the door to his room and let out a really long sigh of relief. Just then he realized that his room smelled a bit like cigarettes because of Jooheon. Good thing that his mom didn't notice. He cringed lightly before walking to the window to open it wide, immediately feeling fresh air blowing to his face. Then he went to the closet. When he opened it, he didn't see Jooheon at first. He had sat down on the ground, playing on his phone.

"You can go out now," Changkyun said quietly.

Jooheon immediately looked up at him. He got up and went out of the closet. "I feel like the lover you're hiding from your wife," he giggled. Changkyun placed his hand on his lips, hinting to not make too much noise. "It wasn't like I was eavesdropping but that was a quite normal conversation you had," he remarked. "It was a bit weird."

"Yeah, I found it weird, too..." He walked a few small steps to the closet to search for clothes to put on.

"So you're really ditching me?" Jooheon smirked as he wrapped an arm around Changkyun's shoulders.

"I'm not exactly ditching you," Changkyun turned his head to look at the taller. "After all, you can stay here. And I will eventually come back."

"What if you don't come back?"

"You're talking as if I'm going to die," Changkyun chuckled a bit too loudly.

"Well, I mean, your mom is acting nice. The world is probably ending."

Changkyun averted his gaze back to his clothes, thinking for a while. "Damn, you're right," he finally muttered under his breath. "It was good knowing you, Jooheon," he rested his head on Jooheon's shoulder with a dramatic swoon. "Please, visit my grave seven days a week and take good care of it."

"You just turned me into your personal grave keeper." Jooheon raised an eyebrow.

"Because I know that no one will take better care of my grave than you will," Changkyun grinned before pulling Jooheon into a kiss. "Now help me choose what to wear."

"I wonder how did you choose what to wear while you were away," Jooheon let out a sigh before also looking at the closet.

"I have cousins, you know."

"Yeah, right. But is their taste in fashion better than mine?"

"Not at all. You're the best." Changkyun nuzzled his face against Jooheon's neck.

Jooheon knew that Changkyun probably meant it only regarding choosing clothes but he wanted to put much more meaning to it.


	33. Chapter 33

Going out shopping with his mom and not arguing was something completely new for Changkyun. She didn't raise her voice at him once. Usually, she would embarrass him in stores and literally everywhere else they went. But also the fact that he was trying so hard to be a good son in her eyes finally paid off.

He secretly had a feeling that his dad had something to do with that. They had probably talked about this. Or at least he hoped something like that happened. He could never know.

He wasn't even sure what his parents talked about. It was mostly about work and Changkyun's education, he didn't have any recollection of them having a conversation about anything else. That and what they needed to buy to make dinner, of course. Neither of them had time to have breakfast or lunch at home, so the only time the whole family was at home, it was at dinner. Except when Mr. Lim was at work - then it was just Changkyun and his mom.

"Let me help you," Changkyun said as he took the two bags his mom was carrying, trying to show at least a bit of gratitude for the fact that she was being nice. He always helped her but this time he actually hoped that she appreciated why did he make such gesture at least a bit.

"Thank you," Mrs. Lim responded.

What bothered Changkyun every time his mom spoke was that her voice never gave away what she was feeling (except for when she was angry). He didn't find that normal. It was quite easy recognizing a person's feelings by their tone but with Mrs. Lim it was always her keeping a straight voice all the time.

Sometimes, Changkyun really wondered how did his parents meet. He was also wondering why did his mom turn into the person she was now. According to his sister's words, Mrs. Lim wasn't like that before. Or she was but it wasn't as bad as it currently was. Changkyun felt helpless. He wanted his family to be relatively normal. 

Other times, he would find himself wishing that Jooheon was in a good family, too. He knew that if his dad was a good person or even if he was gone from his life, he was going to have one less thing to worry about. Maybe his depression wasn't going to be as bad as it currently was. Because Changkyun didn't have to be told that Jooheon suffered, he could clearly see it.

Lately, Jooheon was getting worse again but he kept quiet. It was worrying Changkyun so much. Not because he felt like the whole story from the end of junior high was going to repeat itself. Not at all. Changkyun trusted both himself and Jooheon that they would never let that happen again. He was more worried about Jooheon himself because of his unhealthy coping mechanisms.

He wanted to help Jooheon stop smoking and drinking but he also felt like he had no right to do it because Jooheon had been trying to help him stop cutting, yet during the summer break Changkyun cut more than he ever did before. He didn't know why, though. Mostly did it just because. He learned his lesson that Jooheon checked for cuts only above his hips, so he started doing them more on his thighs. That way Jooheon was never going to find out.

But, after all, if he never checked there and had no way to know, then, Changkyun was probably going to feel less guilty while trying to make Jooheon get rid of his bad habits.

Meanwhile, he really had to take his own problems more seriously. And probably try stopping harming himself for real, not just promise he will. He was a bit tired of the routine he had anyways.

\--

Changkyun and Jooheon were sitting on the older's bed, playing Hearthstone against each other. They hadn't played that game in quite a long while and they didn't know what else to do.

"I can't believe you're cheating so much," Changkyun muttered. He was losing. He always lost to Jooheon and he felt really frustrated but it wasn't like he didn't admit that Jooheon was much better. He was just trying to think of reasons for him being better.

"I'm not cheating," Jooheon huffed. "I've played for longer and have better cards, that's all."

"That sucks..."

"You suck."

"You are the gay one here, though," Changkyun pointed out.

"You've got a point."

Suddenly, Changkyun's mother walked into the room without knocking or anything. Changkyun had forgotten to lock the door. The boys' faces went paler than the white wall behind them as they looked up at Mrs. Lim

"Changkyun, what is he doing here?" The woman asked with a stern voice, glaring at Jooheon.

"He's not bothering you with anything," Changkyun muttered.

"Have I ever let you invite anyone?" She continued asking as if Changkyun hadn't said anything.

"Dad lets me!" Changkyun got up, walking in front of her, hoping that he looked a little bit more intimidating thanks to his height.

"Apparently, your dad doesn't have an idea of what is good for you!" Mrs. Lim was going hysteric once again. Just when Changkyun was thinking how her behavior earlier was too good to be true. "Why can you never understand that there are some certain things you should be doing?"

"Why am I the only one who has to do that kind of shit? Others are living their lives, not having obsessed parents like you! Just leave me have friends!"

"Other parents don't care about their children!" Mrs. Lim's voice was only getting louder. "I care about your future and want you to succeed in life, not to waste it while hanging out with drug addicts! You are supposed to be preparing for school now!"

"He's not a drug addict!"

While the two kept on yelling at each other, Mr. Lim appeared at the door with a worried expression on his face. As soon as Jooheon noticed his presence, he looked up at him. Mr. Lim, who was looking back at him, made a small gesture for Jooheon to go to another room with him.

"What's going on?" Mr. Lim asked as soon as they managed to go to the living room, unnoticed by Changkyun and Mrs. Lim, who seemed like they weren't going to stop fighting in the near week or something.

"Nothing much, actually," Jooheon shrugged. "It's just that she didn't know I'm here and she started yelling at him about it." He let out a long sigh. "I should leave..."

"Yeah..." Mr. Lim nodded with his lips pressed into a thin line. He saw how disappointed Jooheon was but the situation didn't leave the boy another option.

\--

That day, Jooheon was planning on finally telling Changkyun. He had gathered enough courage to confess his feelings, this time for real. But he felt like he had to say it a tad bit earlier - before all of that with Changkyun and his mother happened. Or to just say it shortly after they saw each other.

Now Jooheon wasn't going to see nor hear from Changkyun until school started. There was only a week until then. No big deal, right? But now that everything got ruined before Jooheon could even make an attempt, he felt a bit discouraged. Maybe he just had bad luck.

Or maybe him and Changkyun were just not meant to be. There were many signs and facts that were telling him to erase the thought of him and Changkyun dating. He didn't want to give up and wasn't going to but he also didn't want to keep going like that and the fact that there was no one who could help him was making him feel weak.

Currently, the only one who he could talk to and share with was Kihyun. But Kihyun was on a short trip with his parents and Jooheon had to enjoy the time without him instead of searching for him.

He was left all alone with his thoughts.

Even if some of them were intrusive ones...


	34. Chapter 34

Jooheon was going to start visiting a therapist again. He was pretty sure that he was going insane already and he wanted to change that. He wanted to be better again.

Earlier, he was left with no cigarettes nor alcohol but didn't want to spend his money on that. He had to find some other way to calm down.

As he was searching for the antidepressants his therapist had given him before he stopped going, his gaze automatically shifted to the knives on the kitchen counter. For a second he wondered why would his mom keep them there, knowing what kind of a husband she had. The next moment, he was reaching out to grab one.

No, he told himself. That's wrong.

Yet he really found some kind of a relief when the blade got in contact with his skin. It was impulsive and it happened really fast. He quickly washed the blood away but then he got a bit curious for how much longer he could do that until he couldn't take the weird stinging pain anymore.

He didn't exactly want to make his arm look like Greek salad in the end, so, after a while, he washed the blood off from his fresh new cuts, then, washed the knife and left it where he found it.

The small cabinet with the first aid kit was still open above Jooheon's head. He only took bandages for his arm and went to his room.

It was expected from him to think "What if Changkyun finds out?" and "Will he be disappointed?" and so many similar questions. But he currently didn't even care. He just wanted to make himself feel better somehow.

Cutting helped. But it was only for a few seconds while the adrenalin rushed through his body. Then it was just pointless - just as he had always seen it.

Jooheon searched through his whole room, hoping he would find a forgotten cigarette or even weed. There was nothing.

Maybe he could just return to the kitchen, overdose on pills and hope for the best. That currently didn't seem like a bad option.

Nothing that could harm him seemed like a bad option in general. And he was just trying his best to keep himself sane.

\--

After a sleepless night, Jooheon went on an early morning stroll.

It was so early that there was no one around. The sun had barely started appearing above the horizon and the sky was gradually turning into a lighter blue. Jooheon remembered about the time he was watching the sunset with Changkyun on the balcony and it was as if he suddenly remembered about the older boy.

During the past few hours not a single thought about Changkyun had passed his mind. Which was kind of a progress, he guessed. The main thing that always occupied his mind for so long was now not there at times. Jooheon had no idea if it was for good. It most definitely wasn't but did he care? Currently not.

He had managed to steal a cigarette from his dad. It was a bit crumpled in his pocket but it wasn't that bad. He took out his lighter but he wasn't sure if he wanted to smoke. He did it anyways. It wasn't like it would do any harm.

All he wanted was some fresh air and to clear his mind but being surrounded by a little cloud of smoke felt warm. Most people disliked that, even if they smoked. But it made him feel better and calmer.

It was really funny how he was turning into the person he promised himself he would never be. And it seemed like there was nothing he could do without getting any help from a professional.

He knew that going to a therapist again wasn't going to help him that much but this time he was going to push himself to get better, not only do or listen to everything his therapist said. He had to realize that he was doing it for himself.

When a few hours passed, Jooheon's mom called to ask where he was. She sounded really worried because she found blood on the counter and, apparently, Jooheon wasn't careful enough with hiding the evidence of what he had done. Of course, she had no actual idea why was there blood, she probably just thought that Jooheon had cut his finger while trying to chop food. Usually, that was something really meaningless for Jooheon and it never hurt him but his mom was always worried as if he was still a little kid.

"I'm fine, mom," Jooheon said with a soft voice, trying to reassure her, after her rant about how worried she got. "I will be back in a few hours, okay?"

"Are you with Changkyun?" Mrs. Lee asked.

"No," Jooheon shook his head even though she couldn't see that. "I'm alone."

"Come back sooner."

"Okay."

Jooheon didn't want to go back home. He didn't want to be anywhere in general. Quite often, he would find himself thinking about how he wanted to end his life. But he was also really scared to do that because his mom was going to suffer. She was going to be left all alone.

\--

The moment he stepped inside the house, Jooheon heard women's laughter. One belonged to his mom but the other was really unfamiliar.

He was really surprised when he saw Kihyun's mom sitting in the kitchen and drinking coffee with Mrs. Lee. Kihyun hadn't told him that they were back in town. Kihyun hadn't contacted him in quite a while in general.

"Hi," he greeted awkwardly, bringing their attention to himself.

"Hi, Jooheon," Mrs. Yoo greeted, waving at him.

After getting a box of juice, Jooheon went back to his room. He was dialing Kihyun's number on his way. He tried contacting him a few times. Kihyun didn't answer. Jooheon was suddenly really worried because he never did that.

He had gotten kind of attached or just used to Kihyun. Which was normal because they spent so much time together.

It seemed like everything was against Jooheon lately. Because even Kihyun was ignoring him. He even texted the boy and Kihyun just left the message on read.

He could just go to the kitchen and ask Kihyun's mom what was wrong but maybe if there was something wrong with Kihyun he wouldn't tell his mom. He never did that. He shared only with Jooheon and Changkyun.

For quite a while, Changkyun felt like he disliked Kihyun because he was jealous that he spent so much time with Jooheon but, after all, they remained really good friends. Mostly because Changkyun was telling himself that Kihyun had nothing over him. Even though he knew Kihyun was much better.

Jooheon left it like that for now. He knew Kihyun was eventually going to search for him.

\--

Instead of Kihyun, Changkyun searched for Jooheon. Which meant that he had managed to take his phone back from his mom at least for a while. Too bad that Changkyun, once again, chose a really bad time to search for him. Their conversation was going really well in the beginning until Jooheon snapped.

"I miss you a lot," Changkyun said at some point with a quiet voice. He was probably hiding and hoping his mom didn't hear their conversation.

"Too bad," Jooheon said, sounding both angry and indifferent at the same time.

Changkyun immediately figured out that there was something wrong. "What happened?" He asked with a concerned voice.

"Nothing," Jooheon let out a small laugh. "I'm just really tired of your mother and hiding from her and all of that bullshit. If she wasn't like that, we would probably be somewhere outside right now, enjoying our time together--"

"Jooheon, it's not my fault that my family is like this," Changkyun defended himself.

"Forget about it, I don't care."

Changkyun knew that Jooheon didn't mean it. But it hurt.

"You know," Changkyun's voice went soft again, "I called to ask if you wanted to go out on a date with me because I have the chance to go out and my mom lets me. But I guess you're not in the mood. Bye."

Before Jooheon could say anything, Changkyun hung up. Jooheon kept his phone next to his ear for a while, staring down at the ground.

He wasn't sure if Changkyun actually said "date" but he immediately regretted getting angry at him. It really wasn't Changkyun's fault for anything. Jooheon had never felt more stupid.


	35. Chapter 35

_"I'm with Kihyun."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because it's the first time in my whole life that my mom lets me go out and I'm not going to waste this opportunity just because you decided to be moody."_

_"Sorry..."_

_"I will call you later."_

After saying that, Changkyun simply just hung up. Currently, he preferred spending his time with Kihyun than talking with Jooheon.

He was most definitely not angry at Jooheon. Which was bad because that meant he tolerated his outbursts more or less. But he wasn't going to deal with that now.

He left his phone aside and looked at Kihyun, who was sitting on the other side of the table. They had gone to a small coffee shop nearby school because Hoseok recommended it to Changkyun at some point before but the boy never got the chance to go until now.

Changkyun sighed. "It's really difficult dealing with him lately," he complained. He was playing with his straw while staring at it blankly.

"Do something about it, dunno," Kihyun rested his elbows on the table. "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say nor how to help you."

"Don't give me that bullshit, it's your fault that he's like this." The older raised his voice a little. Kihyun wasn't really in the mood for that but Changkyun had kept quiet for a really long time. "He was so much better before you appeared and ruined everything.  _You_  fix this."

"I don't know how..." Kihyun was looking around nervously, trying to think of something.

It wasn't fair. Kihyun was the one who triggered everything negative inside Jooheon. He was the one who "helped" Jooheon turn into the person he currently was. But now he was acting innocent and as if he didn't know just how much harm he had done. There was this possibility of him really not realizing all of that until Changkyun mentioned it, but Changkyun didn't want to go easy on him.

It was also Kihyun's fault that Changkyun had to be alone for so long. And the fact that he did it purposefully was giving him one more reason to not be able to forgive him.

"Just don't try acting like a victim. You perfectly know how unstable and impulsive he is yet you continue playing with him as if he's a fucking toy. How many more times should I hint that you should just stay away from him? You only make him suffer and I have to go after you and fix it every time. I've forgiven him for too many things, my patience has limits, too."

Changkyun had almost forgotten about his surroundings but as soon as he did, he chilled back. "I'm sorry," he muttered. He took a sip from his iced latte. "I have nothing against you hanging out with him, just stop hurting him..."

"You've fallen for him really hard haven't you?" Kihyun smiled.

"I'm just protective..." Kihyun was right, though.

\--

Jooheon rushed out of his house the moment Changkyun called him to tell him that he was in the nearby playground. He basically sprinted there and saw the shorter boy sitting on one of the swings, swinging on it lightly. His body and head were rested against one of the chains and he was staring at the ground. Just when he heard Jooheon's steps he looked up and the widest smile appeared on his face.

The younger sat on the swing next to Changkyun's. They were sitting for a while, just looking at each other. Jooheon noticed that a part of Changkyun's foundation on his jaw had been wiped away and a light purple bruise was appearing under it. It wasn't that obvious at first glance and if one didn't paid much attention to it

Jooheon reached out and brushed his thumb against it and Changkyun flinched a bit because it hurt but then he rested his cheek in Jooheon's palm, not breaking eye contact.

"What is this from?" Jooheon asked with a soft, quiet voice.

"My mom."

"She hit you?"

"A few times... Too many times, actually," he admitted.

"Because of me..." Changkyun nodded. "I'm sorry..."

"It's not your fault that I didn't remember to lock the door." Changkyun turned his head a bit so he could press a kiss against Jooheon's hand. He froze as he saw the bandages on Jooheon's forearm. "And what happened to  _you_?"

"I-It's nothing," Jooheon stuttered slightly. "Just a small accident."

"I want to see."

"No..."

"If it's just an accident, you wouldn't have a problem showing me."

Changkyun's hands slowly traveled to Jooheon's arm. While taking the bandages off, he hoped that Jooheon wasn't lying to him. But it really was what he thought it was. His face went pale as he kept staring at the cuts.

"Let me guess, you have no idea how those got there," Changkyun tried joking with it to show Jooheon that he wasn't angry at him. After all, Jooheon always did that and he succeeded.

Jooheon grabbed Changkyun's hand and let them swing between their bodies as he also leaned against the chain of his swing. "No, actually the story is slightly different. You won't even believe what happened!"

"Tell me then," Changkyun grinned.

"So I was just casually walking in the kitchen, minding my own business. All of a sudden I slipped, then, there was a knife that though I wanted to attack it and got up to fight me." Changkyun let out a small gasp as he was trying not to laugh. "I don't even know how I got out alive!"

Unfortunately, Changkyun couldn't hold in his giggles anymore and he covered his mouth with his free hand. "You're not the best story teller but I will believe you this time just because you're so cute and your dimples distract me."

"You're not angry for real, right?"

Changkyun hummed. "I mean I don't even have the right to be since I haven't really stopped cutting."

"Really?"

The older lifted his T-shirt a bit, once again revealing only the cuts above his hip. There was only one new, really small, cut there, though.

"I will need a magnifying glass to see that," Jooheon squinted. "Just say the cat did it."

"But there's one problem..." Changkyun looked around and leaned closer to Jooheon as if he was going to tell him a secret. "I don't have a cat," he whispered.

"No one needs to know that," Jooheon whispered back. "Nor the fact that you're so self destructive," he completed.

" _I_  am self destructive?" Changkyun gasped. "Look at yourself!"

"You've started before me!"

"But you're doing much more harm to yourself! At least I'm not drinking or smoking."

"Okay, you're right."

Changkyun looked around one more time to make sure that there was no one around. Then he leaned in even closer and kissed Jooheon.

"Do you want to come to the hairdresser with me tomorrow?" Changkyun asked after pulling away.

"Sure."

\--

"Do you know why is Kihyun ignoring me, by the way?" Jooheon asked as he was walking Changkyun home because it was nearing the time that Mrs. Lim told him to go back.

"Because he's got shitty parents and he didn't want to talk with anyone until I went to force him out of his house. Because of them they came back from their trip earlier than they should have."

"Yeah, I noticed. His mom was at home and talking with mine earlier today."

"They know each other?" Changkyun raised an eyebrow.

"Well, when my mom and I were staying over at your house, he came here and talked with her for a while. Then, he mentioned something about him having problems at home. Maybe he told her to talk to his mom when there's any problem, I don't know." While talking, Jooheon let go of Changkyun's hand because they were already nearing his house. "At least she's got a friend now and I'm feeling calmer that she isn't that lonely anymore. I mean, she has friends but they're in the town we lived in before."

"You lived somewhere else before?"

This was probably the time when Changkyun started realizing that he didn't know much about Jooheon's past.

The taller just hummed.

They were in front of Changkyun's house already. They stopped and Changkyun hugged Jooheon really tight before both of them said a muffled "bye" at the same time. Changkyun let go of him soon after and went home.

Just when Jooheon was about to turn around and head back home, Changkyun went out again and quickly walked to Jooheon, grabbing his hands in his own. "Remember how I wanted to ask you on a date?" He spoke so quickly, and with a voice full of excitement, that Jooheon almost didn't understand what he said.

"Y-yes..."

"We're going on a date after the hairdresser tomorrow and I'm not taking no as an answer."

"Okay..." Heat spread all the way up to Jooheon's cheeks.

"Okay, bye now!" Changkyun smiled brightly before going back home.

As Jooheon started walking down the street, he heard Changkyun's mom yelling his name.

\--

**Lee Jooheon (08:27 PM)**   
_what the heck happened_

**Lim Changkyun (08:28 PM)**   
_Did you hear my mom yelling or are you talking about me asking you on a date?:D_

**Lee Jooheon (08:28 PM)**   
_your mom_

**Lim Changkyun (08:28 PM)**   
_I kind of knocked off a drawer_

**Lee Jooheon (08:29 PM)**   
_how..._

**Lim Changkyun (08:29 PM)**   
_:P_

**Lee Jooheon (08:29 PM)**   
_delete this_

**Lim Changkyun (08:29 PM)**   
_:_ _PPPPP_


End file.
